A friend just told me her marriage is a mess

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ugh. Just had a FB convo with a friend who’s out of the country right now, doing a big family thing in her husband’s homeland (traditional wedding celebration – they’ve been married seven years, but never done the full thing in his home country). Major deal, she’s been stressing about it for months. The celebration was over the weekend (middle of a two-week trip), and she’s been posting photos of sightseeing, etc., that they’ve been doing this week.

She IMed me last night about one of her clients stiffing her (we’re fellow freelancers, and actually I’m more or less her boss on one project, though we both have a bunch of other irons in the fire), and though I was offline when she sent the message I wrote back with commiserations.

And this morning, when I was online [we’re in completely different time zones/hemispheres at the moment] she pops up, live, saying “Don’t believe the hype [the photos, etc. from her trip], my life is completely fucking falling apart, and, oh, by the way, my husband is abusive.”

What. The. Fuck.

I’d had hints that he was not completely supportive of her career goals – freelance writer is not the easiest of gigs – but had no idea it was more than that.

No, NOT physically abusive, small mercies, but apparently verbally and emotionally, and they’ve been in counseling for it this fall, with minimal progress, and she’s being told that change takes time, and etc.

And I just need to dump this somewhere – because there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do, except offer her my spare bedroom, which of course I did.

She’s getting back over the weekend, and we’d already planned to do something on Thursday (a work-related thing in the morning, then grab coffee after before a networking lunch), so I’ll get more details then [this was a very quick IM convo], and see if there’s something I can do help.

But for now, I’m trying to work, but my brain is just spinning with “Omigod, poor kid, after the hellacious year she had [and she had a truly hellacious year with a whole crushing load of bullshit], now this.”

Thanks for reading, if you did – no advice or anything needed, since this really is for a friend.

2

Yep, not a lot else you can do but lend a supportive ear (but only to the extent that it’s not overtaking YOUR life, too. You’re a friend, not a journal) and an escape if she needs it. Good luck with everything.

3

+1

Kudos that your friend even came out with it to you. So many people are in denial so deep that they never will.

4

This may be a giant can of worms, but what the hell:

Any chance that his lack of support for her freelancing (and whatever other issues they may be having) stem from his coming from a different culture, with different expectations for gender roles, such as women working after marriage, etc? If so – and if not – that could help shape how she and her counselor approach their issues.

Is the counseling individual or joint, or both?

5

Well, that sucks for her and for you - it’s always difficult to hear about someone else going through a very difficult thing, knowing there isn’t much you can do to help them. The offer of your spare room was good - maybe she’ll take you up on it some day, when she’s had enough.

6

Purplehorseshoe: Yes, there are significant cultural differences, but an expectation that she should be little wifey at home isn’t one of them – his complaint is that she should have become a lawyer or something where she’d be making more money.

She’s in individual counseling as well, but my impression is that this is couples therapy for the marriage – as I said, though, it was a fairly quick convo, I didn’t get a huge number of details.

7

Any kids?

8

No, thank God.

ETA: Not that there’s anything wrong with kids, but just that that would make this even more of a mess than it already is.

9

I remember how shocked my family and friends were when I came clean about my (now ex-) husband too. But it was a healthy part of the process, and the fact that your friend opened up to you means she is making some progress toward…well, wherever her marriage ends up.
You’re being supportive, and that’s all you can do.
I’ve been split/divorced now for 11 years and I’ve never looked back. Best decision of my life.

10

What does dear husband do? Maybe she should be pissed at him that he doesn’t do enough, or doesn’t have a big enough cock.

11

Yup - if you’re going to look for faults in your significant other and use it as an excuse to be abusive, you’ll always find something, since we’re all flawed humans.

12

There’s a chance it was a major case of wedding madness overload. Especially because it was pretty much for the benefit of the bride’s in-laws and they were probably running everything and making every decision.

Sort of like the standard Groom’s role: 1) Buy the rings, B) get a good haircut and a shave, III) be there on time in a tux.

13

No, the abuse predates the wedding madness – the wedding madness is just her tipping point for not being willing to pretend that the marriage is okay.

14

Dang. Well, as papergirl put it so well, it sounds like she (and they) are making progress towards whatever the hell is next.

15

Had friends in town over the holidays, our once or twice a year we get to talk in person. I was told some WTF? stuff.

Can be hard to listen and be supportive until the shock wares off.

16

I would be supportive of your friend but non-committal.

Some people who you think are at the absolute end of a relationship end up reconciling. If you say bad things about her partner and they do get back together **then you **end up being an enemy of the relationship. A new enemy of both of them.

“Honey, do you want to know what Twickster said about you when we were having our problems?” “What a bitch!” I don’t think you should talk to her anymore.

Do not provide ammunition for this potential future conversation. I have seen some truly horrid relationships continue through break up after break up. Be supportive. That is all you can do. And you do not have to pick sides.

17

Kind of hard to be supportive if I’m not talking to her.

18

Keep in mind that old Polish saying I’ve recently discovered:

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

19

Do you have specific details about the verbal and emotional abuse? Is it just that he doesn’t like her doing freelance work or is there more to it than that?

20

I have no specific details about anything – this was a five-minute convo via PM on FB.