Zero points.
6 points.
Zero points.This one probably won’t work well once written, but…
What sound does a 500lbs. fly make ?
BZZZ BZZZ
HELGA’ S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship – all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our Naples Golf Club members decided on this “all-girls” trip.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today – seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino… Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.
Little Jimmy was sitting on the curb in front of his house smashing pissants with his thumb when Father O’Malley walked up to him.
“Little Jimmy, what are you doing there?” he asked.
“Just squashing these pissants,” Little Jimmy replied.
“And why would you be doing that?” the Father asked.
“I dunno,” Little Jimmy shrugged. “'Cuz they’re useless, I guess.”
“Why little Jimmy, you know these little pissants are God’s creatures,” Father O’Malley scolded him. “And all of God’s creatures are beautiful and have a place in His vision. Why you couldn’t name three things on this world that are useless.”
“Sure I can,” answered Little Jimmy as he squashed another pissant. “Balls on a preacher, tits on a nun, and these fucking pissants.”
A woman of a certain ethnic origin yearns for freedom and stows away on a ship. She’s soon found by one of the crew, who promises not to betray her, but only if she has sex with him every day for the duration of the voyage. She reluctantly agrees. This goes on for three weeks. Finally she is discovered by a second crewman. She confesses everything and asks when the ship will arrive in America. The second crewman rolls his eyes and says, “Lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.”
A white guy, an “ethnic”* and a mother and her beautiful 20 YO daughter are on a train… guys opposite gals.
The train goes into a tunnel… there is the distinct sound of a kiss, and of a punch landing, and when the train emerges, the white guy has a doozy of a black eye.
So – what is each one thinking?
The mother is thinking: “Good for my baby! That White Trash tried something with her, and she hit back like she should!”
The daughter is thinking: “Guess that piece of White Trash was trying to lay one on me in the dark, but the train must have lurch, and he ended up smooching mom, who hit him back like she’s taught me!”
The White guy is thinking: "Well, the damned “ethnic” tried to kiss the pretty girl, and she swung back and hit me by mistake.
And the “Ethnic” guy is thinking: There’s another tunnel coming up; and I’m going to kiss my hand again and blow up the honky bastard’s other eye!
- Also told of French and German, English and Irish… you get the idea!
I hadn’t heard this one until someone sent it to me in an email today, so maybe some of the rest of you haven’t heard it either…
I was at the checkout line the other day, behind a Sweet Young Thing who was purchasing a large bag of Purina Dog Chow. Trying to start up a conversation, I said “so, you own a dog?”
This is where comedian Bill Engvall would have responded “here’s your sign” for that being such a stupid question. But the Sweet Young Thing just said “No, I’m going back on the Purina diet. I probably shouldn’t, because the last time I lost fifty pounds but then ended up in the hospital. You just fill your pockets with Purina dog chow and feed yourself a couple of nuggets whenever you get hungry.”
“How did you end up in the hopital?” I asked. “Is there something in Purina dog chow that’s bad for humans?”
“No”, she said. “It’s a perfectly healthy diet for humans, giving you virtually all of the nutrients your body needs. But one day I chased an Irish Setter into the street trying to sniff his butt and a car ran over both of us.”
6 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
6 points.
7 points.
Just sent to me via email:
SECURITY ALERTS IN WESTERN EUROPE
In the light of the recent attempt to bring down a commercial aircraft by
terrorists the English have raised their security level from “Miffed” to
“Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to
“Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross”
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have
been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time
the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the
Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are
“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed Frances white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to
“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat
Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to
“Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher
levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to have their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully-designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.
Here’s a couple of good ones that I saw on TV at the weekend:
- “My brother died last week - you know, the one that works in the coffee processing plant? Apparently he tripped and fell into a vat of powdered coffee beans.”
“That’s terrible! Did he suffer a lot?”
“No, it was instant.”
- “OK, that last one was a joke, but I shouldn’t tell it really - my brother really did die last year. He was a huge fan of football, baseball, and hockey - they were all he lived for, he spent all his time and money playing or watching. So when he died, I scattered a bit of him on the football field, a bit of him on the pitcher’s mound, and a bit of him at the ice rink. I was just leaving when the police arrested me.”
“Why? Did you need to get permission?”
“No - apparently I should have cremated him first.”
Guy comes home from work and tells his wife, disgustedly, “Well, honey, I lost my job at the pickle factory. I got fired.”
“Oh, no, why?”
“Well, you know Joe, that wise-ass who stood next to me? He bet me a hundred dollars I wouldn’t stick my dick in the pickle slicer. We need the money, so I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer, and the boss saw me and fired me on the spot.”
“But, but … what about the pickle slicer?”, his wife asked, wondering about the status of her favorite toy.
“The boss fired her too.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Intergalactic Gladiator
“Balls on a preacher, tits on a nun, and these fucking pissants.”
Zero? Well I never!
I once had a date with the printer’s daughter, but she wasn’t my type.
I also once had a date with the umpire’s daughter, but she was never safe when she was out.
Did you hear about the colonel who got kicked out of the Army? He was caught playing with his privates.
Pretty funny, but not what I would consider a ‘joke’ (in the context of this thread).
Anyhoo, 9 points.
1. 8 points.
2. 7 points.10 points for ElvisL1ves!!!