How does the father gives his genes to the baby?
He fucks the mother
That I get, but what does the parallelogram have to do with it?
A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. Though they’re natural enemies, drink and atmosphere soon gets them to talking and their chat turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies among the other pirates.
The sailor noticed that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and figures there are some interesting stories behind them. He asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”
“I was blown off me ship in a storm and floated for two days until my crew rescued me. Me leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That’s very exciting. But how about the hook?”
The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with another pirate over treasure, he took it right off with a mighty blow. I did manage to kill him for it.” The sailor is impressed by how tough this pirate is.
“And how did you get the eyepatch?”
"Well,"says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, “a seagull shit in me eye.”
The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull shit? Wow, I had no idea that was so dangerous.”
The pirate sighed and said, “Well, ye see, it was me first day with the hook.”
Freudian Slit:
Just demonstrating that the child is so naive that he sees that question as equivalent to his math homework questions, which his parents couldn’t answer. But obviously, we know that his parents must know how a baby gets its father’s genes.
Zero points (except the middle one: 6 points)
Zero points.
6 points.
8 points.
Zero points.
6 points.
Zero points.
8 points.
9 points.
6 points.
Not exactly a joke, but 7 points regardless.
7 points.
Zero points. Haven’t heard that one in 30 years.
Zero points.
Zero points. Actually, the greatest invention of all time is the Venetian blind.
Without them, it would be curtains for all of us.
9 points.
7 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
6 points.
6 points.
8 points.
6 points.
Zero points. I believe this is a repeat.
A young man gets his first job as a sales clerk at a department store. The sales manager trains him, explaining that the key to high sales is related sales. “If a customer comes in for a coat, you sell him gloves and a scarf. If he comes in for nails, you sell him a new hammer. Related sales, that’s the key to being a good salesman.” The young man nods his head and says he understands.
Up walks a customer, a man who asks the young man, “Where do you keep the tampons?” The manager surmises that this isn’t going to be much of an opportunity for the young man, who takes the customer over to the personal care section. He goes about his business. About an hour later, the manager happens across the young man and the customer again, only now, the customer has a tent, sleeping bag, camp stove, lantern, and cooler. He watches as the salesman rings him up and waves goodbye to the customer. “How on earth did you sell that man all that stuff?” asked the manager.
“Related sales, just like you told me.”
“He came in asking for tampons!” the manager said. “What do mean, related sales?”
The young man replied, “Well, I just told him, as long as there’s nothing going on this weekend, why not go camping?”
Show-offs.
A guy slows suddenly on the highway and the woman behind crashes into him. Both cars are severely damaged, but at least neither driver is injured. They call 911 and sit by the roadside chatting while waiting for police to arrive.
“What a miracle!” The guy says. “No one was injured, just your insurance rates might go up a bit. Maybe this is fate! You seem like a pleasant intelligent woman; I’m a nice guy; maybe we’re destined to be friends!”
“Or even more than friends!” smiles the woman, who looks in her car for a moment and comes back with a bottle. “And more good luck! This bottle of vintage pinot noir didn’t even break in the crash. I don’t have any wineglasses, but let’s split the bottle now in honor of our sudden friendship. … I’ve got a throat infection; you go first.”
The man drinks half the bottle of wine, hands it to her, says “Your turn.”
She says, “Nah. I think I’ll wait for the police to show up.”
Zero points.
8 points.
Father O’Leary and his friend Rabbi Shlomo have lunch together every week. The priest keeps trying to get his friend to try pork: “C’mon, it’s really good, you really should have a taste!”
“No, thanks,” says the rabbi.
“You don’t know what you’re missing.”
“Really, no. I don’t want to.”
“I can’t believe you. Why not just try it? C’mon, just a bite!”
Rabbi Shlomo finally says in irritation, “I’ll have a big plateful at your wedding, Father!”
Three old guys are sitting around the old folk’s home.
The 70 year old says, “Boys, I tell you, the worst part about getting old is that I haven’t taken a good shit in at least a decade.”
The 80 year old says, “I know what you mean; I haven’t had a decent piss in probably 20 years.”
The 90 year old says, “Well boys, I take a nice healthy shit every day like clockwork at 7am. I follow that up with a fabulous piss every morning at 8am.”
“Sounds like you’ve got it made.”
“Yep,” the 90 year old says, “now if I could only wake up before 9:00.”
Sorry, I was just trying to be funny, this is, after all, a joke thread.
As it has already been explained by cmkeller above, from the kids point of view, if his parents did not know what a parallelogram is, he did not expect them to know how babies are made.
Ah, OK, that’s what I thought it was but wasn’t sure…guess I was overthinking it.
Now, someone explain the one about the guy, his wife, doggy style and the lawn?
Different version…
One day, Father O’Leary asks Rabbi Shlomo “Shlomo, my friend, have you ever in your life tried eating pork?” The Rabbi thinks a bit, leans in, and says “actually, in my young and tempestuous days, I admit I did, once, try a bit of pork.”
A few minutes later, the Rabbi asks the Priest “Tell me, my friend, have you ever… tried the joys of the flesh?” Father O’Leary gets all flushed, looks around furtively, and finally leans in and whispers, almost under his breath “yes, Shlomo, I did, once, as a young man, have carnal knowledge of a woman…”
Rabbi Shlomo says “Beats pork, doesn’t it? :D”
Obviously, the guy took “doggy style” in a very literal sense, as in, doing it on the front lawn, just like dogs would.
Why did the armadillo cross the road?
To prove it can be done.
A City slicker decided after working at a desk job in the cities for 30 years that he wanted to retire to the country and have a hobby farm.
He bought a nice 10 acre hobby farm, moved his family and possetions into the house and was very pleased. Now he needed to get some farm animals.
He was new to this, so he decided to walk down the long gravel road to visit his neihbors who were all farmers and see if he could purchas a few animals to get him started.
The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. “Say farmer” the man yells, “Would you be willing to sell me one of your chickens?” The farmer replies, “Sure, but around here we don’t call ‘em chickens, we call ‘em pullets”.
The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. “Say farmer”, yells the man, “Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?” “Sure”, says the farmer, “but around here we don’t call ‘em roosters, we call ‘em cocks”.
The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. “I could use one of those”, he says . “Hey farmer”, he yells “Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?” “Sure”, says the farmer “but around here we call them asses”.
The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, “Hey, sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear.”
Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off.
Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill. The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. “Excuse me miss,” he said. “Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
When the thread dies down I think a poll should be made where we can vote on all of the jokes that scored a 10 so that the community can determine which is the ultimate joke.