A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
181

A guy goes to see the doctor because of a sore elbow.

When he walks in, the receptionist gives in a bottle and ask him for a sample of urine.

“But I’m only here for a sore elbow” he protest.

The receptionist explains that the office has this new machine that can diagnose anything from a simple urine test.

So the guy complies and produce a urine sample which the nurse take into a back office.

When the guy is finally called into the doctor’s office, the doctor has a printed result and informs him that he is suffering from tennis elbow, so the doctor give him the appropriate treatment.

Some time later, he gets a called from the doctor’s office reminding him of his upcoming annual physical examination and to be sure to bring a urine sample because they now have that new technology that can diagnose anything from a simple test.

So our guy decide that he’s really gonna mess up their machine.

He collect a sample of his urine, jerks off and add some of the semen to it, in addition, he gets a urine sample from his wife, son and daughter and even adds a few drops of oil from his car engine.

On the day of the exam, he hands the sample over to the nurse, who again takes it to the back room.

After an unusually long wait he is called to see the doctor.

The doctor is studying the printout, finally he looks up and says,

“Well the verdict is, your car is overdue for an oil change, your wife is starting menopause, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will not go away.”.

182

Zero. But I’ve always liked that one.

183

7 points.

184

Q. Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

A. Because of all the sand which is there!

185

Zero points.

186

Some of my favorite Russian humor:

“Look at my new tie,” says a nouveau riche Russian plutocrat to his colleague. “I bought it for $500 in the store over there.”
“You got yourself conned,” says the other. “You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!”

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They find a lamp, rub it and free a genie, who promises to fulfill one wish for each for his own freedom:
The American says, “A million dollars and to go back home!”
The Frenchman says, “Three beautiful women and to go back home!”
The Russian says, “Tsk, and just when we were getting along so well. Hmmm. I wish for three crates of vodka and the two other fellas back!”

A man on a Moscow bus tells a joke: “Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?”
“No, why?”
“It’s specialization: one knows how to read, and the other knows how to write.”
A gloved hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! “Your papers!” the cop barks.
The hapless joke-teller surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: “Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya.”

187

A traveling salesman is driving through the middle of nowhere on a lonely road at dusk when his car breaks down. He walks to a farmhouse, the only sign of civilization he can see, and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

The salesman says, “Sir, my car broke down and there’s no way I’ll be be able to get help out here at this hour. I know it’s asking a lot, but may I please spend the night here?”

The farmer says, “Sure. But you’ll have to sleep with my 10-year-old son.”

The salesman says, “Oh, excuse me, I’m terribly sorry. I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

Dunno if you saw this cool story on the news a couple of weeks ago, but apparently archeologists excavating at Pompeii have unearthed the town’s prison.

They found 50 hardened criminals!

Q: What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

(One I’ve seen here on SDMB. Works better spoken, but I like it enough to try my luck with it.)

A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into a bar.

Priest says, “I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. A glass of sacramental red wine for me, please.”

Bartender says, “Comin’ right up.”

Rabbi says, “I believe the promised messiah has yet to walk the earth. Manischewitz, please.”

Bartender says, “You got it.”

Whale says, “EEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEE…”

188

There was a horrible 7.0 earthquake in Haiti yesterday. Thousands of homes were destroyed.

Damages are estimated at $48

189

Ooo, ouch.

190

So … an Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Mexican and an American are all on a plane together when one of the engine shuts off. The plane starts to descend. The pilot gets on the intercom and says “We have to lighten up the plane! Because this is a joke, one of you will have to jump out and there are no chutes!”

Bravely, the Englishman get up, yells “God save the Queen!” and jumps out.

The plane stays it’s course downward. The pilot says “It’s no good! I’ll need another one of you to go!”

The Frenchman gets up, puts his hand over his heart and yells “Viva la France!” and jumps out.

The place ascends just a little and the pilot says “We’re almost there … I just need one more of you to go!”

So the American stands up, salutes, says “Remember the Alamo!”

And throws out the Mexican.

191

6 points.

6 points.

7 points.

192

6 points.

7 points.

Zero points.

6 points.

193

7.0 points. But so wrong. :slight_smile:

194

Zero points.

195

A Russian boy asks his grandfather, “Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?”
“Yes, there was,” answered Grandpa, and patted the lad’s head.
“Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?”
“Yes, absolutely,” answered Grandpa, patting the boy’s second head.

At the time, a Soviet newspaper boasted, “Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation in four microseconds!”

A North Korean judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” “Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge. “I can’t - I just gave a guy ten years for it!”

196

9 points.

6 points.

5 points. Not sure I even get it. :confused:

197

Q. Why do black people wear baggy pants?

A. Because their knee grows.

:smiley:

198

Tough crowd.
Who killed more Indians than Custer?

Union Carbide
Okay, that was bad, but I do draw the line at Holocaust jokes. One of my uncles died at Auschwitz.

He fell out of a guard tower

199

It was a political joke - funny to anyone but the Dear Leader’s secret police.

It’s the early 1990s and the soon-to-fail Soviet coup. Three men sit in a jail in KGB headquarters at Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, “Because I criticized Gorbachev.” The first man responds, “But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Gorbachev!” They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, “I’m Mikhail Gorbachev.”

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams, “I can’t take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev! I’m going to the Kremlin right now and I’m going to kill him!” After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: “No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka.”

Stalin’s ghost appears to Vladimir Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.”

200

Best done with appropriate accents but worth a shot:

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “Even though they are naked, they still have a quiet dignity about them. I believe they are British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, unashamed, and très beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian says, “they have single fruit to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They must be Russian.”