A lonely voice crys out from the darkness....

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Is anyone out there? Because if so, I could really use a friend right now.

Short version of the backstory: I am in love with my roommate, who also happens to be a good friend. The feeling is not mutual. And last night, I received confirmation that such will never come to pass.

I feel like I’ve been gut-kicked. I am queasy and shaking now, probably because I haven’t eaten much of anything today.

Today, in an attempt to clear my head and ponder mistakes made and chances missed, I took a trip to San Francisco. Turns out, it was a good day for it, as it was cold and overcast all day - it fit my mood perfectly.

I first went to the ocean side of the peninsula. The Pacific Ocean is aptly named, lemme tell ya. I was truly at peace, for a short time. I managed to lose myself in watching sandpipers and what I think were oystercatchers (though, considering my memory, probably not) frolic in the waves. I had brought my camera, so I took several pictures of the birds running to and fro, probing, fluffing their feathers and so on.

Next, I went to the SF Zoo. While I got a bunch more photos, it didn’t really help my mood any.

So, back to the beach. I found an old concrete…thing, with old, rusted railings, and went up there to sit and think. I had also brought a book about Mesozoic marine reptiles, so I figured the ocean surf would provide a good background noise for my reading. I only managed a couple paragraphs, because I just couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. So, I decided to just stare at the waves. And then I broke down. The site of a 35 year-old man bawling is not a pretty sight, I’m sure. Luckily, no one was around to see it.

I feel as though the weight of the world is upon me. My life has been a regular procession of emotional abuse heaped upon me by parents, grandparents, peers, and so on. I had largely come to terms with all that, but it came flooding back with this latest incident.

My academic studies have focused on geologic time, and the idea that “time heals all wounds” rings true even at that scale. Catastrophes have rearranged the face of the earth, and have wrought destruction time and again on the life upon its surface. Yet, wind, waves, and geological activity eventually erase all evidence, and life rebounds. All the more ironic, then, that my own life, which is not even the merest blink in the scale of time, should be so full of pain, and that the time required to heal that pain seems to take a damn eternity.

It has been asked in these forums on a few occassions at least what Dopers’ thoughts on death were. I view it as a release - an end to torment. This should not be interpreted as me being suicidal - I’m not. I just want this life to be over. I’m done with it, and I didn’t accomplish anything with the time I’ve been given so far. And the prospects for the next 35 years don’t look too inviting.

You know what’s really pathetic? No one has ever told me that they’ve loved me. Not family, not friends, not women to whom I’ve developed an emotional attachment, no-one.

Right now, I feel sad, confused, and alone. I’ve always been the one in my circle of friends to whom others come when they need/want help. But now, I need help, and I feel I have no one to turn to.

I know that it is often said that one must love oneself before others can love you. The problem is, I feel totally unlovable, even by myself. When it comes down to it, I have nothing to offer anyone.

I don’t know what I am expecting of this. Maybe some kinds words of commiseration, maybe a kick in the ass, maybe this thread will sink like a rock.

And yes, I know it’s pathetic to whine to a bunch of unknown people on the internet. But I need to say something to someone.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. And the length.

2

DF, I don’t know you from Adam personally, but your participation in discussions has always been helpful, polite, informative and highly authoritative. Quite frankly, I never really pictured you as someone with relationship problems. I guess I always figured some fellow intellectual traveler coed would snag you early, and shag you often.

I was also been rejected a few years ago when I tried to express a desire to turn a “friend” relationship into something more. The overwhelming feeling (in my case) was a kinda-sorta sinking feeling at the never to be aspect, but more than that was the humiliation. I felt absolutely and abjectly stupid for not realizing (in hindsight) that it was an absurd fancy. Although flirty and endearing, she had never given any kind of real “attracted to you as more than friend” signal, and I realized that I had constructed this situation for maximum unhappiness by not exercising common sense.

In subsequent relationships where the women very much wanted to be “more than friends” the signals were quite unmistakable.

It took a week or so, but I got over it. You will too.

I think you need to focus your prodigious intellect on the main chance. Churches, clubs, bookstores, poetry readings, bars, mixers and dances. Dress well, and be sociable. Ask out Graduate student girls with nothing to do on Friday night. (Invite them on Wednesday or earlier). You will strike out quite often, but bear in mind that (like many things) it’s often a numbers game, and that by working at it you make your own relationship luck.

Good Luck. You’re a winner. You just need the right hookup and this wasn’t it

3

Aw, I don’t like to see anybody in such pain. Just go through it one day at a time. Death may sound good now, but realize that it isn’t really an option, that’s just your sadness talking. You can email me if you want, I’m quite empathetic. I do hope that you’re feeling better soon.

