“Well…OK, then. Do you have any grapes?”
“Oh, about 3 or 4 pounds.”
“Holy crap! A talking muffin!”
The penguin blushed and said, “Oh, no. This is just ice cream.”
“Strictly speaking, I shouldn’t even be doing THIS!”
…and then they realized that the Czech was in the male.
“You know, Superman? You’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
“Okay, not gonna lie. Thursdays are gonna be kind of rough for you.”
“And then … and frankly, I don’t even know what I was thinking … I asked for an orange for a head.”
“Okay, pard … I’ll give it to you straight. Doc says you gonna die.”
“Death! DEATH! Death by oonga-boonga!”
“Oh, dat one was hard! But we finally figgered out what dey meant when dey wrote ‘A nervous titter ran tru de courtroom.’”
“Mais non, mon Colonel! Ze men simply saddle ze camel and ride to ze brothel on ze ozzer side of ze oasis.”
“You wanna hold this camel still for me?”
“No, not if you hold your fingers right.”
“I liked it fine, but look what it did to my clam-digger!”
“Because his wife died.”
“She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.”
“Wow…you really are a mean drunk, Superman”
“Oy, you talk to him! He wants to be a soccer player!”
“So, you went straight from the Reed oculist to the sub, Lime?”
“Aren’t you a little bit old to be believing in witches?”
“You know, mom…sometimes you really piss me off!”
“Yeah but somehow I ended up back in Kenny Rogers’s beard”
“If you find my car keys, we can drive out.”
“Get lots while you’re young.”
“Sociological studies show that most of them are sucked into it.”
“Oh, no! Not another breathalyzer test!”
“Sometimes I have to pick the scabs and let the pus run a little.”
“You just ride it on out, soldier!”
“Ditto.”
“You stupid horse, I said POSSE!”
“They’re not falling for that trick again!”
“To teach their kids how to walk.”
“Ze prisoners in Barracks A vill change underwear mit ze prisoners in Barracks B.”
“A scout comes home from camp.”
“IHOP.”
“Message received but garbled. Have managed to persuade two local girls, but what the hell is a panoe?”
“A three-ring circus is a collection of cunning stunts.”
“A Pygmy village is a bunch of cunning runts.”
“A pickpocket snatches watches.”
(Haven’t seen another punch line thread, so sorry if any of these are repeats.)
“Fuck off, pig, I’m talking to my sheep.”
“If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need batteries for this!”
“Of course you can! Look at him; he’s afraid to cough!”
“Nah,” he says, “Just give me that 12 inch cocksucker up there.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
“Well, here at the government, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.”
“Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
God sighed and said, “Lemme see that fucking map again.”
Bob.
Matt.
Russell.
Cliff.
Art.
Eileen.
Irene (sorry, a bit racist).
“Man, if I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need no talcum powder!”
“Oh, yeah: I sold your Thermos for $200.”
“You see that, sir? And I’m just the doorman!”
“Ah, I see you’ve noticed my little white dot. You wanna fuck?”
“Well, normally I wouldn’t … but you just talked me into it.”
“Bloody hell! I’m not shearin’ this with anybody!”
“Skip.”
“Stew.”
“A ‘burrito.’”
“There was a face off on the ice.”
“There was a hand off in the end zone.”
“He left his foot on the gas.”
“A pig in a blanket.”
“The label said CONCENTRATE.”
“Having a wonderful time. Where am I?”
“There’s Wite-out on the screen.”
“Because blond guys are dumb too.”
“They’re smooth and creamy and easy to spread.”
“Ejection seats for helicopters.”
“He’s from Michigan, not Wisconsin.”
“A brunette.”