It can’t be good that all I am hearing in my head is the bass line to a very famous song by the Guess Who.
On a more serious note, this doesn’t really pass the sniff test does it? Again, knowing more about how long they have known each other, was there a plan in place to be together before the alleged “forcing”, can he legally work in the US, all kinds of considerations.
On the other hand there are all kinds of families these days. Adopted, blended, step, etc. I won’t judge anyone who wants to raise someone else’s child, my dad and my son were step children and my son is still very much in the life of someone who is not his father but is his dad. (And not in the life of someone who is the father but not a dad… long story)
But yes, I would want your friend to step back for a moment and evaluate with his brain the implications.
It’s his life, these are his mistakes to make, he’ll have to live with the consequences - not you! I don’t think you have any right, to anything, other than suspicions things might be different than he’s sharing with you. That’s all. You either respect your friend’s independence as an adult, capable of making his own life choices, or you don’t.
Feel free to have lots of conversations that start, “Now I just want to know you’ve considered that…such and such…could happen. You’re aware, right?” That’s what a friend does. This could be the birth of a beautiful young family with everyone’s needs being filled, though created in abnormal circumstances. That’d be awesome! If he’s your friend you should let him have his shot at it, and stay out of it, until someone asks you.
Clearly your own fears would stop you from ever considering such a course, wrought with potential worst case scenarios. If he has the confidence to go for it, who are you to undermine that, based on your fears? It’s his life, let him do as he dares.
Focus on applauding and honouring him, and recognize you do not have to do anything, other than share in his happiness! That’s what a friend should do, I think.
So, does he plan to adopt the child? In the OP you said he claims the child as his, in which case adoption seems likely, given that the baby is not legitimately his.
I sense a lesson learned the hard way in Buddy’s future. He wouldn’t be the first guy to ignore a highway of red flags for love of a woman.
I can see your buddy marrying the girl without much problem, but I can’t see him moving to the US without a lot of interesting paperwork. And in that paperwork, the issue of the child is sure to be addressed. Perhaps finding out what that is going to involve might give you more ideas/info for your friend.
Forgetting the issue of child custody and so forth, I’d be concerned with how the woman is recovering from the violent assault. Even if she’s not going to the police, she ought to seek counseling.
Actually the child won’t be an issue at all. I went through the immigration process bringing in my fiance while I was a single mom. The question of my child didn’t come up in any way other than putting her name down a couple of times when it asked about children. The government only cares about kids who aren’t US citizens in these cases. But I can tell you ‘interesting’ paperwork is an understatement. There’s an entire forum dedicated to helping people get the paperwork together because it is so complicated and so overwhelming. I’d say my visa application packet was about an inch and a half thick. There’s a LOT of paperwork and you have to do it EXACTLY right or they send it back. Last I saw, the application fee was nearly $500 and that’s not counting all the money spent on vaccinations, photos, etc. It doesn’t even end there. If he DOES get here and get married to her, then he has to apply AGAIN for his temporary green card which costs over $1000.
Have you met his gf? Presumably your friend is more knowledgable about her character than you are.
I’m not saying you’re wrong to think she might be lying about the origins of this kid. But if you have nothing factual to support your suspicion, then you should let it go. He is going to do what he wants to do anyway, and if you voice your opinions about his gf, he will probably take offense and cut you completely out of his life. Can’t say I’d blame him either. I wouldn’t want to stay friends with someone who’d assumed, absent any info, that my fiancee would lie about being raped to cover up infidelity.
I can’t tell the sequence of events here. Were they involved before the rape, i.e., before the baby was conceived?
If so, then it looks less like “woman wants baby daddy” and more like “man marries longtime girlfriend.” If that’s the case, then presumably he’s decided that he believes that she was assaulted and was not instead cheating on him. I don’t see that you have any basis to conclude otherwise.
If they were not together before, then it looks like, “man gets involved with single mother.” Certainly, that requires care and caution, but it’s not automatically exploitative.
Ultimately, the question seems to be: Why are you suspicious? Is there something specific that this woman has done that makes you not trust her veracity and motives? Does your friend have a history of being taken advantage of in relationships, or little relationship experience at all?
Can you provide a cite for this? This is roughly 0.02% of all the women in the United States or about 2 out of 10,000 women including the elderly and children. This is staggering. I believe you,no reason not to, but would like to also see where you are getting information.
All you can do at this point is strongly recommend that he not give her any of his premarital assets, or change them into jointly-held assets.
And I would recommend telling him that even though you are concerned that this is the wrong course of action, that he will always be your friend and you won’t judge him. Of course, you will judge him, but if you can maintain a supportive demeanor with him, he will be more likely to seek out your counsel if (when?) he realizes he has made a dreadful mistake.
And then let him go make his own mistakes.
Not sure why it’s worse that she’s American. Some of us American girls are nice.
I can’t comment on Spoons’s friend’s situation specifically. But I will say that things such as he described do happen. My favorite uncle married his wife after she was raped and pregnant with her assailant’s child. He raised my cousin as his own, and they had five more children together before my aunt died. My uncle died a few months later of no apparent cause except a broken heart. You’d never know from the way he treated the cousin in question that they were not actually father and son.
Wouldn’t a large # of these be rapes within marriage or by a person the woman is already in a relationship with (not discounting the “legitimacy” of the rape, just trying to get a clear picture of the numbers)? Any info on the number of pregnancies caused by a forcible rape by a stranger?
Also, that study is 15 years old. Should we assume the numbers have held up over that time?
As to your other point, I’m unclear about the relevance of the point you’re trying to make. Does a rape not count if it was perpetrated by someone you know or are in a relationship with?
Can I ask why your friend took a paternity test at all? I mean, if the woman said she had been raped (and presumably, not raped by your friend), why in the world would he feel the need to take a paternity test?
