9 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
7 points.
7 points. If I’m understanding it correctly.
7 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Once again, short on nerd-dom.
Zero points.
8 points.
8 points.
9 points.
Zero points.
Zero points. But a perfect joke.
**Note: I’ve decided that it makes more sense to quote the punchline, rather than the first line of the joke. **
If anyone cares.
Zero points.
Zero points.
10 points for Joey P !!!
6 points.
A man with a tape worm goes to the doctor for it and the doctor says that he’ll get rid of it in 3 treatments, so the man agrees and the doctor shoves a banana and a cookie up the man’s butt and tells him to come back tomorrow.
The man comes in tomorrow and the doctor does the same thing: shoves a banana and cookie up the man’s butt and tell him to come back the next day.
The guy doesn’t think it’s working, but he comes back the third day. At the office, the doctor shoves a banana up the man’s butt.
The worm pops out and says “Hey’s where’s my cookie?”
“Gotcha!”
Bad Bart rides into town, firing his pistols in every direction as townfolk run for cover and the marshal hides under his desk. Bart rides straight to Miss Lulabelle’s Bordello, kicks down the door and slams a handful of gold coins onto the counter as other waiting gentlemen scatter. He bellows, “I want the biggest, toughest, ugliest whore you got, and I want her for the night! And I want a beer, dammit!”
Miss Lulabelle throws a bottle of beer at him and says, “Room 6, and take your boots off.”
“Like hell I will,” Bad Bart sneers, catching the bottle. He strides down the hall and kicks down the door to Room 6. The biggest, toughest, ugliest whore he’s ever seen is sitting on the bed. As soon as she sees him, she gets on her hands and knees with her ass pointing straight at him.
“Now just a cotton-pickin’ minute,” Bad Bart roars. “How the hell you know I wanna fuck you that way?”
“I don’t, moron,” she snarls at him over her shoulder. “I just thought you might want to open your beer!”
A squad of infantry is on a mission behind enemy lines in the jungle for a week, then two. The sergeant tells them, “Cheer up, boys… on Tuesday you’ll each get a change of underwear!” This actually improves morale quite a bit, as the men are all sweaty and filthy. Even the smallest creature comfort is something to look forward to.
Tuesday comes, and the sergeant says, “Well, we didn’t get the airdrop I was expecting. But I’m true to my word. Robbins, you change with Smith. Smith, you change with Goldstein. Goldstein, you change with Nunez…”
A debate is droning on and on in the Italian parliament. One delegate says to another, “I’m going to take a little nap.” The other delegate nods. A few hours later the first guy awakes with a start. “Did I miss anything?” he asks his seatmate.
“Not really,” the man shrugs. “But you were prime minister twice.”
Grover Cleveland always got along well with fellow Democrats in the House of Representatives, but feuded with the Senate. The story goes that his wife once woke him in the middle of the night, whispering, “Grover, I think there’s a burglar in the house!”
Cleveland mumbled before rolling back over, “Hmmm. In the Senate, perhaps, my dear, but surely not in the House.”
The circus comes to town. One of the sideshow attractions is a midget psychic. Unfortunately, he loses his temper and kills a man who makes fun of his height. The police arrest him, but he busts out. Headlines the next day scream, “Small medium at large!”
What’s worse than getting two papercuts on your tongue? The Holocaust.
A woman is at the checkout at the grocery store. The cashier is a kindly old man. He scans her single-serving frozen dinner. He scans her single-serving coffee creamers. He scans her single pieces of fruit, her single container of soup, her single can of soda, and her single roll of bread.
As he’s bagging her items, he smiles at her, “If I had to guess, young lady, I’d say you must be single.”
She returns the smile and replies gamely, “Oh? What gives you that idea?”
He leans forward and says, "Because you are very ugly.
A blond walks into a hardware store. “I’d like a door hinge please.” she asks the clerk.
The clerk hands her a door hinge. “Would you like a screw for that hinge?” he asks.
“No,” she replies, “But I’ll blow you for a toaster.”
Jimmie Bob and Billie Joe had a prize bull they liked to take to county fairs. But on the morning of a competition, the bull was cross-eyed. They tried everything, couldn’t get the eyes uncrossed.
Jimmie Bob looked in the Yellow Pages and found a Bull’s Eyes Uncrosser. He came to their farm, shoved a long plastic tube in the bull’s ass and blew as hard as he could. It took a while but, sure enough, bull’s eyes came uncrossed. “$200” was the price. This seemed a little stiff but they paid it, took the bull to the fair, won a blue ribbon.
A few weeks later on the morning of another competition, the bull’s eyes were crossed again. “We can save ourselves $200” says Billie Joe; “Go out in the shed and fetch that rubber tube.”
Billie Joe stuck the tube deep into the bull’s ass and blew. He blew and blew until he was blue in the face. “You try it for a while, Jimmie Bob”, he said.
Jimmie Bob took the tube out of the bull’s ass and stuck the other end in, and blew on the end that had been in the bull. “What in tarnation did you reverse the tube for?”, asked Billie Joe.
“Are you kidding me?” said Jimmie Bob. “You had your mouth all over that other end, you expect me to put it in my mouth?”
[I read this some years ago as a short story but perhaps it makes a good but longish joke.]
