Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
8 points. Saw it coming a mile away, but still pretty damn funny.
I thought of that. Problem is, it automatically eliminates all the zero-pointers I’ve already heard.
Maybe we could take nominations for the top ten of the entire thread, then vote.
Any thoughts / other ideas??
I think we should do that–noms for the top ten of all the jokes told, including ones you may have liked but already knew.
I always heard it this way:
Q) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A) To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Explains the hundreds of dead armadillos that one finds all over the roads in Texas.
Two prostitutes are standing next to each other on the street corner. “Man, I think I have to quit this job,” the first whore says. “I’m starting to smell cock in the air.”
The second one replies “No that I was me, I just burped.”
Damn. Sorry about the repeat earlier. Here’s another pirate joke:
Three kids come to the front door of a house on Halloween. One boy is wearing a sheet with two eye-holes cut in it, the little girl is wearing a fancy pink dress and a tiara, and the other boy has on ragged clothes, a red bandana tied around his head, an eye-patch, and a plastic sword stuck in a sash around his waist.
They knock on the door and a woman comes to open it.
“Trick or treat,” says the first boy.
“My, look at the scary little ghost!” she said, “Here’s your candy.”
“Trick or treat,” says the girl.
“Oh, look at the beautiful princess. Here you are, dear.”
The last boy says, “Twick ow tweet.”
“And what are you, little one, a buccaneer?”
“No wady, I’m a piwate. Open up youw buckin’ eyes!”
And since you seem to like punny jokes, here’s one hand-crafted by my uncle that he thought I’d like since I live in Japan.
What’s the official drink of the Japanese government?
Diet Coke.
???
What did the swami say when the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine?
“No thank you, I’m trying to transcend dental medication.”
Diet.
“Doctor Livingston, I presume?”
What is your full name, Doctor Presume?
(this and the preceeding ones were all on a Peter Schickele / PDQ Bach album a decade or so back).
8 points.
7 points.
6 points. (once I read the explanation)
9 points.
6 points.
I think I’ll do it this way: I will scan all the entries and pick out zero-point jokes that I would have rated 10 had I not heard them before. Then, I will post all of these and host a poll that will narrow it down to just five (or three?). Next, a poll with the 5 or 3 finalists.
Just for the record, Mustard Ol’ Buddy, if you were to use the multi-quote feature in the software, it would provide each punchline a link back to the post containing the joke, so if we missed one, we could just click once to find and read it automatically.
Carry on…
Q: What did the Buddhist man say to the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything.”
Q: When the Buddhist man paid with a twenty and asked for some money back, what did the vendor say?
A: “True change comes from within.”
Wow, great idea Wombat.
Zero points, both.
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb of the road, playing with something in the gutter. A Marine in full dress blues was walking by and wondered just what it was that had Johnny so engrossed. The Marine got closer and closer, but still couldn’t figure out what Johnny was doing, he seemed to be playing with some filth from the gutter, but that just didn’t make sense.
Finally, the Marine asked Johnny what he was playing with.
“Dog shit.”
“Why are you playing with dog shit:?!”
“I’m making a sailor.”
“Why are you making a sailor out of dog shit?”
“There’s not enough dog shit here to make a Marine.”
Sometime later, Little Johnny is at the airport. (No, I don’t know why Little Johnny is now at the airport: Perhaps his parents are trying to get him the Hell out of Dodge.) Little Johnny has to go to the bathroom so he walks to the men’s room. By chance a Marine in transit shows up at the men’s room at the same time. He’s in his dress blues, freshly pressed, looking like he’s just stepped out of a recruiting poster. The knife edge creases are so sharp you could cut yourself on them, it seems.
Little Johnny looks in awe at this vision before him.
“Hey, mister! Are you a real Marine?”
“Yes, I am, sonny. Want to wear my cap while I use the bathroom?”
“Sure! That would be great!”
