8 points.
8 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
7 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
6 points.
7 points.
6 points.
8 points.
8 points. I had no idea there were so many Russian jokes.
6 points.
One of my all time favorites.
(From the OP – somebody rate it!)
A couple is dining in an upscale restaurant when the wife drops her soup spoon. The waiter is summoned over and immediately produces a replacement spoon from a pouch tied around his waist.
“That’s impressive,” says the wife, “how did you come up with the idea to carry spoons around?”
The waiter replies, “We had an efficiency expert come in here recently who gave us tips on how to run the restaurant. He had a lot of great ideas. He told us that the spoon is by far the most-dropped utensil, so we all carry spoons with us.”
Just then, the husband notices a string coming from the waiter’s fly. “What is that string for?”
“Another expert tip,” says the waiter. “The other end of the string is tied to my penis. When I have to use the bathroom, I unzip and pull my penis out with the string. I don’t have to touch it, so I don’t have to waste time washing my hands.”
The wife pauses between sips of her soup. “But how do you stuff your penis back into your pants?”
“I don’t know about the other guys,” says the waiter, “but I use the spoons.”
I give it a 7.
A rat and a cockroach walk into a bar and the health department closes it.
I was actually disappointed when I read my score; now I know how some of you might feel when I hand out 6’s and 7’s.
Did you hear the the Pope broke his arm?
He was having dinner with a couple cardinals and he fell out of the tree.
0 points.
A baby seal walks into a club
Hopefully these haven’t been told yet; I think I’ve read the whole thread in fits and starts, but I may have missed something. They’re my two favorite religious jokes.
The first one is best acted out, but I’ll tell it anyway.
Why did they crucify Jesus instead of stoning him to death?
Because Catholics didn’t want to have to go [punch yourself wildly all over the place with both fists].
The Pope and the Queen of England are standing before a crowd of Brits. The crowd is cheering.
The queen says from the corner of her mouth, “I bet you I can make the Englishmen in the crowd go wild just by raising my hand.”
“All right,” the Pope says, “Let’s see.”
The queen raises her hand in a small wave, and the English go CRAZY, stomping and yelling and clapping.
“Impressive,” the Pope says. “But I bet you I can make the Irishmen in the crowd go even wilder, just by nodding my head.”
“All right,” the Queen says, “Let’s see.”
So he head-butts the Queen.
Jim’s been married for a few months. His hard drinking buddies miss him and finally persuade him to come out for old times sake.
“Ok, but I can really only have a couple. My wife doesn’t want me drinking so much” says Jim.
“yeah, sure, no problem” say his buddies.
So Jim has two and then two more and then they do shots and drink more beer and soon Jim is pretty wasted. So drunk he throws up a little and some of it gets on his shirt.
“Aw, no, look at this” says Jim “My wife is gonna kill me.”
“No, here’s what we do” says one of his friends “I’m gonna loan you twenty bucks.” And he takes a twenty dollar bill and puts it in Jim’s shirt pocket. “Now you can tell your wife someone else threw up on you and gave you twenty to clean your shirt.”
“Awesome idea!” says Jim. “This calls for shots!”
So they drink and drink and Jim stumbles home after closing time. His wife is up to meet him and she’s furious.
“You’re Drunk!”
“No I’s not that bad. I only hadda few.”
“You threw up on yourself.”
“No, you see, shome other guy threw up on me. See he gave me twenny to clean the shirt.” And Jim pulls out the money.
His wife says “There’s forty dollars here”
“Yeah after he threw up on my shirt he also took a crap in my pants.”
After a big argument, a politician fires his speechwriter. It’s just before he gives a major speech, and the politician goes straight up to the podium. He reads the speech, and it’s masterful. His audience cheers and cheers as he reads on, turning page after page in growing excitement, as he promises to cut the deficit, abolish poverty, provide free health care to everyone, give a great education to all American children, and keep the country militarily strong while significantly reducing taxation.
The next-to-last page of the speech reads, “My friends, let me tell you how I will accomplish all of these wonderful things for our country in the next four years.”
The last page reads, “You’re on your own now, asshole!”
A chauffeur is hired to drive a Nobel Prize-winning astrophysicist, Dr. Percival Smith, around on a lecture tour. The chauffeur always comes into the auditorium and listens to the speech, which is the same every time. After three weeks and several dozen deliveries of the speech, Smith is bored, and the chauffeur knows it by heart. So they decide to switch places. Smith puts on the chauffeur’s uniform, and the chauffeur dresses in the genius’s suit and tie. He gives the speech, and it goes flawlessly. Smith, seated in the back row, nods approvingly.
But another astrophysicist rises at the end and says, “That was a brilliant speech, Dr. Smith, but tell me…” and goes on to ask a fiendishly difficult question.
The chauffeur breaks out in a cold sweat before smiling. He says with a wave of his hand, “That is a simple question. It is so simple, in fact, that I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it!”
Down in Hell, three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire tells the bartender demon he’d like a pint of O+, the bartender demon obliges.
The second vampire asks for a pint of AB-, the bartender demon obliges.
The third vampire asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender demon looks at him confused. “But you’re a vampire!” he asks, “Don’t you want human blood?”
The third vampire…
pulls out a used tampon and says “No, I’m having tea.”
This one probably has to be spoken out loud to get it…
Q: What is milky white and streaks across the sky?
A: The Coming of the Lord.
(I will be NOT be drinking tea when I go to Hell.)
I beg to differ. All of my best lawyer jokes were told to me by lawyers.
By the way, what do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
“Your Honor.”
What do you call a black guy wearing a suit in a courtroom?
The defendant.
5 points.
6 points.
5 points.
7 points.
6 points.
9 points.
A male crab began dating a female lobster. At first they kept their relationship secret, but finally the lobster told her father that she was dating him.
Concerned, the father said, “Sweetie, you know that crabs don’t walk like we do. Crabs walk sideways, and we walk straight. I don’t think this is a very good idea.”
The female lobster said, “But Dad, he’s the sweetest crab in the ocean. He’s kind and treats me very well. Let’s invite him to dinner next week, and you can see what a nice guy he is.” The father gives his assent.
The lobster then tells the crab, “My dad is uneasy that you don’t walk like lobsters do. Would you try to practice walking straighter for next week?”
So the crab practices walking straight every day for a week. By the day he is due for dinner, he has the lobster walk down pat. He then sets out for his girlfriend’s place.
The lobster dad is watching for him when he appears in the distance, walking as straight as any lobster. He says to the daughter, “Here comes that crab, and he’s drunk!”
A black guy and a Mexican guy are sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
The cop.
How are spinach and anal sex the same?
If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult