Nothing much to add except
GO TATER!
It took me a lot longer to come get to where you are when my first marriage fell apart. There may still be some harsh moments but it just gets better from here.
tatertot - now I know how you’ll support yourself when you get back to the States!
Two words:
Lifetime Movie
Who should play you?
In all seriousness, I’m glad you are getting out of there, and you know you got a home in Chicago whenever you need one.
Much love,
maggie
Congratulations Tatertot!
May all of your dreams and goals come to pass!
(I make a somewhat similar declaration to myself everynight before I go to bed… I’ve been down that road, and I am so happy you managed to find a way out and friends to support you while you find your way)
Best Wishes
-pandora
Way to go Tater, great post. Coincidentally that post says a lot of things that I currently am going through…I will say the same thing to you that I am saying to myself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and good things are happening because you are a good person. There may be some rough patches, cause change is never easy, but it is worth it, you are worth it. To quote “Better Days” by Bruce Springsteen "I’m halfway to heaven and a mile out of hell, and I feel like I’m going home…these are better days…
Standing on the rooftop cheering with Tracy:
Keith
Tatertot
There isn’t a more difficult step than that. Don’t let the bastards get you down. It’s a good thing to realize that it’s not you.
Tracy - I too went through a rough divorce 10 years ago, so rough that I couldn’t see anything in my future. There was not any physical violence (unless you count the time I threw a big candle at the bed during an argument and it bounced up and accidentally cold-conked him) but the mental abuse and head games were brutal.
Because I was made to believe that I wasn’t good for anything except to be the perfect little wife and mother, I became obsessed with keeping the house, yard, kids, and myself up to a standard that could never be reached. I would stay up at all hours of the night scrubbing the bathtub or mopping floors, wake up early and begin yard work or planning activities for the kids. I developed an eating disorder.
The few things in my life became my obsession because I needed to feel like I was worth something, anything. I was made to believe that my image as a wife and mother were the only thing that made me worth anything, I started to feel like I was be judged by how my house, kids, yard, my body, looked. That was all I was.
Because I was so young, it was easy to make me eventually believe that I wasn’t smart enough to go back to school, let alone find a good job.
Finally, after years of marriage, something very similar to your OP awakened inside me. I didn’t ask, I TOLD my husband at the time that I was going back to school for a degree. I TOLD him that he would have to start taking responsibility for the house and kids. I TOLD him that I didn’t need his permission to breath anymore. He told me I didn’t have it in me and there were times that I believed him, but instead of caving in I became more determined.
Life at our house really sucked over the next few years but I still didn’t let him discourage me. I eventually graduated college and landed myself into a great career. The person I became was no longer the person who could be married to my husband and we divorced. Today, I have basically left him in the dust as far as confidence, career, self esteem, happiness, and life in general.
To make a long story longer, and for this I apologize, but I see the same strength in you that I found in myself 10 years ago. Don’t let anyone discourage you from moving forward and becoming stronger. I can not promise you that life will be easy from now on, it won’t be. Even after all this time, there are still days when I wonder if life would have been easier or happier had I stayed married or remarried. I still grow frustrated when it seems like there are so many dipshits to wade through to find someone you enjoy spending time with. I do feel sad during those dry spells when there isn’t someone there to share things with. I feel even more sad (and guilty) when someone who I have no feelings for is there. But you know what? I am strong and able to deal with these things and life has slowed down to a comfortable pace.
I guess what I am really trying to stumble out, is that you do have the strength so develop it and no matter how tough things are, never give up on yourself and push ahead. I can promise you that life won’t ever be easy but as long as you have a strong soul, you will always be there to hold yourself up no matter how bad things get.
You don’t have to sacrifice the things that are important to you now as you find the person you are. I am still a totally awesome mom, however, the house needs dusting and the yard needs to be mowed this weekend. Who knows whether or not I will break out the mower. :::shrug::: I would love to find that one person, who although not perfect, just feels so right. If I don’t find him this week, I’ll hang out with the kids or call a few girlfriends. Hell, maybe I’ll put on my jammies and just buy a pay-for-view.
