A Former Lover in Germany May Be Dying........

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…and I need your advice on how I should handle a very delicate situation.

She is a girl I grew up with. We “found” each other again in 1990 when I made a trip to my hometown, Karlsruhe, with my late mother. In the few days I was with her, we fell in love. Who knows why? I needed something, she needed something, who even cares why? Anyway, she was married at the time and for 3 years we carried on a clandestine long distance romance during which time I travelled to Germany
4 times a year ( I worked for then-USAir, so it was easy for me), and she came to see me (I was already divorced then) 2 times a year. It worked out, believe me…

Well, I asked for a transfer to Frankfurt so that I could be near her. She had told me she would divorce him, but before it could happen USAir laid me off, and guess what? I had to ship out back to Atlanta and find a new job, start all over because my work visa only allowed me to work for USAir in Germany and would not allow me to apply for other jobs in Germany. In addition, divorce proceedings in Germany take a lot longer than they do here and she wasn’t able to get anything started. I went home bitter, poor and moved in with my parents. Everything pretty much sucked and she and I drifted apart and she stayed with her husband.

This morning I got an e-mail from her telling me that she had breast cancer that everyone thought was in remission but the damn shit surfaced again, and her prognosis isn’t good and she would like to see me again.

What makes this whole thing very delicate is that her husband (who found out about our clandestine affair) has stood by her throughout her whole ordeal and I have nothing but the utmost respect for him for doing that, and I do not want him to feel like I am taking one last swipe at him, if you know what I mean.

I was going over in September anyway, but now I am wondering if I should go sooner. It would take some doing, (the ticket price, the time off from work-we are a very small-staffed department at my hospital, and it throws a big monkey wrench into the works whenever someone has to be out sick, and I don’t know if they will let me off for such a thing), but it could be done.

Do I still love her? I don’t think I ever fell out of love with her. I just “moved on”. But I have often thought of her, and although she didn’t actually say she was dying, I would not like to deprive her of seeing me, if that is her wish. She herself has given me an “out” saying that if I would be too shocked to see her, then she would understand, but I’m not made that way.

Please give me your advice. I have to work tonight and I will be checking in as much as I can.

Thank you

Quasi

2

Go see her.

Soon.

If it’s as bad as all that she may well not be around for September and you’ll never forgive yourself.

If the husband knows about the affair, does he also know that you were/are friends? I can’t imagine he would stand in the way, especially since she invited you. Maybe you can contact him directly and talk it out first just so you both are more comfortable with the idea.

3

I think you should tell her your concerns about how her husband might feel, and ask her how she wants you to handle that part of this situation.

He sounds like a very loving and forgiving man, and I am willing to bet that she has already told him of her wish to see you again, and that she didn’t think to address it in her email to you.

When you love someone that much, you want them to be happy, regardless of how much it might hurt you. This is something that I am very, very sure about. And especially since she may not win her battle, he is probably in favor of her doing whatever will make her feel whole again. And I think that seeing you will do that for her.

I am so sorry, Quasimodem. Cancer is an evil thing. I will be praying that your friend stays positive, and determined, and that she will win this battle.

May God bless all of you.

Much Love,

Cheri

4

Go see her. A friend of mine went through this exact same situation a few years ago. He’s never had cause to regret the time he spent with his ex-lover and her husband.

Your ex-lover’s husband sounds like one hell of a guy; from what I know of you on these boards, so do you. If you can find it in your heart to be there for both of them right now, then I encourage you to do so. Uncertainty can be much more of a torment than a terminal prognosis (although she’s given you a few hints that perhaps her prognosis isn’t optimistic).

She must be a wonderful person to have captured the heart of such fine human beings - only you can make the choice about whether you can face seeing her or not, but I’d ask you to extend the hand of freindship and the gift of compassion to both your ex-lover and her husband at this time, even if you can’t be there in person. They both sound like fine and worthy people.

