A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
281

Father Murphy is waiting in the confessional box and hears the door open to the other side. He smells a strong odor of alcohol waft through the screen, and hears someone fumbling around on the other side. The man says nothing, however, so the priest impatiently raps on the screen.

The other man says blearily, “Ye can knock all ye want, ye bastard, but there’s no toilet paper in this stall, either!”

A Dubliner goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He’s surprised to see there’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, cookies and other snacks. An autographed picture of the Pope in a beautiful gold frame is hanging on the wall. The chair is made of elegant, well-carved oak with a plush velour seat.

Then he hears the priest come in. The man kneels and says, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies crossly, “Get out, lad. You’re on my side.”

A customer in a restaurant looks at his lobster and sees that it’s missing a claw. “What happened to it?” he asks the waiter. “It was injured in a fight with another lobster,” says the waiter. “Take it back and bring me the winner!” demands the customer.

Another customer asks for a small empty plate. When the waiter brings it, the customer puts a dollar in it. “What’s that for?” the waiter asks. The customer says, “Your tip… so far.”

282

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a fifth of his best scotch whiskey. The clerk is a bit thrown.

“Sister, I’m a good Catholic and a former altar-boy,” he protests, “I know the brides of Christ ain’t supposed to be partakin’ of the spirits.”

“Oh it’s all right. It’s for medicinal purposes.” the nun replies.

This sounded slightly dubious to the man, but he was not one to question a nun’s judgment. So he hands her a bottle. The nun pays for it and leaves.

Hours later, after closing up the shop, the clerk is walking home when he sees the nun again. She’s bombed! She’s swinging around a lamp-post with her shoes kicked off, warbling off-color limericks at the top of her lungs, with the now-empty bottle in her hand. The man becomes beet-red. He marches right up to her. “Sister!” the man yells, “You told me that that whiskey was going to be used for medicinal purposes!”

The nun looks at him blearily and spits out “But it IS for medicinal purposes! Mother Superior is constipated and when she sees me, she’s gonna shit a brick!”

283

Two versions of the same joke. The set up is the same for both versions.

The set up is that someone needs to hire a new accountant, and has narrowed the pool down to three candidates, all equally qualified on paper.

“Look, you’re all pretty good, and I can’t decide between you from your resumes. Let’s do some quick oral questions and we’ll see if that breaks the stalemate.”

The candidates all think this is a bit unusual, but in this job market they’ll go along with it.

“OKay. First question: What’s two plus two?”

The first candidate thinks a moment and answers confidently, “Green!”

“What the Hell? Get out of here! You, next guy - what’s your answer for what’s two plus two?”

The second candidate smirks and answers, “Tuesday, of course.”

“Are you out of your mind? Get the Hell out of here. Okay, you, if you can answer this simple question right you’ve got the job: What’s two plus two?”
Version One: The candidate is sweating and after a bit comes up with a hesitant answer, “Four?”

“Yes. Now let’s get your paperwork done. By the way, can you explain how you got the right answer when the other two candidates couldn’t?”

“Well, Green divided by Tuesday is four.”
Version Two: “What do you want it to be?”

284

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful…

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy, undaunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation, I’ll have some!” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow”

The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor … sometimes the bull wins.”

285

Zero points. But an old favorite.

7 points.

Zero points.

Six points.

286

9 points.

7 points.

6 points.

6 points.

287

8 points.

7 points.

5 points.

10 points for J-P L !!!

288

Leader Board
The following posters have 10-point submissions:
Johnny Q (x2)

Tattman

amrussell

Elendil’s Heir

njtt

Joey P

J-P L

289

Little Johnny was having trouble pronouncing the letter R in words so the teacher decided to give him a sentence to work on it.

“Johnny,” said the teacher. “I want you to go home tonight and say this sentence 20 times, then be prepared to say to me tomorrow. The sentence is ‘Richard gave Robert a rap on the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.’”

“OK,” said little Johnny.

The next day the teacher asked Johnny if he practiced the sentence like she asked.

“Yes I did,” he beamed proudly.

“Great,” she smiled. “Let me hear you say it.”

“Dick poked bob in the belly for not cooking the bunny enough!”

290

I think I’ve posted the most zero-pointers. I should get some sort of consolation prize. A toaster? A Different Sort of Joke Thread home edition? A years supply of Rice-a-roni? Throw me a bone here.

