What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonky
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A winky wonky
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who likes country music?
A honky tonky winky wonky
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “…On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…” The guy really freaks out!
He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. “Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again “…On the road again…”
The M.A. is totally unimpressed…“So what?” he says.
“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” the guy asked.
“Are you kidding?” says the M.A. “Any asshole can sing country music!”
A bum walked up to me the other day and said “I haven’t had a bite in weeks” so I bit him.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
How do you circumcise a leper?
Shake him.
What was the new motto of United Airlines on Sept 12, 2001?
Leaves Boston at 8, into your office by 9
Why did the little girl fall out of the swing?
Because she had no arms
In the old South, the blacks and whites were always arguing who sat where on the bus. The bus driver yells “Enough! There’s no more black and white, from now on you’re all blue”. They sheepishly look at each other and go “Right on, we’re all blue, we’re all the same.” The bus driver yells: “Light blue people in the front, dark blue people in the back!”
How do you get a certain ethnic out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
(If you’re a guy)
Why does a man orgasm before a woman?
Who cares?
How can you tell if a woman fakes her orgasm?
Who cares?
I don’t get it. Is it some kind of constipation/bran/fiber joke?
6 points.
6 points. For all the winkydinkydonkey jokes.
10 points for J-P L !!!
Zero points. Try again, Henny.
Zero points.
6 points.
5 points.
6 points.
7 points.
Zero points.
6 points.
“It’s to go”, meaning, the purpose of the bran muffin is to make him “go” (crap).
A very wealthy man is on his death bed and asks that is lawyer, doctor and butler all be summoned to his bedside. They all arrive, and the old man tells them that he wants to be buried with his money and they are the only 3 he trusts to do this for him. He has set aside 3 suitcases filled with $500,000 each and tells them that after he is lowered into the ground they need to toss the suitcases into the grave with him. They all agree and the man drifts off to sleep never to awaken again. At the funeral all three men dutifully toss their suitcases into the grave and decide to head off to a local bar to have a drink and remember their old friend. After a couple of beers, the lawyer says he has a confession to make. He only tossed in $450,000 of the money. The doctor, feeling equally guilty, says he too kept some of the money. They both turned to the butler. The butler raised his hands and said, “my conscience is clear. I wrote a check for the entire amount and threw it in.”
A man has decided it is finally time to marry. Being a young, studly, rich lad he is not short on eligible young ladies. Unfortunately, he cannot make up his mind among the final 3, so he decides to give them a test. He gives them each $1000 and tells them to do something with it. The first comes back a week later saying she invested it and now it is worth $2000. The second comes back two weeks later bearing gifts for the man of the most meaningful sort. The third says she took the money and spent it on herself, trying to make herself beautiful for him. Which one did he choose? Which one would you choose?
The one with the nicest rack, of course.
A husband and wife are laying in bed talking about nothing in particular as couples are apt to do. The wife turns to her husband and asks, “If I were to die, do you think you’d remarry?” The husband, a bit taken aback, pauses for a moment and says, “Yes… I think I probably would.” The wife, not too sure about this, asks if he’d stay in the same house. The husband ponders the question a moment and says, “Yes, probably. There really wouldn’t be any reason to move.” The wife, clearly not really liking where this is going, asks, “Would you let her have my clothes, too?” The husband says, “Probably. There really isn’t a reason to throw away all those nice clothes!”. The wife asks, “And would you give her my golf clubs, too?” The husband says, “Of course not! You’re right handed.”
A different couple were laying in bed during a terrific storm when suddenly there is a knock at the door. The husband reluctantly stumbles out of bed and downstairs and opens the door to find a man standing there in the rain dripping wet. The stranger asks, “Excuse me sir, but would you mind giving me a push?”. The husband looks at the miserable weather and says, “No, I’m afraid not.” and closes the door and heads back upstairs. When he gets back up there, the wife asks about who it was and the husband explains. The wife reminds the husband of the time their car died on a night much like this one and how grateful they were to get some help from a friendly person. The husband begrudgingly heads back downstairs, pulls on his raincoat and boots and heads outside. He doesn’t see the stranger anywhere, so he calls out, “Hey? Where’d you go? I’ll give you a push if you need one.” The stranger says, “I’m over here. On the swings.”
