7 points.
7 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
6 points.
Zero points. Already posted in this thread (don’t have time right now to search for it).
9 points.
9 points.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
OR
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes‚ I know‚” said the lady‚ “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ “Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A lady points at a Scotsman’s kilt and asks “Is anything worn under there?”
He answers “No, madame, I assure you it’s all in excellent condition!”
A Scotsman drinks to excess and passes out in a public park. Two young women come by and see him there. They giggle and wonder what he wears under his kilt. When they lift the kilt and see he wears nothing beneath, one of them ties her blue hair ribbon around his cock as a joke. When he wakes up the next morning, he says blearily, “I don’t know where ye’ve been, lad, but I see ye won first prize!”
I went to the doctor the other day. He told me it was vital that I stop masturbating. I said “Why, Doc?” He said, “Because this is my waiting room.”
My wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm last night. It’s not as good as it sounds though - she was in bed with her lover, and I was filming them from the wardrobe.
What does a dyslexic insomniac agnostic do?
Stays up all night, wondering if there’s a dog.
The queen is taking a tour of a US hospital when they walk into a patient’s room and he is furiously masturbating. The queen, quite alarmed, quickly looks away. The hospital director explains to her that the patient has a rare condition such that if the doesn’t have 10 orgasms a day he’ll die. The queen accepts that and the tour continues. They step into another room and this time a nurse is on her knees in front of a patient. The queen turns to the director and asks what could possibly explain this! The director says, “some condition, he just has a better HMO.”
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
A man dies and goes up to heaven. Once there, as he is walking around, he sees Mary walking quietly by herself. He goes up to her, and tells her he has always noticed that in all portraits and statues of her she always looks just a touch sullen. He wonders why this is. She looks at him, eyes shifting slightly from side to side and says, “I’ve never told anyone this, but I really wanted a girl.”
A professor hands out a true/false test to all his students who quickly set off to work on it. In the front row is a blonde who proceeds to flip a coin and then write in an answer. After about an hour, all the other students are long gone but the blonde is still hard at it, flipping the coin and writing in her answer. The professor asks her if she is almost done and she says, “yes, I’m just checking my answers.”
A ranger from Oregon calls up the ranger station in Washington and tells them there is a Washington wolf caught in a bear trap on the border between the two states. The Washington ranger wonders how the ranger knows it is a Washington wolf. The ranger replies, “well, he has bitten off 3 of this legs and is still trapped…”
A family is taking a tour of a museum with many old dinosaur bones. They ask the guard at the museum how old the bones are the guard replies, “70 million, 3 years and 8 months.” The family asks how they knew so precisely the age of the bones. The guard says, “well, when I started here 3 years and 8 months ago, they told me these bones are 70 million years old!”
A lawyer gets a call from the local charity asking for a donation.
“Do you know I have an elderly mother who is, as we speak, dying?”, asks the lawyer.
“No, sir, I did not”, replies the solicitor.
“And did you further know my brother was recently laid off and is nearing bankruptcy?”
“No, I didn’t know that either.”
“And my sister. Widowed and left penniless by her no good husband. Did you know about that?”
“No, I didn’t. I’m quite sorry to hear all that, sir.”
“And if I don’t give them any money, why in the world do you think I’d give you any?”
Little Johnny is outside with a bat and ball. He hold the bat in one hand and the ball in another. He announces to no one in particular, “here is Johnny! The greatest hitter in the world!” He tosses up the ball, takes a mighty swing, but misses. He picks up the ball, announces again, “Here is Johnny, the greatest hitter in the world!” and once again tosses it up and misses. Finally, on the third time, he takes the ball and says, “Here is Johnny, the greatest pitcher in the world!”
A woman is hosting a fancy dinner party, and sees that she doesn’t have enough snails for the baked escargots dish she’s going to cook. o, she yells at her lazy, good-for-nothing husband to run to the store and buy 3 dozen more snails.
He runs to the fish market and buys 36 live snails. As he’s walking home, he passes a pub where his friends are all hanging out. They call for him to join them, and he does. He has a drink, then another, then another, and hours pass. Only at 3 AM, when the pub is closing, does he realize how late it is.
