Then you’re probably not nerdy enough to get this one:
This gets a 9 from me - 5 points for not having heard it before, 1 point for the humour, 3 points for the nerdiness :).
How do you get a witch pregnant?
You fuck her
My father was an avid golfer. He golfed every weekend and he was pretty good at it, too, but one day he hit the ball wrong and it sliced right off the grounds and hit a car right in the windshield. The driver freaked out when it hit and slammed on his brakes causing a 5 car pileup. My dad stood at the fence watching all the commotion when a police ran up to him with the ball.
“This your ball?” the policeman asked.
“Yes sir, it is.”
“And just what are you going to do about all this?” the officer demanded.
“Well I think if I just turn my wrist a little to the left…”
Alternate version:
One day a man with no arms comes to the cathedral and asks for a job ringing the bell. The bishop doesn’t see how he can do it and asks him. The man just says “Just watch me. Only one thing, though - I won’t tell you my name, and I ask you not to inquire.” He climbs into the belfry, takes the rope in his teeth, gives it a strong pull, and the bell starts to peal as strongly as it ever did. So the bishop gives him the job, and agrees not to ask his name.
For a while, everything is fine. The man with no arms does his job well, pulling the rope with his teeth. One day, though, the rope wraps around the man and flings him out of the belfry, he hurtles to the ground, and dies in the crash. The ambulance arrives to take the body away, and the driver asks the bishop who it is. All the bishop can say is “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell.”
Hang on, it’s not over yet …
The next day, another man with no arms comes to the cathedral and tells the bishop “The man who died yesterday was my brother. We have a tradition in our family that if one member falters, another will step in and take over. It is my duty to be your new bell-ringer. I’ll do it the same way my brother did, and just as well. But I won’t tell you my name, either, and I ask you not to inquire.” The bishop, being a kind person and needing a bell-ringer, takes him on.
For a while, the new guy works out just fine. But then one day, just as before, the rope wraps around him and throws him out of the belfry to the ground, killing him too. The same ambulance comes again, and the driver asks who this dead man is. The bishop can only reply “I don’t know his name either, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
A guy goes to Vegas, has a good time, but loses all his money. All he has left is the clothes he’s wearing and his return plane ticket. He leaves the casino, goes to the taxi queue, gets in the first taxi, and tells the driver “Hey, buddy, I got a problem. I’m out of money, but I have it back home in Chicago. If you’ll take me to the airport and give me your address, I’ll pay you double when I get back.” The driver just says “Are you shitting me? Get the hell out of my cab, you motherfucker.”
He realizes he isn’t going to get to the airport any other way but by walking, and just makes his plane. He gets home, works for a while, makes back the money he lost, and decides to go back to Vegas, where he gets lucky at the craps table.
On the day of his return, he comes out of the casino, flush with cash, goes to the taxi queue, and sees the guy who dissed him in the third cab back. Suddenly a plan pops into his head. He goes to the first cab and tells the driver “I’m out of cash, but if you’ll take me to the airport anyway I’ll give you a great blowjob.” The first driver yells back “No! Get the hell out of here, you pervert!” He goes to the second cab instead and makes the same offer, with the same response.
Next he goes to the third cab, whose driver fortunately doesn’t recognize him, gives him some cash, and asks to be taken to the airport. As the cab driver pulls past his two friends, the passenger simply smiles and waves to them …
A husband and wife were taking a shower together when the man slipped on the soap and accidentally kicked his wife in the crotch. It wasn’t a hard kick and he apologized for it profusely and they wound up laughing about the whole thing.
A few days later, the wife started to get an itch in her lady bits. She tried scratching, washing, and just about everything else but it got so bad that she had to go see her gynecologist about it.
“This is very interesting,” the doctor said after examining her. “This is the first case of athlete’s vagina I’ve ever seen.”
The wife started to laugh. “Athlete’s vagina actually sounds kind of funny. I thought it was something worse.”
“You are lucky,” the doctor replied. “You should hear about the guy in the next office who came in with herpes all over his foot.”
Guy goes into a store and tells the clerk “Gimme a pounda tomatoes, half-a-pound provolone, loafa Scali bread.”
The clerk says “Hey, you must be Italian!”
Guy says "Atsa right, how you know?
Clerk says “Because this is a hardware store!”
In the glory days of the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev was touring one of his country’s nuclear silos when he noticed a flaw in one of the missiles he pointed up to it and said “There’s a hole in the rocket, dear Raisa, dear Raisa.”
That joke was gangbusters when I did a Weekend Update act in my high school talent show back in 89.
Cold War Polish joke: Why is America like Poland? In America you can buy anything with dollars and nothing with zlotys, and in Poland you can buy anything with dollars and nothing with zlotys.
A guy goes to prison and his first night in, right around lights out he hears someone down the cell block shout out, “127!” and everybody starts laughing like hell.
A few minutes later someone else yells out, “29!” and everybody cracks up.
And a few minutes after that, “72!” – raucous laughter.
Finally the guy asks his new cellmate what it’s all about. He tells him, “Oh it’s just a round of jokes before lights out. The trouble is, we don’t get many new jokes in here so we’ve heard them all before. We just went ahead and numbered them, so we don’t have to tell the whole thing.”
“Oh, ok. I think I understand. Can I tell one?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
The guy thinks for a minute and then yells out, “53!” Nothing. No laughter. Not a peep.
He looks at his cellmate and asks, “What’s up?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you tell it.”
You people like nerdy, huh?
"What’s nu?
C over lambda."
Oy gevalt!:smack:
…so the new guy takes a deep breath and yells “248!!” and it brings the house down. Everyone’s roaring with laughter, hammering on the bars, banging their tin mugs on the floor, yelling “More! More!” and it takes a good ten minutes before the noise dies down. Even then there’s sporadic chuckling and it seems like they’re going to kick off again any second. When he dares, he says “Why’d they all laugh like that?” “Oh,” says his cellmate, wiping his eyes, “we’ve never heard that one before!”
**Malacandra **gets any points awarded. His is funnier, and my phrasing sucked (maybe it *is *the way you tell it).
The way I heard it, it was at a retirement home for old comedians. After the joke flops, someone mutters, “Some guys just don’t know how to tell a joke!”
Four guys go golfing. As one goes off to pay for everything the other three are standing there, shooting the breeze, when they start talking about their sons and what they do.
“My son is a successful house builder. He even gave a friend a free house.” Says the first guy.
“Well, my son owns a successful car dealership. He gave a friend a free car.” Says the second.
Not wanting to be outdone, the third guy brags about his son. “My son is a successful stock broker. He gave a friend a free stock portfolio.”
After a few minutes the fourth guy comes back. “Hey, we’re all talking about our sons. What does your son do?”
“Well, my son is gay and dances at a gay bar. I wish he’d do something else, but at least he meets a lot of people. Like, his last three boyfriends gave him a free house, free car, and a free stock portfolio.”
A man walks into a bar, slaps his hand down and says, “I’ve got terrible news. Gimme ten shots. Line 'em up, right here.”
The bartender pours ten shots, and the guy pounds them down, one after another. “So what’s the bad news?” the bartender asks as the man slams the last glass down.
“I’m flat broke,” says the man.
An elderly couple has always had a vigorous sex life. Then the man gets the news from his doctor: he has a serious heart condition and can never have sex again. The man and his wife talk it over and agree to sleep in separate bedrooms to avoid temptation: she will remain upstairs in their longtime bedroom, while he’ll sleep on a cot set up in the living room.
The first night away from his wife in decades, the man tosses and turns. The second night is no better. Finally, on the third night, he throws aside his blankets and creeps up the stairs. He’s surprised to bump into his wife halfway up.
“Honey,” he whispers, “I have to admit, I just can’t stay away from you. I was coming upstairs to commit suicide.”
She smiles. “That’s good, sweetie, because I was just coming downstairs to kill you.”
A sheltered, callow young Catholic priest is puzzled in the confessional when a man admits his many sins, including “Getting a blowjob downtown for $20.” The priest goes to his abbot and asks, “Father, what’s a blowjob?”
The abbot looks at him eagerly. “$20, same as downtown!”
The scene: an Army base. The captain calls the tough-as-nails sergeant into his office. “Sgt. Jones, I believe Pvt. Hoskins is in your squad. I just got the word that his mother died last night. He doesn’t know it yet, so I want you to break the news to him. But do it with a little sensitivity, OK?”
The sergeant snaps off a sharp salute. “Leave it to me, sir.”
He goes to the barracks and bawls at the men to fall in. When they’re all lined up he says, “All right, maggots. Everybody whose mother is still alive take one step forward… not so fast there, Hoskins…!”
Stolen from BrainGlutton in another thread awhile back:
A guy dies and wakes up in Hell. He sees the Devil standing over him with a big grin. The guy says, “I wonder if there might be some mistake. I wasn’t so bad . . .”
The Devil puts his arm around him, shoves a cold beer in his hand, and says, “Aw, don’t you worry, son! We get a bad rap upstairs, but take from me, Hell is a party! F’rinstance . . . Do you drink?”
“Well, I’ve been known to bend my elbow occasionally . . .”
“All right, today’s Sunday! On Sundays we drink! Everything, man! Beer, whisky, vodka, tequila, fine wine, brandy . . . You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Sunday! Let’s see . . . Do you like to do drugs?”
“Well, I might have snorted a line here and there . . .”
“OK, tomorrow’s Monday! On Monday everybody in Hell does drugs! Everything, man! Pot, coke, smack, LSD, esctacy, ‘shrooms, meth . . . We’ve got Timothy Leary workin’ on new recipes! If Jerry Garcia likes it, we all do it! You’re gonna love it! You’re just gonna love Monday! Let’s see . . . Are ya gay?”
“Oh, no! I never swung that way!”
The Devil winces a little. “Oooo… you’re not gonna like Tuesdays.”
A young man goes to confession.
“Father, I had unlawful carnal knowledge with two 19 year old sorority sisters. Three times in one afternoon.”
“Oh my my. That is not good. Where did this sin take place?”
“In the back of Temple after my cousin’s bar mitzvah.”
“Are … are you Jewish?”
“Yes, Father.”
“Then why are you here telling me this?”
“Are you kidding? I’m telling everyone!”
A soldier wakes up in an army hospital…
Soldier “Nurse, I can’t feel my legs”
Nurse “I know, we had to amputate your arms”
Q: What’s good for a hangover?
A: Drinking heavily the previous night.