4

::hugs::

Your post made me cry. :frowning:

No one as much intelligence and personality as you will remain alone forever.

5

I’m so sorry that you feel this way.

I’ve been a member for awhile, and I don’t post a lot, but I read… and I’ve learned a lot from threads where you’ve contributed, because of you. you must realize your worth in spreading knowledge to others, and realize that you ARE worthy of love. I am so sorry that your experience in life thus far has not been to affirm this.

but your life is far from over, and you have many experiences ahead of you. however… life does not simply just happen to you. some things do, but someone as intelligent as you surely knows that so much of what happens to us is influenced by where we put ourselves and how we look at things. good things are likely to happen to those who feel good and are happy with themselves… and positive energy is also very attractive. spend time doing things, even find new things, that you enjoy; take your happiness into your own hands and try not to look for another person to fill the void in your life, because people may want to help you feel better, but they don’t want to be the source of your happiness-- that’s a big responsibility to shoulder.

I wish you the best in coming to know your worth, and starting a new pattern for your life.

a good place to start might be a place of your own.

6

Remember this, remember it with all your heart. These small things, they wake you up, make you realize that all is not as bleak as it seems. Please, I ask you to remember and do not give up.

What if someone had been there to see it? Pain is not pretty, but it is real, and everyone feels it. Some will even understand it.

Just one year ago, I felt all of these things that you feel. I did not want to kill myself, but I wanted life to be over. The pain and fear of life was so great, I could not leave my house. And when I did attempt to go to work, I could not let others see me, see how unimportant I was to existence. So I would drive and drive, past all the people at work that could not understand, down to the local beach to watch the sunset, alone, looking for a destination.

I do not know you, but just from what you have written here, I do know that you are lovable. And please, listen to someone who knows, who often fights for every breath that I take. Do not let life kick you in the ass, rather, you kick life in the ass. When you do, the things that have seemed so wrong about who you are, and what you have done, will reveal themselves as what they really are. The steps that took you where you always wanted and needed to be. Your best destination will find you. Believe. I don’t care whether you believe in God, yourself, or in Kippy the Krazy Kavorting Klown. Just believe.

If I have not helped, I hope somebody else here has.

Peace.

7

Darwin’s Finch, based on your personality on the board you are a fine gentleman scholar. I’ve learned a lot from your posts; not just scientific knowledge, but also how to be a good spokesperson for science and learning. You are gentle and helpful in general; you are firm and unyeilding when necessary, and always you are polite and eloquent. You are one of the posters I read eagerly and seek to emulate.

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch, and it breaks my heart to hear that you feel so alone in the world. You have many fine qualities, and the people around you must know that. You say your friends come to you for help; they value you and need you. Don’t be afraid to reach back to them. You’ve taken your time to be alone with your sadness today. Tomorrow, give a friend a call.

8

nevermore and others have said it better than I could, but I wanted you to know that I read your post, and that I’ve always appreciated your contributions and found you intelligent and interesting. I will also add that love isn’t a panacea for depression, which I suspect you might be dealing with. I wish you all the best, truly, and I hope you find a way to some inner peace, and love after.

9

wow!! how touching… I understand taking our pain to the ocean side. Many tears have been carried out with each wave. This path of live is a tough one, and to some very bumpy. I truly believe some of us have more love in our hearts than we can carry. Finding that special someone to share it with can be tough. Some people only want just a little… others can’t get enough… I hope you are one of the lucky ones and find someone who you can share all you have to offer…

10

I can relate to your situation DF, I hope things improve for you. From personal experience, the first thing we forget when depressed is that we don’t always feel that way. I’d also like to add my thanks for your posts here, which I’ve found to be both informative and enjoyable to read.

11

Well, there’s something to this world after all. I am feeling the same way. I don’t know exactly why I signed on, but I did, came straight to MPSIMS and to your post, and now I don’t feel so alone.

I want to say that all the hardships you’ve been through have only provided you with the strength to get through anything, but I don’t really know. I’ve felt parts of myself die so many times that there can’t be much still living, and how can that make a person anything but weak? You seem strong, though.

I’m not trying to extenuate your situation by any means, but maybe you could take a little bit of comfort in the idea that you are getting an education and making a brighter future for yourself than your past. You have something to live for. I’m feeling all that slip away from me. I don’t even have a place to live after today, and I’m scared to death.

For what it’s worth, I love you.

