The OP’s name is Mr. Mustard. Any woman calling his name in ecstasy must be faking it.
How do you keep an idiot in suspence?
…
Why do women always go to the bathroom in pairs?
Because they’re stapled to the chicken!
A man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee and a bran muffin.
The waiter asks, “Is that for here?”
“No, it’s to go,” he replies.
Did you hear about the new Jewish sushi bar? It’s called Sosumi.
Did you hear about the man who was half Japanese and half African-American? Every December 7th, he’d attack Pearl Bailey.
Q. How do you stop a nun from walking through a revolving door?
A. Throw a fucking spear through her head.
Q.What do you call a guy with no arms or legs at your door?
A. Matt
A guy walk out from a bar at closing time, pretty worse for the wear. On his staggering way home, he sees a nun calmly walking on the opposite sidewalk.
No hesitation ! He runs at the nun and POW ! Lays a punch square in her face. As she’s falling down, POW, he knees her in the stomach, POW a solid shot to the gut as she’s writhing on the ground, BAM, another kick, to the head this time. This goes on for 5 minutes, the guy just wailing on that poor helpless woman. When she’s stopped writhing and only emits a kind of painful sobbing, the guy pauses to catch his breath then, spitefully, spits : “Thought ye’d be tougher’n that, Batman.”
Closing time, everybody walks… well, staggers out of the bar; one guy especially looks like he’s in really bad shape, and catches the neighborhood police officer’s eye…
He’s lurching, falling all over cars, trying various cars with his key… finally finds his own car, tries getting in on the wrong side… eventually somehow gets himself seated and starts the engine… At which point the officer pounces.
The guy proceeds to lose his drunk demeanor immediately, and what’s more, blows a 0.0 on the breathalyzer!
“So, what’s up with the drunk behavior before?” asks the nonplussed officer. “You weren’t drinking at all!”
“Oh, you’re very right, I wasn’t drinking. I was the DD tonight – Desgnated Decoy”
I think Dr. Demento played the version by Bryan Bowers but yes, it’s an oldie but goodie.
Schrodinger’s Cat trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson.
Of course I’ve also heard that the story is about Harlan Ellison, but can he really be considered friendly?
Two nuns are in the bath. Sister Joan says, “Where’s the soap?”
Sister Margaret replies, “Yes it does, doesn’t it?”
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of dirt?
Doug.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a vine?
Barry.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs at the beach?
Sandie.
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs at a burger restaurant?
Pattie.
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in a cash register?
Penny.
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in a decanter?
Sherry.
Now I don’t get this.
Did you hear about the bar on the Moon that closed? No atmosphere.
“911. Please state the nature of your emergency.”
“Omigod, I’m hunting with a friend, and we were crossing a fence, and my gun went off and I shot him, and holy shit, I think he’s dead!!!”
“Calm down, sir, please. I can help you. First, are you sure he’s dead?”
“Um…” BLAM! “Yes, I’m sure. What do I do next?”
George Bernard Shaw says to the beautiful woman seated next to him at a fancy dinner party, “My dear, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?”
She giggles and says, “Yes, I suppose I would.”
He says, “Well, then, would you sleep with me for a pound?”
She is outraged. “Certainly not. What do you take me for?”
“I think we’ve established that already, madame. Now we are merely negotiating the price.”
Sounds like “[action often done in the shower] wears [down] the soap?”
Always heard this as
… “Calm down, sir, please. I can help you. First, please make sure he really is dead.” …
Q. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, and green?
A. 3 Nuns fighting over a pickle.
Q. Why did Darth Vader kill the Jedi chorus?
A. Because he wanted to hear Han Solo.
“911. Please state the nature of your emergency.”
“My friend and I were walking down the street and I think he’s having a heart attack!”
“Ok, I will send an ambulance right away. What street are you on?”
“We are on Eucalyptus.”
“Ok, can you spell that for me?”
“Y-U-C… Give me a minute, I’ll drag him to Oak Street.”
Another sure zero-pointer … but what the hell:
A man bought a motorcycle from his friend. The friend, loathe to get rid of the bike, hands the man a jar of vaseline and tells him, “Listen, I use this to keep the chrome shiney. Promise me if you ever leave her out in the rain, you’ll vaseline up the chrome.”
“Will do,” he says, and heads off to show his girlfriend his new bike.
As it happens, it is the first time he’s been invited to eat over at her house with her family.
He meets her there and before they go inside she tells him, “My family is a little strange. So I just want you to be prepared. There’s this game we play where the first person to talk at the table has to do the dishes.”
“Oh. Okay. That sounds kind of fun.”
They enter the house and the guy sees dishes all over the place. On bookcases, on the floor, stacked up on the stairs, just everywhere. He doesn’t say anything, but joins them at the table. As they begin to eat, nobody says anything. He doesnt either but feels very weird about the whole thing. Even when he knocked over his glass of water, spilling it all over the table and breaking the glass, nobody says anything.
He decides to see just how far the game goes. He leans over and gives his sweetie a big juicy kiss. Nothing.
He kisses her again, this time feeling her up at the same time. Nothing.
He goes for broke, laying her across the middle of table and just fucking her for all she’s worth. Nothing.
When he’s done, he figures what the hell, he grabs his girlfriend’s older sister and lays her across the table and fucks her as well. Nothing.
Now it’s the moms turn. He’s going bananas, just laying it into her, boning her long and hard. Nothing.
Just as he’s finishing up with the mom, he looks out the window and notice it starting to rain. Remembering what his friend told him, he reaches into his jacket pocket to get the vaseline to rub on the chrome.
Just then the father stands up and say, “Okay, okay! I’ll wash the fucking dishes!”
A homeless guy is found passed out on the sidewalk, so, he is taken to the local community hospital.
There, two young female interns are given the unenviable task of washing him up.
So, one says to the other, “Ok, I’ll start at the head and wash down as far as possible, you start at the feet and wash up at far as possible.”.
At that point, the guy is starting to come to, he lifts his head up a bit and says,
“What about the Possible”, who’s gonna wash it?".