Zero points. I admit I haven’t heard this exact telling, but there are countless very similar jokes.
6 points.
Zero points.
7 points.6 points.
Marcy went on a date with a guy. They went to the state fair. He asked her what she wanted to do, and she said, “I want to get weighed.”
So they went over to the guy who guessed her weight and he was off so she won a stuffed bear.
Her date asked what she wanted to do next. She said, “I want to get weighed.”
They went back but this time they lost because the guy already knew her weight.
Marcy’s date asked her again what she wanted to do, and she replied, “I want to get weighed.” He gave up in disgust and took her home.
Back home, Marcy’s roommate asked her how her date went.
“Wousy.”
It was 1904, and Edwina was eager to impress Harry, a former Royal Marine who was the very picture of masculine strength and fitness. She was keenly aware of her poor eyesight, however, and was afraid that he might not be interested in her if he knew of her short-sightedness. They arranged to go for a walk along a particular country road, and beforehand she secretly hung a small necklace from a tree in a meadow, a considerable distance from the road. She left her glasses at home and was walking along with him when they reached the fencepost she knew was opposite the tree. She said, “Oh, look, Harry - there’s a necklace hanging from that tree over there in the meadow!”
He peered in that direction and said, “I don’t see anything. You must have remarkably good vision, my dear.”
“Why, thank you, Harry,” she said, blushing. “I’ll just go and get it, shall I?”
She made good progress through the meadow before running into a cow.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride as hard as they can to get away from a horde of Indian warriors before they are cornered in a box canyon. “Well, it looks like this may be curtains for us, Tonto,” the Lone Ranger said. “We don’t have a prayer.”
Tonto coolly replied, “What you mean ‘we,’ white man?”
Gwen invited Randolph to come with her to hear the opera Tristan und Isolde, but she talked all the way through the performance. As the lights came up at the end, she invited him to come with her the next night to hear Parsifal. Randolph replied, “Why not? I’ve never heard you in Parsifal.”
A hospital intern walks up to a nurses’ station to examine a patient’s chart. After reading it, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tries to sign his initials.
Realizing that he wasn’t writing anything, he looks at his hand and exclaims, “Hey! Some asshole has my pen!”
How do you reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Did oy hear about the condom that flew across the room?
It was pissed off.
Nice, but zero points.
5 points.
7 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
6 points.
5 points.And now, for no one’s enjoyment, some Ruthless Rhymes from the 19th Century:
Little Willy with a shout
Gouged the baby’s eyeballs out
Stamped on them to make them pop
Mother said, ”Now William, stop!”
Little Willy with thirst for gore
Nailed the baby to the door
Mother said with humor quaint,
“Careful William, don’t mar the paint!”
Little Willy looked down the gun
And pulled the trigger just for fun
Mother said in voice so pained
“Willy’s really scatter-brained.”
Dr. Jones fell in the well
and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick
and left the well alone.
Making toast at the fireside
Nurse fell in the grate and died.
But what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burnt with Nurse.
An elephant walks in to a bar, sits down and has himself a drink.
The nearby pianist begins playing a song, to which the elephant looks over and begins to cry.
“Recognise the tune?”… asks the pianist.
“No”… says the elephant… “I recognise the ivory”.
This joke is not in Q&A form. Me and a friend were coming up with possible lines for stories and I came up with this one:
“Darkness fell upon the city like a tired cliché.”
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!
Once upon a time there was a little guy, named Tom. He was a good man, as such things are measured. He had one true friend, a sentient frying-pan he named Samuel. They had great fun together, with Tom practicing jumping out of Samuel and missing the fire - you know, to disprove the old adage.
Anyway, time wore on and they got older. Both died on the same day. But while Tom was adjudged a good man and sent to Heaven, Samuel the frying pan had a black heart, and was sent to Hell.
Tom was welcomed, inducted into the Celestial Choir, and trained on the harp, which he took to like a duck takes to water. He soon became somewhat of a virtuoso, and was in great demand. But he missed his friend Samuel the frying pan.
Samuel, meanwhile, became an underworld enforcer, whacking people over the heads. However, being an extremely intelligent frying pan, he disliked this and plotted to improve his station. After a while, during which Samuel indulged himself in a few extramural head whackings that, by a staggering coincidence, caused vacancies to open up in the power structure above him (or should that be below him, heh), Samuel found himself running a major nightspot in the centre of downtown Dis.
Time passed, as it does, and one day in the celestial realm, Tom was approached by the greatest harpist then playing. He was invited to perform at a Concert of Archons. At the concert, Tom played his heart out, and won the ultimate accolade of a Word of Praise from God Himself. He was told he could choose his own reward.
Tom said “Well, I’ve always wondered how my friend Samuel the frying pan is getting on in the Other Place. Might I be permitted to go and find out?” This request caused a lot of controversy, but eventually Tom was granted 24 hours to visit his friend. He set off, pass in hand and harpcase over his shoulder, hoping to be able to bring the solace of Heavenly music to his poor tortured friend’s soul.
Samuel, who was now a big frying pan in Hell’s entertainment sector, met Tom at the gates, showed him around and took him to his nightclub for a wild party. Their, Tom was exposed to the kind of music they have in Hell, and took to it like a duck took to water. It wasn’t long before Tom was ripping up the joint with his harp, tearing the hard-edged sounds from the celestial instrument.
The party went on for hours, and Tom lost track of time for a while. He just barely had time to straighten out his togs and get the black out of his wings before catching the return shuttle to Heaven. There were many hugs, and promises to visit again sometime.
It wasn’t until the shuttle docked at the Pearly Gates and Tom went to get off that he discovered what he had done. Picking up his case, he was struck by the lack of weight, and opened it to reveal - nothing. The case was empty.
Distraught, Tom cried…I’ve left my Harp in Sam Pan’s Disco!
I don’t get it.
A little poem from my college chem days:
Poor little Willie
He was, but is no more
For what he thought was H[sub]2[/sub]O
Was H[sub]2[/sub]SO[sub]4[/sub]
Willie found some dynamite
Didn’t understand it quite –
Curiosity never pays.
It rained Willie seven days!
Willie one day, playing ball,
Lined one down the schoolhouse hall.
Through her door came Mrs. Brill.
Several teeth are missing still.
7 points for the lot of them.