12

I spent all morning writing what I thought might be helpful. Then I decided that it might be better just to say I know how you feel. I mean just about everything you’ve written, at least once in my life, I have felt. I wish I could write something better than that.

13

Darwin’s Finch focus on the facts that you are just as good as anyone else, and you have a place and a purpose somewhere. What you describe, IMO is feelings of depression. Maybe it is time (if you haven’t already) to gird yourself for battle, and seek help to do so? If you can find a compassionate counselor, and maybe medicines, in time you will learn to accept that there are good things about yourself. Right now, your sadness is clouding your vision, so you cannot see these things. If you already have a counselor, and/or are taking medication, then don’t give up hope, keep striving to learn to accept your worth.

I wish I were there, to look you in the eyes, and tell you that this WILL pass. Life is worth it, and there are things yet for you to discover. Think of all the things you have yet to learn about, or see for example. I’m 32, and not that long ago, (the dissoloution of my first marriage haunts me still at times, though it was years ago and I’m starting completely fresh, as though I were a college student) I felt much as you do now.

It’s an insidious creeping rot that infects you, blinding you to the lighter side of things. As seductive as it’s dark melody, and as “true” as the images it paints seem, this depression of yours is not something to cling to, not something you need. Purge it from your system, and start fresh. Yes, it hurts, a lot, because you’re “coming to life” again. Living hurts at times, but it is worth it.

I don’t think I can articulate why exactly, except to say that the times of joy and discovery outshine the painful learning times. Learn to live, and cling to life. I’ll use an analogy to try to get my thoughts across to you: Back away from the brink, (of not wanting to live) or claw your way up, (from the pit of despair) scramble to the edge, (of new life) turn your back,( on despair) and take one step away from the depths of despair. That is the hardest part, but it is possible to do. Just resolve to stay one step away from that edge for now. If you can manage to get a little bit up from such depths you’ll find you can think more clearly, and take more proactive steps. Later you’ll be able to step out into life more.

For now, you have to learn to accept that you are worth just as much as anyone else, even with your personal flaws. Everyone is flawed in some way. Flaws don’t make a person ugly, they make them different, that is all. I don’t think you’ve learned to accept that you aren’t “normal”, you don’t fit what is “expected” of people your age. You only see how others fit the “normal” mold, and not how they don’t. No one is completely “normal”, but some are better at putting up a facade for social reasons.

These words may sting, but they aren’t meant with malice. They are meant to help you accept what is actually true, they are meant with genuine concern and care, a form of love if you will. That you have worth, that you can be loved, that you can live and do well if you are willing to learn to be comfortable with yourself. Keep working at it, it takes time to learn this once you’ve fallen so far into hopelessness. The sting of the statements in the previous paragraph will fade, as you reconcile the truth in all of them.

You yourself said what was needed in order to find what you want out of life. Go do it! You can do it, and it is not disgraceful to go get help to learn to do this. It doesn’t mean you are weak, or despicable, just that you are in need of help. Everyone needs help of some kind at at least one point in their lives, whether it’s advice from Dear Abby, or long term counseling.

I think that your post was a cry for help, for understanding. I understand, I’ve been there. Go, learn to like yourself, and appreciate your worth. As you go about doing this, you’ll be able to deal with other things bit by bit. When you can begin to accept your worth, living won’t be as much of a burden, and you’ll have less stress, and more contentment. You may even have more moments of joy, like you did at the beach. That was a quiet joy, and proof that you yet live, and can revive yourself. Seek out more moments like that in the times ahead, to bolster your strength and hope.

I’m sending good energy your way, and some spare hope I have to you. Keep hope, don’t discard it. You can get out of this, I believe you can. If I were there, I’d hug you if you’d allow it, and try to help you hope. Don’t give up, I think that you haven’t completely, and that you’ll find you have “wells of strength and hope” that you never knew about. Think of this battle against depression, as a challenge, a journey of discovery, and it won’t be such a chore, it will be more positive and beneficial. I sincerely hope you pull out of this, and wish you well.

14

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Deep down, I know things won’t always be this way, but sometimes it’s difficult for that to overcome the feelings in the here and now (wherein neither relief nor release is in sight).

Maybe Neitzsche was right: “That which does not kill you makes you stronger.” I’ve been through a lot in my life, and haven’t succumbed yet, so I guess that’s something. I certainly don’t feel very strong right now, though.

I hope that the situations of those who are experiencing similar feelings of despair improve, also. Especially MRirian.

Oh…those birds I thought might be oysetrcatchers, weren’t…they were sanderlings.

15

Please look on the positive, you’ve got lots of time left to do something with your life,f or yourself.

