Friends, I’m just looking for your opinions. I cannot control what my friend wishes to do. With that understood, then…
My buddy is resident here in Lethbridge, Alberta. (Canada, obviously.) His girlfriend is resident in Portland, Oregon, USA. He is planning on moving to Portland and marrying the girl at some point in 2013.
Problem: She claims that “someone forced himself upon her” earlier this year, and as a result, she recently gave birth to a baby. As far as I can determine, it was a rape. But the woman did not report this sexual assault to the authorities.
My buddy says that’s fine, the baby is his (even though tests prove that it is not), and he will marry the girl and treat the child as his own.
While I applaud the honour of my pal, I have to question the way this was all done. I don’t want to see my buddy screwed because some girl decided she wanted a baby-daddy and my pal is willing to be the patsy.
It’s not my business, so I will not mention anything that is said on these boards to my buddy. But I’m interested in the Dopers’ reactions. Dopers?
It seems… plausible that this could be some sort of plan to get him on the hook for Child Support while she cheats on him and then dumps him in two years to be with RealDaddy. Barring further evidence, though, I’d probably take her at her word.
You mention tests have proven he’s not the father. Then I’m pretty sure he’s not legally obligated to paying child support should they eventually get divorced (if marriage does happen). I’d definitely encourage him to get her to get all the paternity stuff taken care of before marriage. Though, it does seem kind of fishy to me that she didn’t report the rape but then again, it’s not entirely unheard of. He just needs to keep his eyes open and make sure he’s not walking into something bad. They need to both be absolutely sure about this, because I can tell you from personal experience, the process of getting someone into this country legally is a royal pain in the ass and extremely expensive.
Depends on jurisdiction (and I don’t know how the international thing plays into it), I’m sure but that’s definitely not universally true. One thing I’ve learned on this board is that if a person raises a child as if it was their own, regardless of their genetics, for all legal purposes that man is the father.
This is my thought: that she is looking for support from Buddy, though he is (IMHO) in no way responsible. Her word may carry weight, but I am unsure how much.
Note that while I am a Canadian lawyer, I am too close to this matter (i.e. Buddy is my friend) to render an objective opinion. I would welcome the opinions of Legal Dopers; specifically those who can comment on Oregon family law, and/or Alberta law as it may pertain to my pal’s situation.
I’d be very suprised if that’s correct. Once you take on the responsibility of caring for a child, it’s your responsibility untill the child is 18. The fact that he knows it’s not his and takes on this responsibility anyway is not a factor in favor of him stopping support.
IANAL and all that. If he hasn’t done that, and he doesn’t adopt the child, in no meaningful legal way is he treating the child like it’s his. He would just be a step parent. I know there are some weird legal cases where a man has to support a child that is not is, but the only ones I recall involve a legal decision naming that man as father to start with. Family courts routinely require DNA tests now in any dispute.
At least in my state, that’s not true and I’m under the impression it isn’t in most others either.
What you might be confusing it with is that if a child is born to a married couple, the default assumption is that it’s the husband’s. Until the advent of DNA testing, it was nearly impossible to overcome that assumption, but these days it does happen occasionally*. In the OP’s friend’s case, unless he formally adopts the kid, there’s no way he can be on the hook for child support by merely being a father figure to it.
*This usually results in the overturning of the child support order, and sometimes even an order for the mother to refund it(!)
This is what bugs me: there was a crime (sexual assault is a crime under our Criminal Code in Canada), and (to put it plainly) my pal is putting himself on the hook for it. Ultimately, there is no harm no foul on my pal’s part; and he will not run afoul of Canada’s Criminal Code. I am sure that he will not run afoul of Oregon’s criminal statutes either.
But I just don’t want to see my buddy taken advantage of by some American golddigger who sees my pal as a cash-cow. As a Canadian lawyer (and an Albertan to boot), if necessary, (and if he allows me to), I’ll step in and make sure that (for example), he does not sign over all of his Canadian assets to this Oregon girl.
My buddy is a reasonable, rational adult. With all due respect to our American friends, I don’t want to see him taken advantage of by an American girl. Especially since she has already given birth and expects him to take responsibility for a child that she admits is not his.
Like I said, it almost definitely depends on jurisdiction. Off the top of my head, I believe that in California they have something about how if a step parent “takes on the day to day role of parenting the child” then in the event of a divorce they’re the one liable for child support.
As much as the child issue, you have to wonder what he is getting himself into with the relationship.
The idea of “taken advantage of and had a baby”, while I’m sure it does happen, seems a little too pat and I would be willing to give odds that she was cheating on him. That he doesn’t want to admit that to himself (or maybe he does but has forgiven her?) is worrying.
First off, I’m glad you realize that you have no control over other people’s actions/ life altering decisions/ stupid shit. No matter how badly you want to do right by someone it doesn’t mean squat if they’re determined to do wrong by themselves. I might be a happier person if I had figured this out earlier in my life. It’s still hard to watch and I still need reminders to just walk away sometimes.
With that out of the way, there are a couple of important questions I don’t see answered here. How long have they been a couple? If this is some woman he barely knows then I have to agree that this is odd and suspicious. If they’ve known each other for a long time, have a solid relationship and trust each other that’s completely different. Has this always been a long distance relationship? Does she have a history of lying to him or cheating on him? Does she regularly ask him for gifts or money? Did marriage come up before or after he found out she was pregnant?
There’s a lot going on here that we have no clue about. All you can really do is ask your buddy questions that will make him give serious thought to what he’s doing and hope for the best.
An estimated 30,000 women in the US get pregnant as a result of rape every year. Over half decide to continue the pregnancy and raise the child, and more than 80% of them never reported the crime to police. About one third of them didn’t know they were pregnant (or refused to accept it) until well into the third trimester.
There may be even more who cheat on their fiancees and get pregnant every year, but I just wanted to chime in that statistically her story isn’t farfetched at all.
IANAL but one concern your friend might consider other than financial is that the rapist can demand parental rights in almost every state. With no report or investigation on record, the question of rape becomes he said/she said to the court and all they are concerned about is DNA proof of paternity. This could result in some unwanted ex-boyfriend or other acquaintance winding up with a legal right to be part of her life for the next 18 years. It isn’t likely a total stranger would take this action but it is much more common than one might think in cases of rapists who were known to the victim.
In at least one case the victim decided to put the child up for adoption and the rapist not only established parental rights but won custody and was granted child support payments from the victim.
I have no legal background and I’m not even going to address any legal aspects here. I just wanted to say that my first impression is that the guy fancies himself a hero of sorts who will swoop in to help a poor single mother in distress. Maybe I watch too many cheesy movies, but that’s how it feels. Maybe I’m coloring it with stupid thoughts from my youth when I thought it’d be incredibly romantic to meet a young widower with a child whose lives I’d complete by becoming part of their family. (Cut me some slack - I was 26, single, and stupid.)