A man (Fred) went to a psychiatrist complaining he never got a good night’s sleep. Every night he dreamt someone came to his house with a package that had to be delivered; Fred then had to drive to Cincinatti and back. The dream wasn’t scary or anything – in fact it was quite boring – but every morning when Fred woke up he was dead tired: he felt like he’d been driving all night.
The Doctor thought for a moment and gave the guy his home phone number. “Call me next time you get the package. Pick me up and we’ll go to Cincinatti together. I’ll sleep on the way, but take over the driving for the return trip, and you can get a few hours rest in the back seat.”
“I couldn’t impose on you like that!” Fred said.
“It’s no problem,” replied the psychiatrist. “It’s just a dream. You’ll just be telephoning me inside your dream.”
Fred took the advice and his health improved. He still had to drive to Cincinatti every night, but at least he got to sleep on the ride back.
A few weeks later at work, he noticed his friend Sam was looking very tired. They got talking and it turned out Sam was having a similar problem: he was awake all night in his own dream. His dream was much different, though. Three voluptuous women came to visit every night: a beautiful brunette, a ravishing redhead, and a buxom blonde.
“It should be wonderful!” said Sam. “Best sex I’ve ever had, even if it’s just a dream. I wish it were just one girl, but instead all three insist I service them every night! I’m feeling really good when morning comes but I’m so exhausted!”
Fred thinks for a moment and comes up with a solution. “You’ve got two extra bedrooms. Next time they come, give me a call. I’ll call this doctor I know; we’ll both come over. I’ll take care of the redhead, you can do the blonde, doctor the brunette. We’ll be done in a couple of hours and you’ll get a good night’s sleep!”
“But but, you’ll be disappointed if you come! They’re not real girls; they’re just in my dream!” said Sam.
“Yeah, and it won’t really be us coming over anyway. You’re just calling us in your dream!”
Sam agreed to try this. But as the weeks went by he still seemed very exhausted all the time.
“What, aren’t you inviting me and the doctor over like we agreed?” asked Fred.
Sam got a funny look on his face. “I do keep calling you, but you don’t come, you’ve got the weirdest answer. You say you and the Doctor have to drive to Cincinatti!”
Back in the 80’s, President Reagan was talking to Mr. T and as the conversation moved towards pleasing the ladies, Reagan admitted that sometimes he has a difficult time getting it up for Nancy.
“Just do what I do,” Mr. T advised. “Go into the bathroom and bang it against the sink a couple times.”
Later, Reagan makes his was to the bedroom and he sees Nancy asleep in bed. He decides to give it a try and goes into the bathroom to smack his member against the sink.
From the bedroom, he could hear his wife stir and groggily ask “T, is that you?”
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office completely naked and wrapped in Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
From the 60s:
Nixon, Kissinger, a hippie and a priest are on a plane. It develops severe engine trouble and the cowardly pilot bails out. The four men find there are only three parachutes left.
Nixon says “I am the president of the United States! I must survive!” and he bails out of the plane.
Kissinger says “I am the smartest man in the world! I must survive!” and he bails out of the plane.
The priest turns to the hippie and says “Son, you are young with your whole life ahead of you. I am old and prepared to meet my creator. Please, take the chute and save yourself.”
The hippie says “Don’t worry father. The smartest man in the world just bailed out with my backpack.”
One good Reagan joke deserves another:
The President and Mrs. Reagan go to a fancy restaurant. The First Lady tells the waiter, “I’ll have the chicken soup to start, then the filet mignon, and a glass of mineral water. Make sure the water’s extremely cold, please. And the cherries jubilee for dessert, I think.”
“Very good, madame. And for your vegetable?”
“Oh, he’ll have the same.”
And for bipartisanship’s sake:
Bill Clinton gets off Air Force One after visiting the Arkansas State Fair. He has a potbellied pig under each arm. “Do you like them?” he asks the Air Force officer saluting at the bottom of the stairs. “I got one for Hillary, and one for Chelsea.”
The officer says, “Good trade, sir!”
This one gets a 10 (and a spit-take) from me! 
8 points.
Zero points. But a good’n!
7 points. Saw it coming.
6 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
6 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
7 points.
A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?”. The bartender says “No, sorry, no grapes”, and the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?”. The bartender says “No, sorry, no grapes”, and the duck leaves.
The duck comes back a third day and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?”. The bartender says “Look, I keep telling you, we don’t have any grapes here. Now get the hell out of here, and if you come back and ask for grapes just once more, I’m gonna nail your fucking feet to the bar”. So the duck leaves again.
The duck comes back the fourth day, but this time he asks the bartender “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No, we don’t have nails”, so the duck says “Good. Got any grapes?”
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women
try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times."Three doctors are out golfing, and get into a discussion about whose job is easier. One says “I have the easiest job here. I only operate on mechanical engineers. Open them up and you see all the parts are numbered, and you just hook them up accordingly”
The second doctor says “No, I have you beat. I only operate on electrical engineers. Open them up and you see everything color coded. Just match the colors and you’re done”.
But the third doctor says “You guys are working too hard. I only operate on lawyers. They only have 2 body parts, a mouth and an asshole, and they’re interchangeable.”
A West Point cadet wants to be an engineer, but can’t figure out which discipline to pick. Until an upperclassman explains “Mechanical engineers make weapons. Civil engineers make targets.”