A misanthropic malcontents medley of minor moans.

Gah! So pissed off! Maybe it’s because I’ve just quit smoking (3 days clean. Recognise!) but EVERYTHING is pissing me off today. Even this keyboard. It’s fucking sticky! It’s also just far enough in the corner (I’m in a net cafe btw) and hidden from view that I can’t quite dispel the paranoid fear that it’s sticky because some pervy WoW fanatic was saying hi to Mr Happy when no-one was looking!
Boots! Fucking Boots pisses me off. For all those unacquainted with the company, Boots are a chain of chemists that sell a comprehensive range of pharmaceuticals but are staffed entirely by incompetent, (probably incontinent) old women (emphasis OLD) who move at about 0.00008 miles per hour. This isn’t a generalization. It’s true of every single Boots I’ve ever been in. Maybe during basic training they get implanted with miniature bombs that’ll go off if they move faster than the continental plat e they’re standing on. I was in a Boots earlier. Know how long I was queuing? Fifteen minutes. Know how many customers were in the queue?

including me.

Now is it just me or is that just fucking unacceptable? None of the people in front of me had complicated problems which needed sorting out. I know. I was paying attention. It was just that the daft old bitch serving them was moving so slowly she was in danger of being overtaken by the rising damp. I swear, if there’d been a 3 toed sloth watching the “action” he would have said "Man, that bitch is slow! I mean, I’m a sloth, I know slow. But she’s frickin’ slow!" And I’d be like “Holy fuck! Talking monkey! Quick Boots lady! Catch it before it gets away!” but she wouldn’t get it, because she’s so damn SLOW!.

This netcafe is also too fucking hot. It’s like a sauna in here, dammit! I don’t want to speak to the owner about it because he’s one of those slightly weird guys who’ll start telling you his life history at the drop of a bead of sweat. So I’ll just put up with it. Fucking shit, though.

Know what else? Divisive political wedge issues. Here’s a couple of newsflashes for the fucking idiots.

Lefties: Any and all attempts to impose any sort of gun control only serve to make you more unelectable as a bloc. LEAVE THE GUNS ALONE!

Righties: The left will NEVER yield any ground on abortion. Barring a vast cultural sea change (which, by the way, just ain’t gonna happen), any and all moves to restrict abortion will only serve to further divide the country. Get this into your thick heads. Just as many lefties are prepared to kill and die to protect the right to safe and legal abortion as there are Righties prepared to do the same to protect the Second Amendment. Jettison your fuckheads for Jesus contingent and get with the fucking program.
And that pisses me off too. Fucking American Jesus freaks. I hadn’t intended this to be in the least bit political but I just thought about Pat Robertson, and if Pat Robertson’s fat, doughy face so happens to flit infront of my minds eye for even a quintillionth of a fraction of a second then I become posessed by pure hate for several days.

This is a guy who told his followers to throw away their medication and trust their lives to the healing power of Jesus (which is, of course, only available through him at a profit) but who scurried away to secular doctors the moment he developed cancer himself. Fuck him. Although people who throw away their insulin and cease chemotherapy treatments because they believe Dr Jesus, at the behest of Pat Robertson, has taken time out of his busy schedule of doing nothing in particular to cure their ailments via the television deserve whatever they get, this doesn’t make Pat Robertson any less of a mendacious cunt.

And so many people believe in his wacky end of times Christo-Fascist death cult, too. America is the most technologically advanced nation in the world but it’s filled with fucking zealots! How does that work? Take a break from building stealth bombers and pump some money into education! When 45% of American’s believe in some form of Young Earth Creationism, you just know something, somewhere, is well and truly fucked up.

Why can’t you people shut these fundie fuckheads the fuck up? Evolution is a scientific fact, isn’t it? I mean, do it for your own good. As a foreigner, it’s annoying enough to know that your President has to cater to these retards, it must be absolute fucking murder for you guys to deal with it, day in and day out.