So, Little Johnny is standing just inside the men’s room, beaming with the Marine’s cover on his head when a sailor in transit staggers into the men’s room. This sailor is dressed in what had, at one point, been his dress whites. He’s missing his neckerchief; the blouse stained with mud, blood and other substances which I am too squeemish to mention; his slacks are torn at the knee, and have lipstick stains on them as well. He is unshaven, his eyes are squinted down, and even through the slit he’s opened, it’s obvious that they’re bloodshot through and through.
Little Johnny looks in awe at this vision before him.
“Hey, mister! Are you a real sailor?”
“Yes, I am, sonny. Wanna suck my dick?”
“On no! I’m not a real Marine! I’m just wearing his cap!”
One more bit of military humor, I’m not sure if you’ll call it a joke, or not, but here goes. There is a bit of rivalry between the surface and submarine fleet in the Navy. ‘Skimmer’ sailors tell lots of jokes about ‘bubbleheads,’ usually involving allegations of widespread homosexuality among the ranks of those bubbleheads. A couple of examples:
Boomers. 120 men go down, and 60 couples come up.
or
Did you hear that the commissary has gotten a new set of working uniforms for the submarine fleet? Yeah, they’ve got two sets of zippers: one in the front and one in the back.
Personally, I always figured no matter how bad things got, the bubbleheads had the trumping joke:
Q: Whaddya call the surface fleet?
A: Targets.
6 points.
6 points.
6 points, all.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: “And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder says…
“Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”
A tough guy applies for a job with the CIA.
His interviewer says, “Congratulations, you’ve passed the written portion of your examination with flying colors. Now, there are three doors on the other side of this room. Behind the first door is a table with a large bottle of bourbon. You have to drink all the bourbon at once to show that you can hold your liquor and still work effectively. Behind the second door is a tiger and a length of rope. You have to wrestle the tiger and tie it up to demonstrate your strength and persistence. Behind the third door is a beautiful woman on a bed. You have to make love to her and make her come at least twice, to prove that you can use sex as a means of gathering intelligence. Ready? Begin!”
The tough guy goes into the first room and knocks down the bourbon, all of it, glug glug glug. Then he goes into the second room, and the interviewer hears the tiger roaring and thrashing around.
The tough guy emerges after half an hour, covered in scars, and says [slur your words when you tell this joke], “OK, where’s the broad you want tied up?”
A businessman is flying First Class on a sparkling new Boeing 747.
The pilot comes on the PA system and says, “Sorry, folks, but we’re having a little engine problem here, so I’m doing to have to shut down one of the engines. We’ll be 15 minutes late, but don’t worry, we’ll arrive safely in Houston.”
A few minutes later, the pilot comes back on to say, “Ladies and gentlemen, a little red light on my control panel is telling me we’re having a problem with a second engine. So I’m going to shut it down, but don’t worry, we still have enough power to make it to our destination in style. We will, unfortunately, now be half an hour late.”
Time passes, and the pilot comes back on. “Well, folks, wouldn’t you know it, a third engine is conking out, so I’m shutting it down, and I’m sorry to tell you we’ll now be 45 minutes late.”
The businessman turns to his seatmate and says, “Just watch. He’ll lose another engine, and we’ll be a whole fucking hour late to Houston!”
It’s nighttime on the ocean, in dense fog. The captain of an aircraft carrier is told by his radar operator that there’s a contact dead ahead. The captain gets on the radio and says, “Unidentified contact, please veer to starboard. We will maintain our course and pass you.”
The reply comes back, “Negative, you veer to starboard, please.”
The captain says, “Uh, negative, we will not. Veer to starboard, please. We will not ask again.”
“Sorry, but you must change course.”
The captain tightens his grip on the mike and says, “This is the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan, over 1,000 feet long, displacing more than 100,000 tons, with a ship’s crew of over 3,000 and an air wing of 2,400, carrying 90 warplanes and helicopters, not to mention the two cruisers and three destroyers in our battle group. I have the right of way and I demand that you change course immediately!”
The reply crackles back, “This is the Cape Thomas Lighthouse. Your call.”