A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
201

Adam is in the Garden of Eden, talking to God.

Adam says, “Lord, the paradise you have created for me is wonderful, but I am all alone here. Might you not create a companion for me to share my happiness?”

God says, “Yes Adam, that could be done, but it may have its costs. What would you like this companion to be like?”

“Well, Lord, I have been giving this a lot of thought. I should like a companion that would be gloriously beautiful to behold. It should have a warm, soft, curvaceous body, always be ready, eager and willing to serve all my needs, do all the cleaning and food preparation that needs to be done, never criticize me or tell me what to do, and never, ever complain. Could you create a being like that for me Lord?”

“Well, yes Adam, I could, but it is going to cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Oh . . . . . What can I get for a rib?”

202

A woman wakes up one morning with a terrible hangover, and finds an elephant is in bed with her.
She wakes it up and asks, “Who are you? What are you doing here?”
The elephant says, “Don’t you remember?”
“No.”
“We were both drinking in the bar round the corner last night. You came over and started flirting with me, and then invited me to come back to your place.”
“My God, I must have been really tight!”
“Yes . . . but not any more.”

203

Two young women are chatting by the water cooler in the office where they work.
One says, “Where are you going for your vacation?”
Her friend replies, “I’m going to Monaco - for the Grand Prix.”
“You’re going to be terribly disappointed. For a start, you don’t pronounce it like that.”

That rare joke that only works in written form.

204

The BBC has anounced that it will be producing a British version of the American TV series Fame, to be set in Britain, and adapted for the British audience. It will be called “Quite well respected in the profession.”

205

Why don’t gypsies need contraceptives?
They have crystal balls, and can see it coming.

206

8 points. Took me a minute, but, well, OK.

6 points.

6 points.

207

6 points.

8 points.

7 points.

8 points.

208

9 points.

6 points. Is ‘tight’ slang for drunk? If so, 7 points.

10 points to njtt !!!

6 points.

7 points.

209

I dunno…if you pronounced it ‘grand pricks’ it would still be funny.

210

Did we go there? Yes we did…
Q. Why don’t black people go on cruises?

A. They’re not falling for that one again.

I’m so sorry…

211

So Olie and Lena are out on their first date and they go to a fancy restaurant and Olie says “Would you like me to buy you a drink?” and Lena says “No, I couldn’t do that. What would I tell my Sunday School Class?”

So they sit and eat their meal and after Olie pulls out a pack of cigarettes and says “Would you like a smoke ?” and Lena says “No, I couldn’t do that. What would I tell my Sunday School Class?”

So they’re on their way home and suddenly Lena says “There’s a hotel off the highway here. Do you wanna stay there for the night instead of driving all the way home?”

And Olie says “Well, sure, but what will you tell your Sunday School class?”

And Lena says “I’ll tell them the same thing I tell them every Sunday. That you don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

212

Linguist joke :
Proper capitalization is the difference between : “I helped my brother Jack off his horse” and…

213

Stalinist Russia in 1947. Two policemen are standing on a streetcorner in Moscow fifteen minutes before midnight. A civilian runs by and one of the policemen shoots him.
“What’d you do that for?” the other cop protests. “He had another fifteen minutes to get home.”
The first cop shrugs. “I know where he lives. He never would’ve made it.”

The Soviet Union falls and the Romanov monarchy is restored. Gorbachev is exiled to Siberia. Months later he learns that his wife, back in Moscow, is very ill, and he grows desperate to see her. He is finally able to get the new Tsar on the phone, and begs the monarch to permit him to return to the capital to attend to his ailing wife. The Tsar puts his hand over the receiver and says to his closest advisor, “I don’t know, what do you think, Gromyko?”

214

My last Commie joke, promise:

A commissar is haranguing factory workers during the Russian Revolution. He says, “When we have communism, you will all have a five-day workweek! When we have communism, you will all have dachas of your own! And when we have communism, you will all have strawberries and cream for every supper!”

One worker tentatively raises his hand and says, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.”

The commissar glares at him and says, “When we have communism, you will all like strawberries and cream!”

215

A plane crashes into the deepest, darkest heart of the Amazon rain forest. The only survivors are - a FAAAABULOUS gay man, an ordinary straight man, and a die-hard, tea-baggin’, gun-luvin’, USA right-or-wrong red neck. The three are traipsing through the jungle until they are discovered by a lost tribe of hunter/gatherers and brought to their village.

In the village, they are greeted by the tribal chief, who they are surprised to learn, speaks English very well. “My people once dealt with westerners quite often,” the Chief explains “But their greedy, exploitative, destructive nature has taught us a harsh lesson. Now we want nothing to do with outsiders from the United States, and it is our policy to kill any whom we encounter!” The three crash survivors squirm uncomfortably for a moment, but the Chief raises his hand to calm them. “But, we can be merciful as well. We will allow you the option of either DEATH, or abandoning your former life, undergoing our sacred initiation rites, and becoming a member of our tribe.”

The three survivors look at each other. “So, what does the initiation rites involve?” asks one of them. “You must undergo the rite of OOMBA!” The Chief declares. “Annnnd…what is ‘OOMBA’?” the survivors ask.

The Chief points across the village grounds to a particular mud hut. Sitting outside it is the most massively built man any of the three have ever seen. He’s naked, and when he stands up, his entirely limp dick practically drags along the ground behind him. “Our tribal shaman there will sodomize you. That is the sacred rite of OOMBA!”

The FAAAABULOUS gay guy’s jaw drops. His eyes light up, and he springs to his feet. “Honey, I wanna enlist, and I ain’t NEVER going back!” he squeals.

“As you wish. OOMBA for you!” And tribal warriors lead him away to the hut to be inducted into the tribe.

The ordinary straight man considers his options. “That’s certainly not my thing, but…if I don’t they’ll kill me. Hmmm.” Finally he bucks it up and says “OK. I want to be part of your tribe.”

“As you wish. OOMBA for you!” And tribal warriors lead the man, a little reluctantly, to the hut to be inducted into the tribe.

Finally, the red neck is left. He is red in the face with anger and violently shakes his head. “Absolutely not you tree huggin’, mud dwellin’ SAVAGES! I guess this is just one more reason why you ‘immigrant’ types want to leave your country, cross over MY borders and invade MY country! NO! I could not live with myself knowin’ that a man ever VIOLATED me in such a way! I would rather DIE!”

The Chief bowed his head sadly. He hoped it wouldn’t have come to this. “As you wish,” he sighs “Death by OOMBA.”

216

I love this joke, but alas, it’s not my thread.

217

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will say hello to you if he sees you in the liquor store.

218

Stuck in traffic.

A guy is stuck in traffic on his way home one day. He finally get to move forward enough that he can see a cop up ahead, he gets out of his car, wave to the cop to come over.

“What the cause of all this traffic”, he asks.

So the cop respond, “Oh, the presidential motorcade has stopped ahead and is blocking the road.”.

“Why is it stopped” asks the motorist.

“It seems the president is in a depressed mood, what with all that is going on in the world today, he has gotten out of his limousine, is seated down on the tarmac and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.” says the cop.

“Wow, can I do something to help?” says the guy.

“Not really,” answers the police, “we’ve already collected about 5 gallons and more people are still siphoning some from their gas tank”

219

Do you know what woks are for?

Woks are for fwowing at wabbits.

220

Two spiral galaxies go into a pub. The bartender looks up and scowls: “Get out - you’re barred.”
Quasimodo goes into a pub. “Large whisky pleez!” he mumbles. The landlord reaches for a glass. “Bell’s all right?” “Don’t you bloody start!” growls Quasi.