5

…in Germany (3:00 am in Georgia).I have already written 5 e-mails to her (can’t call her at home, obviously) telling her the things that y’all have mentioned, which i had already considered. I haven’t heard anything yet, but I should by the time I wake up this afternoon.

The man has no love for me (can you blame him?), but if she wants to see me and he won’t allow it, I have a plan B: I am hoping a friend of hers will sneak me in. Still, I am hoping he will see reason.

Thanks for your responses and your prayers.

Quasimodem

6

I agree. Go see her as soon as you can.

I wish you well, Quasimodem. This situation is terrible for all three of you, but I have hope that something good can come out of it.

7

…and that ain’t good.(She says 4 rounds of chemo and one with radiation) I am making preparations to fly over there, and my major obstacle will be my job. If I lie, and say it’s a family member, they are going to want a letter faxed to them from her doc stating that. (I’m sure our resident docs can attest to this).Also, the closest family members I really do have are aunts and uncles and I do not believe they qualify.
So I will have to throw myself at my boss’s mercy and ask for emergency time off (which will have to be filled by an agency therapist, and they are expensive as hell). Looks like I may have to fly over and fly right back. Thank God I have a great credit union, so the money won’t be a problem. Two more nights to work and then I hope to make the trip this weekend.
Still gotta work on the husband angle too.
Pray that it all works out my friends, and if it does, I will take your thoughts and prayers with me.

I really appreciate y’all.

Quasi

8

The exact words she used were Lymphangiosis carcinomatosa, so I hope I translated that correctly and didn’t mislead anyone. She doesn’t speak English and after a twelve hour shift, my medical terminology may not be the best either.

Thanks

Quasimodem

9

…so that it will be archived for a little while, and so that I can share this with you, my friends:

It is now 10:23 am and I have awakened from a very intense dream with tears on my face…

In this dream I was with my Ilona somewhere in Germany, just before dawn. We were taking a walk together and behind us, out of earshot where Achim (her husband) and Nicola and Julia her two beautiful daughters. All around us, there were fireworks going off, so stongly that the explosions jarred our bodies, but they were beautiful to see. We spoke of the past, how we had loved and laughed and lived, and then, as we approached a very tall gate, so tall it could not have been scaled, she suddenly grabbed me by my butt (as she used to like to do), kissed me fiercely and said “Und jetzt Kleiner, kann ich nicht mehr mit gehen. Geh’ durch. Der Achim und die Mädels kommen gleich.” translation “And now, my little one, I have to leave you. I can go no further. Go through the gate. Achim and the girls will be there soon.” And after kissing her once more, the gate opened and I went through.I did not look back through the fenced gate, letting her have her time alone with her husband and children.

I think this dream is significant in that it has helped me deal with the reality a little bit, don’t you think? I believe that in the dream, I (we all three) spent a little time in her heaven, but had to leave her there.

She and I will talk this evening on the phone.

It is important that you all understand that I am not
morose about this dream and I do not want you to feel “creeped out” by it. I think the dream has let me “be there” already in some way and my subconscious is helping me deal with it.

Got some more sleeping to do. Thanks for being here.

Quasimodem

10

Where it reads “where” that should be “were” and the “three” should be “four”. Please excuse the mistakes.

Also, she called me.

She was very upbeat and told me that for now she doesn’t want me to worry and that if I do not hear from her regularly to not think she has “crossed over the Jordan.” (her quotes). She has very little pain in her kidneys and she is trying to work things out with her husband, but wants to be careful with his feelings which I understand, so for now she wants me not to worry. Right

So of course I am. How much of what I heard was her just being brave or how much was due to the chemicals she has to take. It’s rhetorical and this whole post doesn’'t really need an answer, but I know there are some people who care a little about us and I wanted you to know.

Here it comes. READY?

God, I wish I had never left Germany!

Quasimodem

11

Well, for what it’s worth, I agree with Scotticher: I’d ask her, and respect her wishes either way.

If you should choose to see her regardless, of course, I couldn’t blame you.

Quasimodem, I, too, wish you well. I am so sorry to hear of this painful situation. Good luck, and god bless.