Wow, I was just thinking this afternoon about how I couldn’t remember the details of this joke, and maybe I should ask around on the Dope…
Zero points. But very well-told.
Zero points.
7 points.
Zero points.
No joke, this thread is making me wish I didn’t live in an apartment building with such thin walls. I’m cracking up. Good way to make a joke thread more interesting.
Three men apply for secret agent training and at the end of the course they are told there is a crucial test they must pass to be granted the licence to kill. Each agent is shown a door and told that on the other side is his wife, gagged and bound hand and foot, sat in a chair. Each agent is handed a gun and ordered to kill his wife.
The first shakes his head and refuses to comply. “Very well,” says the examiner, “you have shown you are not ruthless enough for the job. You fail the course, and there will not be a second chance.”
The second goes in, then comes out a few moments later. “I thought I could do it, but as soon as I saw her face I realised it was no go,” he says; and gets the same speech.
The third goes in, the door closes, there is the sound of three gunshots, then a voice yelling “Aw, fuckin’ thing!” followed by a loud thump and a long series of bangs and crashes. Eventually it all goes quiet, after a few final thumps, and the door opens. The candidate is dishevelled, out of breath and blood-spattered. He scowls at the examiner. “That dumb gun you gave me was only loaded with blanks!” he complains. “…I had to beat her to death with the chair!”
In the days of the cold war, and the dawn of the Age of Computers, CIA decided they’d use computers to locate and train the Perfect Spy.
So, they recruit the best programmers [del]they can blackmail[/del] money can buy, and 2 years later, the program is ready… they start inputting the census data into it, and 2 years later, they have their Perfect Spy candidate… after 5 more years, he’s been recruited, trained, and he’s ready for his mission.
During the darkest of dark nights, he is airlifted by a super-double-secret means into the heartland of the USSR… and after 2 days and 2 nights, he finally reaches a tiny hamlet, where he knocks on one of the doors, and in perfect Russian, with the most perfect of local accents and using the most perfect local ways, he asks the lady of he can rest for a few hours.
The lady says… “well, sure. We don’t get many American spies here, you know…”
The spy, crestfallen, asks her… “what’s wrong? Is my Russian not good?”
“Oh, no, your Russian is perfect – you speak absolutely like a native.”
“Is my knowledge of local folklore off?”
“Oh, no, you could have truly been a resident of the next village over!”
etc…
Finally, the spy can’t take it anymore, and asks… “so, what gave me away?!?”
And the lady answers"Well, to be honest, we don’t get many black people 'round these parts…"
Whew! Finally got through the thread…
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to open a beer?
A: None. The bitch better have it open when she brings it to me.
A door-to-door salesman is walking through an upscale neighborhood. He’s doing reasonably well when he comes to the house at the end of the street - actually one of the most expensive he’s seen so far today.
He walks to the door and rings the doorbell. After a minute, the door opens. An eight year boy is standing there. He has a scotch in one hand, a cigar in his mouth, and he is wearing a bra and panties.
The salesman looks at him for a moment and finally manages to say, “Ummm. Son, is your mother or father at home?”
The boys slowly takes out the cigar, looks the salesman up and down and says…
“What the fuck do you think?”
A man is washed ashore on a desert island in a shipwreck. A year later, a beautiful young woman washes ashore. He’s amazed when he realizes that it’s supermodel Heidi Klum. He nurses her back to health, and she’s so grateful that she offers herself to him, and they make love for days on end. Finally, after a week, he says, “Heidi, this has been a wonderful week, and I’m deeply grateful, but… I have a rather odd request for you.”
“What is it?” she asks.
“Could you, um, dress in some of my spare clothes?”
“OK,” she says, puzzled.
“And could you, um, tie your hair back so that you look more like a man? And use some of this burnt cork to give yourself five o’clock shadow? And maybe slouch a little more?”
Mystified, Heidi complies.
When she’s done, he grins widely, throws his arm around her shoulder and says, “I don’t know who you are, fella, but I’ve been dying tell somebody. You’ll never guess who I’ve been sleeping with…!”
Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves … by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me.”
9 points.
7 points.
-
8 points.
-
10 POINTS for Zakalwe!!!
8 points.
8 points.
Whoot!
I knew it! I got that one from a magazine article about comedians and in the sidebars, they all told their favorite jokes. I wanna say that one was Seinfeld’s, but I can’t remember for sure.
It also tells well. I am not particularly good at telling jokes and I never fail to get a laugh with that one.
Okay, one more (sorry for trying to tell a visual joke in a written form):
How does every “certain ethnicity” joke start?
[looks around the room slowly, making sure to check over both shoulders]
That one reminds me of this Family Guy bit.
7 points. Don’t get cocky, kid. 
Was it Patton Oswalt, by chance? He told that one (to great effect, since he kind of looks like an 8-year-old drinker/cigar smoker) on the History Channel’s History of the Joke program a couple of years ago.
Don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it was someone I’d heard of. It was definitely a Time magazine article sometime in the last year or two. A quick search of their site doesn’t turn up anything that looks right though.
Oh no worries. I didn’t have high expectations (visual joke, written medium and all). Most of my better jokes have already been told by others and the one sure winner I had left has already been told.
A lion goes through the swinging doors and limps into the saloon. He say to the barman “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot me paw.”
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
An Englisman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two nuns, a horse, a bear, a man with a frog on his head, two jumper cables, a termite and a piece of string walk into a bar.
The barman says “What is this, some kind of joke?”