A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
421

Q : How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : Nobody knows. They’d rather cry in the dark.

Q : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : 5. One to unscrew the bulb, one to sing La Traviata, and three to fill the bathtub with frozen ostriches.

Q : How many depressives does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : What’s the point ? It’ll only die again…

Q : How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A : A pound of flax.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:[spoiler] Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, hereinafter known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

   1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

   2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

   3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note : The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, hereafter referred as "Partnership."[/spoiler]
422

6 points.

7 points.

Zero points, all.

:confused:

423

Counting in German: Ein, Zwei, Drei, Vier, Funf, Sechs, …

424

A: Two. One to turn the bulb and the other to SUCK MY DICK

Q: Why are Ethnics’ eyes red after sex?
A: Because of the mace

Q: How do you stop an Ethnic from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What’s an Ethnic’s version of foreplay?
A: Scream and I’ll kill you

425

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tub of shit?

A: The tub.
Did you hear terrorists took over the convention hall that was hosting the Annual Convention of the American Bar Association? They said if their demands weren’t met, they would start releasing the hostages one by one.

426

The Seven Dwarves request an audience with the Pope. As they’re introduced to His Holiness, they push Dopey forward. Without looking the Pope in the eye, he asks :

  • Umm, tell me Holy Father, are there any 35 inches tall nuns in the Vatican ?
  • I don’t think so.
  • How about Italy ? Are you sure there’s not even one 35 inches tall nun in all of Italy ?
  • Not that I’m aware of, no.
  • Really ? And in the entire world ? Are there any 35 inches tall nuns *anywhere *in the world ?
  • I’m sure I’d know if there were. I’m sorry, my son.
    And the six other dwarves start chanting : “Dopey fuuucked a penguin ! Dopey fuuucked a penguin !”

Mickey goes to his lawyer and says he wants a divorce from Minnie. The lawyer listens to his plea, but says : “I’m sorry, Mr. Mouse, but insanity is not grounds for divorce”. Mickey replies : “Goddammit, I didn’t say she was mad, I said she was fucking Goofy !”

427

I bet that one works better live, so you can do the voice.

428

Here’s one I just read in Readers Digest that I thought was funny

A teacher has just finish giving her grade 4 class a lesson on genetics when Robert raises his hand.

“I understand how a mother gives the baby her genes,” he says, “but how does the father do it?”

Unprepared for this kind of question, the teacher replies, “Ask your parents”.

“They won’t know”, he answers.

“They’ll know,” she assures him.

“No, they won’t,” he insists.

“How can you be so sure?” she asks.

“They didn’t even know what a parallelogram was,” he says.

429

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

430

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came across his desk addressed — in a shaky handwriting — to “God,” with no actual address. He opened it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. Also, I have no family to turn to, you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers, each of whom dug into his-or-her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. For the rest of the day, all the workers there at the Post Office felt a warm glow just thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to “God.” All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna"

431

Q: What did the seven dwarves say after Snow White was awoken?

A: Well, guys, back to jerking off.

432

What has four legs and chases cats?
Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

433

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Open the spoiler boxes for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t open the spoiler boxes UNTIL you have answered the question!

  1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.Let’s try another one:

  1. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.Okay, let’s try to redeem ourselves:

  1. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Stumped?

Correct Answer:

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.All right, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

  1. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Stumped again?

Correct Answer:

You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

434

Ha! Datt sho whut yoo kno, Meesta Wizeguy. Wee crocs smaht, and wee trick dum zeebas like yu. Wee pertend be at meeding and wait in wattuh, and eet yu wen you sweem by!

435

Q: Why does the State Bar Association prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
A: To keep the clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A man of a certain ethnic background goes to a hardware store and buys a chainsaw. The sales clerk assures him he should be able to cut about three square acres a day with it. A week later, however, the customer comes back and says he’s exhausted, he’s only been able to cut less than a single acre all week, and there must be something wrong with the chainsaw.
The sales clerk is puzzled and says, “Well, let’s take a look at it.” He pulls the starter cord and the motor roars to life.
The customer asks, “What’s that sound?”

A wealthy man is reading on his patio when a homeless guy comes by. “Got any work I could do for you, mister?” the guy asks.
“Sure,” says the rich man. “There’s a bucket of paint and some brushes around back. Paint my porch and I’ll give you $20.”
The homeless guy agrees, and walks to the rear of the house. He comes back an hour later. The rich guy pays him, and the homeless man says, “Thanks, mister. And by the way, that’s a Mercedes, not a Porsche.”

Three men are arguing over what is the greatest invention ever. One man says, “The airplane. We can go all over the world in a matter of hours.”
“No, no, no,” says the second guy. “It’s nuclear power. We can split tiny atoms and create enough power to light a city.”
“You’re both wrong,” says the third man. “It’s the thermos bottle.”
“The thermos bottle?” the other two scoff. “All that does is keep hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Ah,” says the third man, “but how does it know?”

436

I feel slow…I don’t get it. Is it just that this is something everyone knows whereas a parallelogram is slightly more obscure, or what?

437

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”

And then the fight started…

…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

…

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then, which one are you?”

And then the fight started…

438

Johnny and his dad are walking down the street when they pass a couple of dogs going at it. Johnny turns to his dad and asks what they’re doing. “They’re making puppies, son”, replies the dad. Several days later Dad and Mom are in the middle of sex when Johnny walks in about to ask for a glass of water. Stunned at what he sees, he asks what they’re doing. “We’re making you a baby brother, Johnny”, replies the dad. Johnny ponders that a moment and says, “Could you roll mommy over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
Two men walking down the street when they see a dog licking himself. One guy turns to the other, “I sure wish I could do that.” The other replies, “Maybe if you pet him first.”
Two men at a bar discussing their rather bland sex life at home. One says he really wishes he could talk his wife into doing it doggy style. His friend tells him to give his wife a couple of martinis and she’ll be all for it. A few days later they meet up again and the friends asks how it went. The guy says, “Went great! But it took 10 martinis.” “10!? That many?? Wow!”. “She agreed to doggy style after 2, but it took 8 more to get her out on the lawn.”

439

A couple are on their honeymoon night. Before the festivities begin, the husband calls his new bride over and tells her to put on his pants. She obeys, but she has to keep holding them up. She says, “They are way too big!”
“Quite right”, the husband says. "Never forget that I’m the one that wears the pants in this family.
The blushing bride then tells her husband to put on her pants. He struggles but just can’t get them on. “They are too small. I can’t get into them.”
“And unless you change your attitude, you never will.”
Near the end of WWII an old pilot prepares his bomber for the next mission. In walks a young, fresh out of flying school navigator. Without a word, the pilot takes out his pistol and lays it on the dash. The navigator looks at the gun and says, “What is that for?”. The pilot says, “If you get us lost, I’m going to shoot you.”. The navigator pulls out his gun and puts it on the dash as well. The pilot can’t help but ask why he did that. The navigator says, “I"ll know where lost before you will.”
A beautiful wife comes home early from a party and heads upstairs to get ready for bed. As she opens the bedroom door, she sees the butler standing there. Slowly she says, “Jeeves, take off my blouse.” He obliges. “Now take off my bra.” He does as he is told. “Now take off my skirt and panties.” Ever obedient, he does as commanded. She continues… “And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired.”

440

:confused: Lawn?