Today is my 50th birthday.
Unlike my dear twin sister who I’ve never met, baker, I’m not depressed or angry about this birthday – I am, however, totally freaked out by it.
I’m 50. Good lord.
As is usual this time of year, I’ve been real introspective recently. A friend of mine said the other day that everyone gets this way this time of year, but I think I get more so than some, since it’s not only Christmas (with the thoughts that come up of many Christmases past) and New Year’s, but also my sobriety birthday (19 years on the 22nd) and my belly-button birthday as well. So I’ve been taking stock – and overall, I have to say that my life doesn’t suck.
There are islands of suckiness. My financial situation really is the pits, and I’m going to have to move on from a job I love because they just don’t pay me enough, and I’m sick to death of this paycheck to paycheck thing I do. Plus they moved me into a cubicle. It’s time to really seriously look for a new job, and the idea of that scares the hell out of me – but I know it will be okay.
My love life – yikes. Real roller coaster of a year. Fell In Love last spring, and totally got my heart broken, which sucked – but it’s good to rediscover that I have a heart that can be broken, and that I’m capable of being that enchanted with a guy, even if he proved not to be the man of my dreams. I dated a few other men as well, two of whom have already turned out to be good friends, and a third who seems to be headed in that direction. It would be nice to get laid once in a while, but it won’t kill me to not.
And that’s the main thing I’m totally grateful for this year – I have some amazing new friends in my life right now, in addition to some incredibly cool people I’ve known for 20 or 30 years. I’ve been running around having these very untwicksterlike conversations with people: “Thanks for being my friend, it means a lot to have you in my life.” Mutually embarassing, but it needs to be said occasionally.
Because we don’t know how long any of us have. There’s been a lot of illness and death among my friends and extended family this year – not me, thank god and knock on wood, I’m far healthier than I deserve to be. The broken ankle last winter was nothing more than a misadventure.
The final thing I’m real conscious of being grateful for these days is – you guys. This board is truly a community, and though you don’t substitute for my friends and family in real life, you supplement them brilliantly. Help, support, answers, advice, banter – and at least two or three serious laughs a day – this is an amazing place. So – for those of you I chat on IM with (however infrequently) or swap emails with (however sporadically) – or for those whose posts have made me laugh or think (or, more usually, both) – thanks. I’m not going to name any names, because I’d inevitably leave someone out – but if you’re thinking “well, if she HAD named names, mine would be on the list” – absolutely. I do want to give a shout-out to my pals in the Apprentice threads – like a big squabbling family, you’ve really enhanced my enjoyment of that show.
Happy Birthday!
I hope your diet today is just as healthy, and that we live to call each other “twin” for years to come on this board!
hugs