Pat - I have known you since the old days back on AOL. You may not see it in yourself, but you are strong. Don’t misinterpret your gentleness and kindness as being weak. You are far from weak.
I send you both my love.
Tracy - I too went through a rough divorce 10 years ago, so rough that I couldn’t see anything in my future. There was not any physical violence (unless you count the time I threw a big candle at the bed during an argument and it bounced up and accidentally cold-conked him) but the mental abuse and head games were brutal.
Because I was made to believe that I wasn’t good for anything except to be the perfect little wife and mother, I became obsessed with keeping the house, yard, kids, and myself up to a standard that could never be reached. I would stay up at all hours of the night scrubbing the bathtub or mopping floors, wake up early and begin yard work or planning activities for the kids. I developed an eating disorder.
The few things in my life became my obsession because I needed to feel like I was worth something, anything. I was made to believe that my image as a wife and mother were the only thing that made me worth anything, I started to feel like I was be judged by how my house, kids, yard, my body, looked. That was all I was.
Because I was so young, it was easy to make me eventually believe that I wasn’t smart enough to go back to school, let alone find a good job.
Finally, after years of marriage, something very similar to your OP awakened inside me. I didn’t ask, I TOLD my husband at the time that I was going back to school for a degree. I TOLD him that he would have to start taking responsibility for the house and kids. I TOLD him that I didn’t need his permission to breath anymore. He told me I didn’t have it in me and there were times that I believed him, but instead of caving in I became more determined.
Life at our house really sucked over the next few years but I still didn’t let him discourage me. I eventually graduated college and landed myself into a great career. The person I became was no longer the person who could be married to my husband and we divorced. Today, I have basically left him in the dust as far as confidence, career, self esteem, happiness, and life in general.
To make a long story longer, and for this I apologize, but I see the same strength in you that I found in myself 10 years ago. Don’t let anyone discourage you from moving forward and becoming stronger. I can not promise you that life will be easy from now on, it won’t be. Even after all this time, there are still days when I wonder if life would have been easier or happier had I stayed married or remarried. I still grow frustrated when it seems like there are so many dipshits to wade through to find someone you enjoy spending time with. I do feel sad during those dry spells when there isn’t someone there to share things with. I feel even more sad (and guilty) when someone who I have no feelings for is there. But you know what? I am strong and able to deal with these things and life has slowed down to a comfortable pace.
I guess what I am really trying to stumble out, is that you do have the strength so develop it and no matter how tough things are, never give up on yourself and push ahead. I can promise you that life won’t ever be easy but as long as you have a strong soul, you will always be there to hold yourself up no matter how bad things get.
You don’t have to sacrifice the things that are important to you now as you find the person you are. I am still a totally awesome mom, however, the house needs dusting and the yard needs to be mowed this weekend. Who knows whether or not I will break out the mower. :::shrug::: I would love to find that one person, who although not perfect, just feels so right. If I don’t find him this week, I’ll hang out with the kids or call a few girlfriends. Hell, maybe I’ll put on my jammies and just buy a pay-for-view.
Pat - I have known you since the old days back on AOL. You may not see it in yourself, but you are strong. Don’t misinterpret your gentleness and kindness as being weak. You are far from weak.
I send you both my love.
tater,
Congratulations! I hear ya, sister.
And…
You will just not believe how sweet this feels. Like the smell of fresh cut roses, the taste of cold water on a hot day, the sight of a purple sunset. Glorious.
Zette
fantastic, tater. i’m so glad you are believing in you.
Ohhhh, tater, how wonderful!
Ten years ago, I was in Wisconsin, screaming the very words you typed at the man I was walking away from. Literally walking away–I left with nothing but the coat on my back, and my new-found self.