He runs back to his house, where he hears his wife coming to the door.
Thinking fast, he puts the snails on the sidewalk outside his door, and starts shouting at them, “Come on, guys, come on! You’re almost there!”
I knew an old whaling captain who used to eat candles and blubber.
But who wouldn’t?
A snail gets run over by a turtle. When the cop gets there, he asks the snail “Did you get a good look at him?” The snail answers “No, it happened so fast!”
Zero points. Already posted somewhere in this thread.
7 points.
8 points.
8 points.
9 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
7 points.
6 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
7 points.
Zero points. Good one, though!
Zero points.
8 points. Pretty cute.
9 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
A man sits alone at a bar quietly nursing his drink when a gorgeous brunette sidles up to him and takes the stool next to him. They smile politely at one another when the brunette whispers into his ear, “for $300 I’ll do anything you want.” The man reaches into his back pocket, pulls out his wallet and slowly counts out $300. He slides it across the bar to the young lady and leans in real close to her and says, “paint my house.”
Another guy is walking down the street minding his own business when out of nowhere a beautiful redhead trips and falls flat right in front of him. He helps her up, but she seems a bit disoriented so he offers to stick with her for a bit until she is fully recovered. They end up at a local bar and before too long they are back at her place. The man wakes up at 1:00 am and jumps out of bed yelling “oh my God! My wife is going to kill me… quick, do you have any baby powder?!”. She does, and he puts some one his hands and heads home. When he gets there, his wife is waiting on the couch ready to tear him a new one.
“Just where have you been, mister?”, she scowls.
He says, “you aren’t going to believe this. A drop-dead gorgeous red-head took a bit of a tumble on the sidewalk right in front of me. I helped her up, and one thing led to another until finally we ended up back at her place for hours of wild sex.”
“Uh-huh”, the wife says. “Let me see your hands.”
She takes one look at the white powder all over his hands and says, “You were out bowling with the guys again tonight, weren’t you?!”
A man is walking along the beach when he comes across a lady with no arms and no legs. She is there, all alone, just sitting in the sand. She looks to him and says, “Hi there… hey look… I’ve had a really hard life. No man has ever even kissed me. I realize you don’t know me, but could you please just give me one kiss?” He thinks about it, and decides what the heck. So he leans down and kisses her. After they finally separate, she looks deeply into his eyes and says, "you know… I’ve… never really been with a man. Do you think… maybe… ". The man gets up, and pulls her up into his arms and heaves her out into the ocean. “There… now you’re fucked.”
What is a blond’s mating call?
“I’m so drunk.”
What is a brunette’s mating call?
"All the blond’s have gone home.
What is a redhead’s mating call?
“Next.”
Scientists have determined there are 4 types of female orgasm.
The postive: “oh yes, Oh Yes, OH YES!”
The negative: “oh no, Oh No, OH NO!”
The holy: “oh god, Oh God, OH GOD!”
The fake: “oh Mr. Mustard, Oh Mr. Mustard, OH MR. MUSTARD!”
Huh? Am I missing something?
He eats candles … and then he blubbers.
What’s the mating call of an ugly blonde?
“Did you hear me? I said, ‘I’M, LIKE, SO DRUNK!’”
I don’t get it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, nailed to the wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, stuffed with crabmeat?
Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, laid across the sidewalkl?
Trip.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, run through a grinder?
Chuck.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, thrown into the ocean?
Bob.
I heard that one as: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, thrown in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, thrown in the surf?
Skip.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying on your doorstep?
Matt.
Clearly our judge has never listened to Dr. Demento. (The Scotsman with the Blue Ribbon joke is ripped off from a Mike Cross song called “The Scotsman”.)
So following along the lines of jokes ripped off from other creative works (see if anyone recognizes the source):
A midget walks into a singles bar and at once sidles up to the most attractive blond in the place.
“Hi,” he says boldly, swaggering a bit. “What would you say to a friendly little fuck?”
The blond looks down at him from what suddenly seemed an enormous height. “Hello, friendly little fuck!”
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!” The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?” The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.” The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.” The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.” The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.” The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.” After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!” The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?” The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”