How do you get Siamese twins off the couch.
Just jerk one off and the other will come.
A frog hops into a bank and onto the counter. “I’d like to borrow some money, please,” he croaks.
The teller stares and says, “Er, what’s your name?”
“Keith Richards, Jr.,” the frog says, and then he looks at her name plate. “And you must be Patricia Whack.”
“Yeah. Junior, huh? Is your dad–?”
“Yep–that Keith Richards. So can I borrow some money?”
“How much do you need?”
“A million dollars.”
“Do you have any collateral?” the teller asks.
“Sure!” The frog reaches into a pocket and pulls out a little plastic hula girl that bobs around on a spring.
The teller is totally flummoxed, so she goes to the bank manager. “Sir, I’ve got a frog here, says he’s Keith Richards Jr., wants to borrow a million dollars, and all he has for collateral is this thing, and I don’t even know what it is!”
The manager takes one look at it and answers, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack–give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
I don’t get this one.
Gromyko was known as “Mr. Nyet”
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. “Downsizing.”
He’s really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn’t seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, “Okay it’s going to be one of them.”
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He’s in a quandary. It’s Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
“Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don’t look so good. Is everything okay?” He looks at her and says “To be honest, I’m having a tough time here. I can’t decide if I should lay you or Jack off.”
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off.
Hmmm… I still don’t get it. I mean, I get that “nyet” means “no,” but I still don’t get the joke.
Personal favorite:
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
Andrei Gromyko was the quintessential Communist Party survivor, serving every Soviet leader from Stalin to Gorbachev. No matter who was in power, he always landed on his feet: Andrei Gromyko - Wikipedia.
Yes. Frankly, I don’t see why it should even be worth as much as 6 without that.
Don’t people say “tight” for drunk any more? Merriam-Webster gives it, and does not even mark it as slang.
I suppose it might still sort of work that way, but it seems to me that, in spoken form, one of two things is likely to go wrong: either it takes a moment or two figure out what the pun is, and joke falls flat, or else you immediately realize, before hearing the last line, that she has misread “Grand Prix” as “grand pricks,” and it just becomes too obvious to be funny. In the written form, you have a much better chance that the light will dawn at just the right moment.
I have a much better version of that one, but it is too long to fit into this margin. 
8 points.
7 points.
7 points.
7 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
6 points.
Zero points.
7 points.
(not nerdy enough to get this one)
6 points.
8 points.
Jesus. Really? Jesus. Ok…8 points.
Zero points.
8.5 points.
Yeah, I get what you’re saying. But I told it today and got a huge laugh. Even though they got the joke before the actual punchline, the phrase ‘you’re gonna be disappointed’ set them over the edge.
Two gay men are walking down the sidewalk. Across the street, walking toward them, is the most gorgeous woman they’ve ever seen, with a stunning figure and a low-cut dress. They stare as she walks past.
The first guy says, “Did you see that?”
The second guy replies, “Yeah! It’s almost enough to make me wish I were a lesbian!”
What do you call a woman who trades sexual favours for spaghetti dinners?
A pasta-tute.
A physicist, an engineer and a computer programmer are in a car. The car is headed downhill and the brakes have failed, when they finally come to a stop they get out of the car and start discussing what went wrong. The engineer wants to take the front tires off and examine the brake system for a failure, the physicist wants to do some testing and find the coefficient of friction between the pads and rotors to see if maybe that’s the problem…The computer programmer says “let’s just take it to the top of the hill and see if it does it again”
Many years ago, a young man walked into a theatrical agent’s office and said “I’ve got a song and dance act. I’ll show you”. He did some of it and the agent saw that the kid was good. Real good.
The agent said “You’re pretty good. What’s your name?”
“Penis Van Lesbian” he replied.
There was a stunned silence. Then the agent said “Well, that’s go to to change. I know, we’ll call you Dick Van Dyke”
Two rabbis are walkng along when they pass by a church. The sign out front states “Convert to Catholicism, we pay you $50.” One turns to the other and says “That can’t possibly be right. Their church can’t be so hard up for worshipers that they’d do something like that!”
“Well there’s only one way to find out,” the second one chuckles “Why don’t you go inside and ask?”
“All right then.” the first one says. He walks into the church while the other one enters the church.
Ten minutes go by. The second rabbi emerges from the church. “Well? Did they really pay you $50?” the first rabbi asks.
The second rabbi looks at his friend and sneers. “It’s always about the money with you people…”
6 points.
8 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Minus 1, for the repeat. (post #147):