First congratulations on being a good Dad, and raising some great kids.
Second, I hope that the OP was a hypothetical letter. As I can’t see why you would waste your time sending a letter like that. Although your kids have dreams about what they wish their mom was like in their lives, they know the truth…your ex-wife knows the truth. There’s really no use beating a dead horse.
Wow, its rare that an OP sends me into Projectile Crying.
The tears just flew off (not down) my face, landing on my keyboard and monitor.
My son has a bio-dad that disappeared when he was 6 months old. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three years. (My boy is 6) Lately my partner asked if I would re consider having him be my son’s designated guardian if something happened to me. (My parents (in their late sixties) and my brother ( who lives across the country and does not want kids) are currently listed. I think its time to revisit all that. In fact my partner said that if we were to spit up, (not a concern at this time) he would insist on visitation rights. Heck, he taught the boy to pee standing up, if that’s not part and parcel of being “DAD” then I don’t know what is.
He was adopted although his parents had biological children of their own (older and younger than he). His younger brother is raising stepchildren too. I think my “inlaws” are some of the coolest people in the world, as is Pdoul.
Alright. that update of yours won my eyes over.
They’re leaking now.
Good job, sir, and congratulations on your wonderful children.
A friend of mine had the same type of wife - she had one kid already, then had another with my friend. Then ran off with another man 4,000 miles away. She was recently found dead - body not found for days - mental problems, alcohol etc. My friend raised the two kids and they are wonderful, much better off than if poor old nutball had been around. I told him I was sorry to hear the news but all he said was - what’s happened to the four year old she had with the other man who’d already left her at the time of her death. It won’t surprise me if he goes over to England to make sure the kid is ok. It won’t surprise me if he comes back with the child.
Anyway - YOU"VE DONE IT! They’re all off and about living their lives successfully and it’s thanks to your solid support. Good Old Dad.
God bless you Sir.
Throughout this thread, the word “noble” has been used more than once to describe my actions. For some reason, this bothers me. Let me try to explain why.
Picture this -
Your wife leaves you with her 3 kids, aged 13, 11, and 9. You’ve been a fatherly figure in these kids lives since they were all in diapers. You care about their health and mental well-being. What do you do?
I supposed I could have forced their mother to take them. but I can almost guarantee you that I would not be looking at pictures of 3 reasonably well-adjusted, delightful young adults right now had I done that.
My wife was an only child and both her parents where deceased. Their biological father’s whereabouts was (and still is) unknown. There were no “blood relatives” to the kids.
I could have given them up to whatever agency it is that handles this sort of thing. But did I really want the kids who call me “daddy” to grow up in foster care? Not a chance in hell of that.
So I did the only thing I could do. I soldiered on. I never considered doing anything different.
See, at some point I crossed over a line. On one side of that line, I was stepfather to 3 stepchildren. When I crossed that line, I was daddy to 3 children. Exactly when that happened I could not tell you. I can tell you that, once over that line it’s impossible to go back, even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t.
So is it noble to do your absolute best to raise, nurture, and care for 3 children who you love? I would venture to say that most of the human race does that. Does it make me noble to do the very thing that most of the human race would do?
I would like to believe that most men, finding themselves in my situation, would have done exactly the same thing. If that’s not the case, then my faith in the human race has just been dealt a huge hit.
Throughout this thread, the word “noble” has been used more than once to describe my actions. For some reason, this bothers me. Let me try to explain why.
Picture this -
Your wife leaves you with her 3 kids, aged 13, 11, and 9. You’ve been a fatherly figure in these kids lives since they were all in diapers. You care about their health and mental well-being. What do you do?
I supposed I could have forced their mother to take them. but I can almost guarantee you that I would not be looking at pictures of 3 reasonably well-adjusted, delightful young adults right now had I done that.
My wife was an only child and both her parents where deceased. Their biological father’s whereabouts was (and still is) unknown. There were no “blood relatives” to the kids.
I could have given them up to whatever agency it is that handles this sort of thing. But did I really want the kids who call me “daddy” to grow up in foster care? Not a chance in hell of that.