Goddess, it felt good. Run with it, tater. Don’t let this part of yourself get away from you ever again.
((((tater))))
Ohhhh, tater, how wonderful!
Ten years ago, I was in Wisconsin, screaming the very words you typed, at the man I was walking away from. Literally walking away–I left with nothing but the coat on my back, and my new-found self.
Goddess, it felt good. Run with it, tater. Don’t let this part of yourself get away from you ever again.
((((tater))))
When I got divorced, I told people that there is a fine line between a good relationship with the normal share of problems, and a bad relationship with some good times. One day I woke up and realized I was on the wrong side of that line.
Within a month, I found out how much my ex was bringing me down. He tryed that “It was your responsibility” shit. It didn’t wash.
To echo what others have said - he’s trying to place the blame on you to get you back under his control. But he fucked up He had something good and he destroyed it.
If you ever need reassurance that you are right, feel free to post what’s going on here and we’ll rip him a new one.
And don’t feel stupid for letting it go on so long. Like I said, all relationships have problems, even the good ones. And all people will do things you don’t like. Sometimes it takes a while to sort out the the stuff you should accept from the stuff you put your foot down and say - “This is unacceptable. Do not do that again”
Tator, Diane, Persephone, I have never been in that type of situation, and God willing, I never will be, but I hope if does happen, I have your strength and courage.
:: Stands behind tatertot on the rooftop, as she shouts out her Declaration of Independence.::
OK, OK, I was checking out her butt.
Give me a break.
I’m a guy.
Of course, I meant tater
In a few hours I’m going to be getting on a plane to go back to Tennessee to get my divorce. Frankly, I’m scared to fricken death, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Leaving TinyTot behind so that I can do this for myself…I think almost anyone can imagine how that must feel. The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is knowing that this is what will ultimately be best for not only me, but the other two most important people in my life.
I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to post during the next couple of months. There’s so much I need to do and so little time. If all goes well, I’ll be back home in a couple of months to start really living my new life.
Thank you all so much for your support, not just the people who posted to this thread, but to all the wonderful people on the SDMB and most importantly, to the many amazing friends I’ve made here. I hope you know what your kindness and support meant to me during those times when I simply couldn’t go to the people who were physically near me.
Goodness, it sounds like I’m writing my deathbed speech (sorry Bambino - I’ll not talk about morbid things again ;)). In a way though, I do feel like an old life is ending and a new life will begin once I walk out the door in another hour or two.
And if you might indulge me for another paragraph or two, it’s at moments like these when we realize how very special this board can be. Those of you who’ve been here a while will appreciate how very much we’ve been through together. I remember when Persephone was Cristi and she was still preggers and now that baby is old enough to run away and scare his mama half to death! We’ve shared so much with each other and in a way, I’m happy to have shared even this pain with you.
This has been the most terrible year I have ever experienced and now it’s coming to an end. Thank you, all of you, for all the kindness and laughter.
I wish all the best for all of us, even myself.
-Tracy
“I thank whatever Gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.” (Invictus)
Tatertot;
I thank whatever Gods may be
for YOUR unconquerable soul!
The spirit in me, bows before the spirit within you, as it springs forth, newly reborn, into the light. On behalf of all your friends at the Straight Dope, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for letting us bask in it's warm glow. This is a powerful and magical moment you have shared with us. You never fail to touch us.
May heavens finest blesssings shower down upon you.Bon Voyage to the Land of Donuts, Taters!
I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck.
:smiles:
Well done.
I’m only thinking good things for you.
Hope to be having a pint and eating dip with you at some stage.
Have a good trip and don’t let the bastards drag you down.
Tatertot
Whoo-hoo! Way to go! I know how hard that was for you. (7-year-bad-relationship-that-everyone-else-knew-was-wrong-and-I-wouldn’t-listen survivor here) It takes a special kind of courage and, 8 years or 8 minutes, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is you did it! The best of luck in your future. I know it will be great! The first step is always the hardest.