291

8 points.

It’s a BRANNNNNNNNND NEWWWWWWW CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

292

Hey, 10 points, alright, just in time too, my repertoire is running out!!

293

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an athiest?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway.

294

A young, impoverished teacher, desperate for work during the Great Depression, was interviewed for a job by a rural Texas school board. The interview went well until one board member drawled, “We have some people around here who believe that the Earth is flat, and some who believe it’s round. What do you think?”

The teacher eagerly said, “I can teach it either way!”

Why did the squirrel cross the road?
It was nailed to the chicken.

Why is marble always sad?
People take it for granite.

Ever heard of seagull management?
Yeah, the boss flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything, and leaves.

Corporate HQ sends a hard-charging new executive to take charge of a troubled division. Soon he’s got everyone hating him. He asks his long-suffering secretary, “Why does everyone take such an instant dislike to me?”

She replies, “Because it saves time.”

295

A turtle is walking along, with a snail on its back. The snail says to the turtle, “whoa!”

296

A couple has been married for 35 years and the fire has gone out of the relationship. She finally convinces hubby that they need counseling. They find a counselor and during the first session, the husband sits there quietly while the wife unburdens herself about how the romance is gone, there’s no affection, etc.

After a little while, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, grabs the wife and proceeds to lay a massive liplock on her. After a few seconds, he begins to grope her as well. A while later, they come up for air, he sits back down, she sits down and begins fanning herself. The counselor says to the husband, “Sir, this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you commit to this?”

The husband thinks for a second, then says, “Well, I can get her here on Monday and Wednesday, but I play golf on Fridays.”

297

What is black and blue and hates sex?

The 14 year old in the back of my van.

:smack:

298

Oh, we are doing lawyer jokes now?

Two alligators are talking. The first alligator says, “I don’t get it – we were born at the same time, we live in the same swamp, and we eat the same things. Why are you so much bigger than I am?”

The second alligator says, “Well, what do you eat?”

The first alligator says, “I eat lawyers, same as you!”

“Well, where do you get the lawyers?”

“I get them from the law office across the street from the swamp, same as you!”

“Well, how do you eat them?”

“I hide under a BMW, and when legs approach, I leap out, grab the lawyer in my powerful jaws, shake the shit out of him, and them eat him.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, there’s your problem! Once you shake the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase.”

299

You know what the problem is with lawyer jokes ? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and the rest of us don’t think they’re jokes.

300

On very rare occasions, if a horse is tied outside in one place for a long time, birds will actually try to build their nest in its mane. You can chase the birds away and remove the half-built test, but they’ll just come back and start again. Absolutely nothing will defeat their persistence–that is, except for just one thing: yeast. Any kind of yeast. Just sprinkle a bit in the mane, and the birds will never return. Which just goes to prove the old saying: “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”

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Stalin has a meeting with a delegation from a satellite country. The meeting ends, and the delegation leaves, heading off down the Kremlin’s corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can’t find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. “Go after the delegation, and find out which one of them took my pipe,” he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria–“Look, I’ve found my pipe.” “It’s too late,” Beria says, “half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning.”

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I’ve posted this one before.

Chris went into the local restaurant every day at precisely twelve and invariably ordered the same thing, a large bowl of the soup of the day. This had gone on for so many years that Chris and the waitstaff knew each other by their first names, and every noon, as Chris sat down–always at the same table–one of the waitstaff would deftly serve a large bowl of piping hot soup to Chris, who immediately would begin to eat it.

Today was no different. Chris entered, sat down, and Pat served the soup and walked away. A minute or two later, Pat saw that Chris was just sitting, staring at the soup.

Pat went over to Chris and said, “What’s the matter, Chris? Is there something wrong with the soup?”

Chris grumbled, “Taste it.”

Pat said, “I don’t have to taste it. Just tell me. Is it too hot? I’ll fan it. Too cold? I’ll get you some fresh. Does it need salt? Pepper? I’ll fix it.”

Chris said, a little louder, “Taste it, I tell you!”

Pat said, “All right. All right. Don’t get mad. I’ll taste it. Hmm–now where’s the spoon?”

And Chris shouted, “A-HAAAA!”