Is it ever a good idea to get back with the ex?
I know he wants to, I can feel the tension and our friendly hug and kiss has started to linger a little longer than it needs to. He wants to come into town to ‘see the kids’ more than he used to. He’s a great guy and we have managed to stay close as friends but I’m not sure about stepping back into that fire.
Any advise or stories to share…
Without knowing why you broke up in the first place, I’m likely talking out of turn.
Yes.
Sounds like this guy has a genuine regret over the breakup, and that you have a genuine tenderness toward him. What’s another chance really gonna hurt? If you don’t have a good answer for that, then give the guy a chance. Besides, if problems start cropping up, nothing’s preventing you from leaving.
I have made a mistake in the past, and broke it off with a truly remarkable woman. When I realized my folly, I tried for a year to get her to give me an honest oppourtunity to prove myself. No luck, and now she’s 1500 miles away, not likely to come back. If I would have had that chance, I know she would never have regretted it.
Why did you break up?
Have those things changed?
but you know…
there’s too many fish in the sea
~there’s also sharks in the sea
The breakup wasn’t pretty—We were having a great casual relationship that was also long distance when I got pregnant. We decided to get married (I was in love, I think he was doing the ‘right thing’) and I changed jobs and moved to his town.
After I got there, he decided to finally tell his ex girlfriend (the one he apparently loved) about us because she wanted to get back together. This is not an easy story to tell. Anyway, he told her about us and the baby–she said “I still love you”–he said “I love you too” and I was history. He wanted me to stay in the apartment & he’d take care of everything but I just came home. I left everything there for him to pack up and send back to St. Louis.
I was about 2 1/2 months pregnant.
That was obviously the simplified version…
Here are a few more details:
He’s about 16 years older than me, a huge difference for him and she was his age.
They broke up about a year later—the baby & his attachment to us were too much for her.
He and I remained close even through the tears and pain. My parents hated each other & I never wanted my kids to go through that.
I am going to blunt, but I hope I don’t offend you. Based on your story, I would say not to even think about it. I would even go as far as to say it’s not like you were even really together in the first place.
I have to agree with Caricci. From the OP, your talk about how the “friendly hug and kiss start to linger a little longer than it should” kinda gave me the impression you’re not comfortable with any level of intimacy higher than the friends zone. The fact you have such a thick history with the guy makes the decision tough, but he left you because he was not in love with you. What makes you think that now that his other love has left him, he suddenly has such strong feelings for you. It could be he feels responsible and just wants to “Do the right thing” by getting back together so he can take care of his child, but that’s not really a strong foundation. I don’t know the specifics, but I’m pretty sure lots of marriages that start because of a pregnancy don’t work. You already know this from personal experience, so why would you go through that again?
That’s my biggest dilema… I like being friends! It’s comfortable, we talk, we have fun, we even go on vacation together with the kids & I don’t want to mess it up. I really don’t want to get hurt again. Maybe I should go fishing! 
Here’s my $.02
If neither of you has has a chance to work on your “issues” since the breakup, chances are that the same problems that initiated the first break will be back, with a vengance.
If you really want to get back together and make it work, you have to be willing to confront and correct the stuff that went wrong the first time or you’ll be right back in the same stew.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s stuff to correct. It’s not like this ever was (from what I perceive) a strong relationship that went wrong. MissBHaven, if you like being friends, leave it at that.
One question…why was he sleeping with you when he was in love with his ex-girlfriend? Technically, he wasn’t cheating on her, but that was kind of a lousy thing to do to you. I mean, he obviously didn’t let you know how he felt about her. (If you knew, and were okay with it, that’s another story…) Shows dishonesty on his part. It might, and very likely will, happen again.
Life is way too short to live with that kind of doubt and heartache. Stay friends, let him be a father to your child, but don’t give him your heart to break again.
Someday you’ll find a man who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. And you won’t need to ask strangers on a message board whether or not it’s right, because you’ll know it deep down inside.
Do I get a cheesy post of the day award?
YES and Thank You!
WEll, I am going to have to be a dissenting voice here. Maybe.
MissB, I think that it is possible that he realizes that he made a mistake in breaking up with you due to his inability to let go of his previous relationship. He may now realize that he really wanted you and the children, but was unable to see it because he had this fixed notion about his ex.
If so, and if you deal with this honestly, it may be that you might want to give it a try again. Only if YOU want to, though. Not just because you think you should for the children’s sake. And I imagine you DO know down deep inside what you want to do.
Just a thought.
Scotti
If you’re counting votes, throw me in with Oreo, Caricci, and El Elvis Rojo. His past behavior is a good indicator of his integrity and he doesn’t rate very high on my Integrimeter[sup]tm[/sup]. In addition to what the above posters say, it seems likely to me that he may be taking advantage of the existing relationship to get a new lover without going through the whole dating crap again.
Well at least I’m not the lone dissenter.
In addition to what Scotti said…
There’s a good reason you’re even considering this. You’ve already built a life together sans the physical intimacy. The way I read the story, it sounded as if the guy was being honest, and had even tried to do the right thing. You already enjoy his friendship, that’s important. I’m best freinds with my wife.
I think you guys need to sit and talk it out. Then if both sides agree, take it slowly. Dating and the rest. But you wouldn’t have brought it to us of you didn’t think there was a chance of it working. I say go for it.
My $0.02