How do you starve an ethnic?
Hide his food stamps underneath his work boots.
Tasteless misogynist joke warning:
How do you treat a woman who’s been hit by a car?
What the fuck’s a car doing in the kitchen?
I suppose this one could be updated, but this is the way I heard it:
George W. visits the Queen of England and he asks her, “your Majesty, how do you govern so well?”
“Well,” she tells him, “I make sure to surround myself with the most intelligent people.”
“How do I tell who’s intelligent?”
“Let me show you.” She calls in Tony Blair.
“Tony,” she asks, “your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?”
“Why, that’s me,” Tony answered immediately.
“Oh, I see,” George says. He flies back to the White House and calls Dick Cheney into the Oval Office.
“Dick,” W queries, “your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?”
“Hm,” Dick ponders, “let me get a team of advisors on that and I’ll get back to you sir.”
He takes off and thinks about it long and hard. Dick does his best thinking on the pot, so he’s pinching a loaf and he hears Colin Powell come in and start taking a piss.
“Colin,” he says from the stall, “let me ask you a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?”
“Easy,” he responds, “it’s me.”
“Great. Thanks, Colin.”
He polishes up and heads back to the Oval Office.
“Sir, I have the answer to your question.”
“Yes? Your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?”
“Sir, it’s Colin Powell,” Dick tells him proudly.
George smacks him in the head and says, “No, you idiot … it’s Tony Blair!”
Nitpick: She’s the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, not of England.
Bush is receiving a briefing on the Iraq War and is told, among other things, that three Brazilian soldiers were killed that day in Baghdad. Much to the surprise of his NSC aide, the President bursts into tears, and finally is able to gasp out, “How many is a brazillion, again?”
Q: What has twenty feet and seven teeth?
A: A hillbilly unemployment line.
Joe: Do you know the difference between cum and cream?
Fred: No, what?
Joe: Remind me not to go out for coffee with you.
Which reminds me :
Joe : If you were out camping, and you woke up naked, bruised and with a used condom sticking out of your butt, would you tell anyone ?
Fred : Guess not…
Joe (brightly) : Wanna go camping ?
And I’m sure Dick Cheney never really took a shit in the same room that Colin Powell was pissing in in the White House either, but thanks for the tip.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
The Interrupting Cow
The Inter…
Mooooooooooo
Thank you so so SO very much! I’ve been trying to remember the second half of that joke for over 3 years now! That’s one question finally laid to rest! Thank you!
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. One of them said “Oh my gosh! it’s really hot in here!” The other one said “Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!”
Three men were on holiday and went out drinking together. They woke up the next morning in prison, unable to remember anything about the night before, and found out that they had been sentenced to death.
The first man was seated in the electric chair, and he was asked if he had any final words. He said “I don’t know what happened last night. But I am a minister of religion, and I believe that God will not allow a righteous man to die this way.” The switch was pulled, and nothing happened. The gaolers decided that this must be a sign from God that the man was not guilty, so they let him go free.
The second man was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He said “I am a lawyer, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They pulled the switch, and nothing happened. The gaolers decided that the law must be on his side, and let him go free.
The third man got into the chair, and was asked if he had anything to say. He said “I’m an electrician, and I believe that you’re not going to execute anybody today unless you connect those two wires together.”
A man was lying awake in bed one night when he heard a ghostly voice saying “Sell your house, sell your car, take all the money and fly to Las Vegas.” For weeks the man tried to ignore the voice, but eventually he caved. When he got off the plane, the voice said “Turn down that street and go into the third casino on the left.” The man did so. When he was inside, the voice told him “Go and join that game of roulette.” He did, and was instructed to “Put all your money on 17.” The wheel spun. The winner was … 20! The ghostly voice said “Damn.”
Jake and Mary hadn’t been as careful as they should have been with regard to contraception, and she discovered that she was pregnant. She said “If you don’t marry me, I’m going to throw myself off a bridge!” Jake grinned and clapped her on the back. “Not only are you great in bed,” he said “you’re a good sport too!”
6 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
5 points.
7 points.
6 points.
8 points. I know it’s not a joke joke. But I like it.
9 points.
8 points.
7 points.
10 points for Elendil’s Heir!!! Laughed aloud, I did.
8 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
7 points.
6 points.
Zero points. I had heard that the voice said “fuck”. Guess it depends on your audience.
7 points.
Leader Board Updated
The following posters have 10-point submissions:
Elendil’s Heir (x2)
Johnny Q (x2)
J-P L (x2)
amrussell
CMOSDES
Joey P
njtt
Tattman
Here’s another extremely offensive one:
Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Not much you can say. You already told her twice.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there.
Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”.
(Anyone who actually answers didn’t get the joke.)
9 points.
Zero points. I have bad luck telling this one.
Glad to hear it. Woohoo! Thanks.
Julius Caesar is returning in triumph to Rome. A long parade winds along the Appian Way behind him: thousands of soldiers with their shields and spears, a horde of prisoners in shackles, wagons full of loot. As he rides along on his white horse, his head held high, the Emperor hears a murmured noise over the blare of his soldiers’ horns: “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.” Then he hears it again. And again! What is that damned noise, he wonders? He holds up his hand, and at once, total silence falls. Then again he hears it: “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.”
Caesar realizes the noise is coming from one of the dozens of crucified convicts nailed up along the road. He jumps off his horse and strides over to the man, who again murmurs, “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.”
The Emperor, enraged now, gets right in the crucified man’s face, and says, “What was that you were saying? Speak up!”
The man softly sings, “I… love a parade!”
Joe has pushed a broom behind the circus elephants, scooping up their steaming poop, for 40 years. A friend suggests he get another job. “What?” he asks, appalled. “And leave show business?”
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not very damned funny!
Q: How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds it and the Universe revolves around him.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But it has to want to change.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Don’t be silly. Californians screw in hot tubs.
According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf
I always heard the definiton of Irish foreplay was, “You awake, luv?”