So I did the only thing I could do. I soldiered on. I never considered doing anything different.
See, at some point I crossed over a line. On one side of that line, I was stepfather to 3 stepchildren. When I crossed that line, I was daddy to 3 children. Exactly when that happened I could not tell you. I can tell you that, once over that line it’s impossible to go back, even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t.
So is it noble to do your absolute best to raise, nurture, and care for 3 children who you love? I would venture to say that most of the human race does that. Does it make me noble to do the very thing that most of the human race would do?
I would like to believe that most men, finding themselves in my situation, would have done exactly the same thing. If that’s not the case, then my faith in the human race has just been dealt a huge hit.
Do you believe most men are not noble, then?
I don’t think that doing the same think that most men would have done given the same situation makes me noble. At least I hope most men would have done the same thing.
I believe an act can be noble even if “most men” would have done it.
I think we may have different definitions of the word noble. To me, calling someone noble means that they are beyond exceptional. Someone who goes far, far, far above and beyond what’s reasonably expected.
I don’t think that ensuring the best for children that I love deeply qualifies.
I think I get what you’re saying, Pduol. You did what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, because you were the one there to do it. I also think a significant number of men would actually have turned the children over to an agency rather than raising someone else’s children as a single father, so I commend you for doing the right thing, even though at the time, for you, it seemed like the only real option.
Yes, I believe that raising three children to whom one is not biologically related can be considered noble, as many people would not take on that responsibility. Or would at least look long and hard at ways to alleviate that responsibility.
Some might have hired PIs to hunt down the biological dad and say to him “your kids, your responsibility,” and never looked back. Others might indeed have contacted the local CPS or DHS agencies and arranged for foster care.
You chose to see love, not blood, as the primary bond, and for that, you did a noble thing.
My tears started at “I lost it” in your update.
Well done.
Sounds like you have wonderful children… and you’re a pretty good dad.
ETA: I see you already addressed this.
Your children are very lucky to have you for a daddy.
Those rooms may seem a little empty now, but just you wait until the fun begins: grandchildren! The best of times are yet to come!!!
I do want to say a word about alcoholism and mental illness. I understand the anger at how this mother has allowed something to completely take over her life to the point that she has abandoned her children. I’m not excusing her responsibility.
But alcoholism is a REAL illness. Don’t put quotation marks around “sickness” as if it’s not. That doesn’t help in understanding the truth.
This sickness affects the brain. Since the brain is what the person makes sound judgments with, you really can’t expect the alcoholic brain to do what it should to get itself well. It is literally brain damaged. I really don’t think she is a sociopath. This is alcoholism at its worst.
I can remember one Presidential candidate’s wife who was so addicted to alcohol that she would drink anything that had any alcohol in it – even rubbing alcohol. I do feel desperately sorry for these people. They have no life.
Writing out your anger is a good way to deal with your feelings. But I hope that you don’t mail the letters. The children are old enough to speak for themselves if they choose to. They may be the ones who will need therapy.
Several people have voiced concern over this letter, and if I intend to mail it. This letter was just me venting. The only copy of it exists in this thread.
You’re a great Dad, Pduol.
There has also been comments in other threads about different situations in my life where it has been recommended to attend a 12-step program.
I got online when I got to work this morning and started looking into Al-Anon. I had a brief discussion with an Al-Anon lady on the phone and it sounds promising. There is a meeting tonight in a town not to terribly far from here.
I do have a BIG objection, though. Could someone here that has better knowledge than I do comment on the following?
From my admittedly limited knowledge of 12-step programs, I know that they are religious in nature. How could a person like me, who’s an atheist and fairly adamant about it, benefit from a group where 7 of their 12 steps mention god, higher power, him, and spiritual awakening? And of the five that don’t, most of them have religious overtones. Will they insist that I believe in God?
A “higher power” isn’t about god, necessarily.
There are many Dopers who are members of 12-step programs who can reassure you that “higher power” means something bigger than yourself, not necessarily a deity. I know some atheist 12-steppers who feel that the power of the social support they get in the group is their higher power.
There are also a lot of Dopers who are suspicious of 12-step programs, so they will probably weigh in, too.