A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
581

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs spinning around in a river?
A. Eddie

Q. How do you circumcise a Hill Billy?
A. Kick his sister in the chin.

A guy goes into a bar and orders a glass of whiskey. After he finished his drink he asks the bartender, “Do any big penguins live around here?” The The bartender tells him “no”, and the guy orders another whiskey. The guy asks the bartender, “Are you sure you don’t have any penguins around here? Like, in a zoo or something? Big, five foot tall penguins?” The bartender says, “No, nothing like that around here.” The guys says, “Are you sure there aren’t any big penguins around here? Any penguin reservations, or anything like that?” The bartender’s had enough of this and he shouts at the guy, “No, we don’t have ANY damn penguins around here!”
The guy burst into tears and start sobbing loudly. The bartender says, “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell at you.” The guys says, “No, it’s not that… I think I just ran over a nun!”

582

A penguin is driving in the desert when his car breaks down. He has it towed to a garage, where the mechanic tells him "This is going to take a while. Tell you what, there’s a restaurant across the street, why don’t you wait there?

So the penguin goes into the restaurant, relaxes with a fine meal of herring, and tops it off with a bowl of ice cream (it’s the desert, after all). Thinking the mechanic might be finished, he waddles back to the garage, still with some of that dessert dribbling down his tuxedo-colored chest.

The mechanic tells him “Looks like you blew a seal”.

The penguin answers, “Oh, no, that’s just ice cream”.
Yes, I know, zero points again.

583

A fork went up to a spoon and said “Hey, who was that ladle I saw you with last night?”

The spoon replied “That was no ladle, that was my knife.”

584

6 points.

585 

1. 6 points.
2. Zero points.
3. Zero points.
586

Well, I gave it zero points the first time it appeared in this thread, so I feel obligated to give it 00 this time around.

587

Sheesh!. OK, 7 points. But sheesh!

588

A guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 5 shots of whiskey and then proceeds to slam them down in succession.

The bartender is curious and asks “What’s the occasion?”

“My first blowjob” the guy replies.

“Great!” The bartender replies “have a 6th one on the house”

“No thanks. If 5 shots of whiskey doesn’t get that taste out of my mouth, I’m not sure what will”

589

I don’t get it.

590

Riff on “that was no lady, that was my wife”.

591

Oh. Didn’t know the idiom to begin with, so this explains that.

592

Zero points.

593

OP here…somebody rate me!
A blind man is sitting at a bar when another guy pulls up a stool next to him. The blind guy sniffs the air and says, “you work with wood.”

The other guy is astonished. “I’m a carpenter, but how did you know that?”

“I have a highly developed sense of smell”, the blind man says. “In fact, if you put a piece of wood in front of me, I can tell you what type of wood it is just by the scent.”

The carpenter is intrigued, and runs to his truck to retrieve a few samples. He plops one on the bar in front of the blind man. “Smell this.”

The blind man leans forward, then says, “Easy one. Eastern Red Cedar from the Adirondacks. Got another?”

The carpenter is impressed. A crowd is gathering. The carpenter lays another piece of wood on the bar.

“Chestnut Oak, grown on the southern side of a valley, cut about a month ago. What else ya got?”

The carpenter confirms that the blind man is correct. The entire bar whoops and applauds. Then, the barmaid signals to the carpenter and hops up on the bar facing the blind man, spreading her legs. The blind man sniffs.

“Holy crap, that’s a tough one. Hmmm……I’m not really sure. Can you flip it over?”

The barmaid turns over. She’s now on her hands and knees, her ass near the blind man’s face.

“Damn…man, I know this one….it’s gotta be a shithouse door off of a tuna boat?”

594

So a bank security guard one day just flips out. Starts waving his gun around and threatening people. Everyone’s trying to survive until the cops show up, but in the meantime, a teller grabs a roll of quarters and throws it at him. It hits him in the head, and he barely reacts, so she throws another one that hits him in the stomach. This time he flinches, so she throws one that hits him in the nuts, and he staggers. At which point the bank manager runs over and says “Rose! You can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it!”

595

A man walks into the swanky bar on the top floor of a very, very tall skyscraper. The only other two people there are the bartender, polishing glasses, and another customer, who’s obviously been drinking for awhile. The new guy buys him a drink and they start talking. After awhile the drunk says, “Have you ever been in this building before? It was designed with some weird aerodynamics to prevent suicides. If you jump off the deck out there, the wind will actually pick you up and bring you back again.”

“I don’t believe it,” says the new guy.

“No, it’s true! Watch this,” the drunk says. He runs to the edge of the deck, climbs over the railing and jumps off, and sure enough, falls briefly but then is whisked right back onto the deck. The new guy can’t believe his eyes, so the drunk does it two more times.

“That’s amazing!” says the new guy. “Lemme try that!” So he jumps off the railing and falls to his death far, far below.

The bartender says to the other guy, “You’re really an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

596

But…the quarter-throwing was working.

597

Zero points. And not because I’ve heard it before.

598

8 points.

599

Zero points.

600

Could someone who understands the rating system please rate it?