Take stock of yourself - volunteer at something: there are always people looking for help: homeless shelters; habitat for humanity; your local Lions Club, anything.

It’s always easy to look back and see all the things people HAVEN’t done with/for you, however look at what’s been done FOR you…your roommate for letting you know before you made a mistake; the ocean for being there and being so comforting; being given this situtation to make you stronger and make you take a look at yourself to see what you can do better - not to make people love you but to make YOU love you.

Yes, you’re right - this that does not kill you, WILL make you stronger!

Cheers and a big hug,

16

To my friend Darwin:

My heart breaks for the pain you are feeling.

For immediate relief try this; Breathe.

No, not like that, like this:

A deep breath, that comes in slowly, and fully expands your rib cage.
A rush of air so large it makes your tummy swell out. As you take in this breath, turn your thoughts, with both focus and intention, to every other human being, since time began, who has suffered just this same aching agony that you now feel. Not just them, also all of the creatures who haven’t yet, but will in their time, also know this pain.

Now hold that breath in for maybe two or three seconds.

As you expell this breath, again with focus, concentrate on generating compassion and healing for all those suffering.

If you will try this for 10 times, you will surely feel some release. This works for me really well, and many people I have recommended it to have thanked me later, so please consider giving a try from time to time. I hope it helps.

There are two other things that I would like to share with you after reading your post.

My heart broke to read that no one had ever said, I love you, to you. And it became clear you don’t feel you are worthy or deserving. What’s left to accomplish if this is kept eternallly out of reach? I just want to remind you that the universe takes it’s lead from you. No matter what sort of shell you present to the world, no matter whom you convince otherwise, if you deem yourself unworthy so the universe shall treat you. Again and again. When you can find worth in yourself so might others. When you feel love for yourself so others might feel love for you. Sounds good, huh? It’s not easy, I assure you, it’s one of life’s most challenging roads.

I am not brave by nature, going to the dentist keeps me up at night. But I do know about bravery, as does every person who was ever been beaten down by life. Defeated, dejected, a broken shell, thinking it might be easier to just lie down. I know you feel very alone right now, but you are really tied to us all by the common experience of looking inside for the strength to get up off your knees. Every human being knows this struggle. You do not struggle alone.

Because you are our brother, and we are your community.

I wish you strength and peace.

17

DF, I too have always loved reading your posts, and have always noticed you because you are a fellow bird lover.

I have felt similarly before and I know how excruciating it is. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am also concerned about how you’re going to feel at home now, considering this person is your roommate.

18

I don’t have very much to add, because others have said most of what can be said already, but try to savour your feelings now. It sounds kind of weird and un-intuitive, but these sad feelings that you’re having right now are proof that you’re alive. Breathe them in, feel them to their roots, don’t push them away and deny them - just sit with them. This is the way you feel right now, and it’s okay. Sad feelings are just as legitimate as happy feelings. Our society has been conditioned to think of them as bad, but they’re not - they are what they are.

You say you have nothing to offer anyone, but I think you know deep down that that’s just not true. You’re just feeling a little sorry for yourself. Have a nice wallow, then pick yourself up, shake yourself off, and get on with your life.

19

Darwin’s Finch, I realize I don’t really know you, and I doubt you even recognize my pseudonym, but you started something that made a difference in my life.

I love your posts. A few years back you started a thread on cladistics that I found fascinating. That thread is the reason I started paying attention to the various message boards here. I still occasionally search for your pseudonym, just so I can read what you have to say. In fact, your name is the only thing that draws me into the Great Debates. I wouldn’t think it would be possible to change someone’s mind on evolution, for example, but you seem to do it. I attempt to use your points in conversations with my more conservative coworkers, but I never seem to be as persuasive as you.

At any rate, my own marriage hit a rough patch shortly after your cladistics thread. My family is not abusive, but affirming statements don’t come easy for them, nor to my wife. I realized that I had gone more than 10 years without an actual compliment. (My male friends were more nurturing than my wife!) Some posters here, partly through emails, made a real difference for me. In my case, it was mostly a matter of benign neglect as my wife and family perceive me as the one that quietly goes it alone and doesn’t need support, but like everyone else, I did and do, and people here helped me to get it.

I don’t know your issues, and I certainly don’t know if you suffer from depression or not, but I’d love to help. I can provide an email address if you’d like, or maybe help in some other way. Just let me know.

20

DF, I can SO relate to how you are feeling now. But what featherlou said is so very true. Just hold on for a bit and you will feel better. I think we can all see that you have a LOT to offer. Hoping for happier times for you soon…