(You’ll need a drink to tell this one)
Q. What doesn’t a person want to hear immediately after a blow job?
Take a sip while the person says “What?”, then let it dribble out of your mouth as you say:
A. I love you
It is 2012 and the world is about to end. Suddenly the cardinals and bishops run up to the Pope with some scrolls: “We found a way to save the world! You must give up your vows and sleep with one woman. It’s the only way.”
The pope says "Okay, on three conditions:
- She must be blind, so she cannot see the act
- She must be mute, so she cannot tell anyone of this act"
And number 3, she’s gotta have big tits."
I told this on another joke (pun) thread, but I really want to get 10 points, so maybe you didn’t see it…
I went to the zoo last week. It was so small, it only had one animal - a dog. It was a Shih Tzu!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene
What’s foreplay to an Irishman?
“Brace yourself, Bridget!”
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwartzeneggar decided to team up to make a movie, but instead of an action flick, they decided to do something different and make a historical drama about famous composers.
Sylvestor said, “I want to be Mozart.”
Bruce said, “I want to be Beethoven.”
And Arnold said, “I’ll be Bach.”
A good one, but zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
8 points.
Didn’t get it at first. But now I do. 9 points.
All the leg jokes: Zero points.
Zero points.
What’s foreplay to an Irishman? “Brace yourself, Bridget!”
Meaning no foreplay was provided by the Irishman; penis ensued directly.
Eventually he became a proctologist, and married a psychiatrist. They decided to share an office building, and tried to think of a catchy name for their dual practice. They considered “Rears and Queers”, then “Nuts and Butts”, before eventually agreeing on “Odds and Ends”.
The Pope is badly injured and has a near-death experience. He recovers, though, and meets with the College of Cardinals soon afterwards. They crowd around him, eager to find out what he learned about God. “Well,” he says, “first off, you should know that She’s black, and She’s pissed.”
President Obama is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, bemoaning the results of the Massachusetts Senate election, looking at his own poll numbers, wondering about the healthcare reform bill, the war in Afghanistan, etc. He remembers that Dubya left three envelopes for him, saying, “When things look bad, I mean really bleak, open 'em up, buddy. One at a time, though.”
Obama pulls the envelopes out. They’re all sealed, and numbered one through three. He opens envelope #1. Inside is a small card in Dubya’s handwriting that says simply, “Blame me.” So he goes out, holds a press conference and blames his predecessor for all of the country’s problems. His poll numbers improve and things are better for awhile.
A few months later, though, things are bad again. Obama opens envelope #2, which has a card reading, “Blame the press.” So he goes out and gives a bunch of speeches about how his administration’s policies are really working well, but how hard it is to get through the unfair and biased Mainstream Media filter. His poll numbers edge up, and things are a little better for awhile.
Then the recession deepens and there’s a crisis in Pakistan. His poll numbers are in the crapper. Desperate, Obama opens envelope #3, and pulls out the card, which reads, “Prepare three envelopes.”
During the 1980 campaign, then-candidate Ronald Reagan said, “An economic downturn is when your neighbor loses his job. A recession is when you lose your job. And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”
Nixon is walking the halls of the White House, wondering what will happen to him over Watergate. He talks to the portraits on the walls and asks for advice.
He hears the portrait of George Washington say, “Always tell the truth, be of bedrock integrity, and do what you think is right for your country.”
The portrait of Andrew Jackson says, “Don’t back away from a fight, and don’t let Congress try to push you around.”
The portrait of Abraham Lincoln says, “You look pretty worn out. You should relax - why not go to the theater?”
God appears in simultaneous dreams to the President of the United States, the Palestinian president, and the Israeli prime minister. He tells each of them that humanity has made such a mess of things, the world will end in two days.
The American president goes on national television and says, “My fellow Americans, it is my painful duty to announce to you that the world will end in two days. Let us all pray for the strength to meet our fate with courage and dignity.”
The Palestinian president also goes on the air, and says, “Though Allah has told me that the world will soon end, we can take pride in the fact that, to the very last, we struggled against our Israeli oppressors with every fiber of our being.”
The Israeli prime minister tells his countrymen, “I have good news! God has assured me that we will never again have to turn over any of our sacred territory to the Palestinians.”
My Wills and Trusts course at law school was actually nicknamed “Stiffs and Gifts.” 