And all this fucking bullshit about how Christianity is being repressed because fundie, fruitandnutcase, lobotomised, lockstepping, godboggled sheep can’t sit down and say fucking mass on the taxpayers nickle. MAN, that fucks me right off! I’ve been to America and you can’t throw a rock in any direction anywhere on the entire continent without hitting a fucking Church! And I’ve tried! Millions of cars have bumper stickers praising God and excoriating everyone who don’t. People have God books, God T-Shirts, God Wallpaper, Christian PHONE COMPANIES who make their bucks convincing the terminally stupid that a sanctified subscription is the only way from keeping the QUEERE MENACE from infecting their souls through the phonelines and forcing them into deviant coke fuelled buttsex orgies with Bill Clinton, that purple Teletubby, and Ward Fucking Churchill. Still, these same people have no problem fucking the corpse of Ronald Reagan so perhaps they’re more open to experimentation than I first thought.

People kill for God, people sacrifice their fucking CHILDREN to God. How fucking marginalised can Christianity be while all this shit is going on? Fuck off!

I really fucking hate fundamentalism. But I must say, the Muslim fundies piss me off even more than the Christian one’s. The Christian one’s do go apeshit from time to time, and are always really fucking pious and annoying, but at least they don’t make a day job of blowing shit up. I don’t believe in the existence of their God but their actions make me hope he exists 'cos if he’s a Just God he’ll send them to Hell, but if he’s even half the cunt he’d have to be to condone their actions, he’ll still send them to hell because he’s such a bastard.

Fuck it. I have a load more shit to rant about, but I’m getting tired, and I’m sure most of you got bored and left ages ago and that the only one’s still reading are just trying to prove their own tenacity. I’m also starting, to use, comma’s like, Scott, Plaid and when that happens you just know it’s time to, stop.

Laters.
P.S. - The first person to come in here to tell me to ‘put down the crack pipe’ or any other snide variation of that pithy sentiment will get my boot straight up their ass.

Best. Rant. EVER.

Welcome to the boards, **George[/g]. Hope you stick around.

Moving, man.

Gah - nice coding. What the hell is [/ g] ?

Hah, that was hilarious. I had to fake a coughing fit to avoid bursting out laughing here in my office.

I may not agree with everything you say, but man that rant had one crazy beat. However:

Where in the US did you visit? It’s not all Jesusland.

This is just fantastic. Very well done.

Just quit smoking, you say?

I couldn’t tell.

Congratulations on quitting smoking. Good luck making it in the long haul.

Bad paraphrase of Jon Stewart: Gee, yeah, you guys have only been in charge since . . . Constantine. I dream of a day when American can have an openly Christian president. Or . . . 43 of them.

This was truly a rant of beauty.

Great, great rant. Uh, could you pass the crack pipe, slice?

Smoking’s loss is the BBQ Pit’s gain. Wait, does that even make sense? Anyway, glad to read you. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Yeah, I liked that part best. Nice to meet you, George Kaplin.

Bravo! Worth opening the thread just for that.

You have a distinguished future ahead of you here. Welcome!

What was the prescription you were filling in Boots?
Because I hope you’ve managed to get some of it down your neck, by this stage!!

This part here is a thing of beauty:

Note - I’m not a Muslim basher. The evil bastard bomber terrorists in question were just that - evil bastard bomber terrorists. Muslims are just fine by me.
Evil bastard terrorist bombers, on the other hand, are not.

Kaplan? My name is Thornhill — Roger Thornhill — and it’s never been anything else. Unless you gentlemen turn out to be interested in advertising something, this pit rant is going to turn out to be an enormous bust for all concerned.

Color me confused.

That bit about the sloth - did anyone else hear the voice of Mitch Hedburg just there? Genius, man. Genius.

And the winner of the Most Nonsequitors in a Single Post goes to…

drumroll

Ino! Er, Roger! Er, Kapl…

Yeah. You guys.

True, it’s still MC, USA out in the boot-wearing. gun-totin’ plains.