“I freed the what?!?”
“Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
“Take him ‘draggies.’”
“That’s okay. He can be the football!”
“That’s okay. He can be first base!”
“That’s okay. We can watch him flop around on the hot tar!”
“Superman. Now gimme my piece of candy!”
“A GREAT BIG FUCKING RAT WITH A COCK THIS LONG!”
“Fuck! I didn’t wanna be in this goddamned play anyway!”
Surprise, surprise!! That ain’t my finger neither.
Men! Bring me my brown pants!
“Very good. Now take my daughter to the airport.”
“He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.”
“Vito.”
No! It’s just some frost on my top lip…
Same as everyone else: wash it and bring it back.
Tanketty-tank! Tanketty-tank!
Police reckon he topped himself.
“He’s a husky fucker!”
God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.
“Cut the rope”
“Union Carbide”
“Because she had no arms”
“Because of the mace”
“A homesick abortion”
“No, but that’s a real nice ski mask”
“Ooo, you’re not gonna like Thursdays.”
“When the air conditioner breaks.”
“Over the checkbook.”
“Facing Bloomingdale’s.”
“Simultaneous headaches.”
“She had a headache with the mailman.”
“A toilet doesn’t have droopy boobs.”
“A toilet doesn’t follow you around when you’re done with it.”
“With a little whine and cheese.”
“I wanna go to Miami!”
And the Irishman thinks, “I can’t wait for the next tunnel”.
“Just one, so long as there’s plenty of oil and he’s reeeal careful!”
“Five. One to do it, and four to write about the experience.”
“ONE, DAMMIT!”
“What’s a lightbulb, and how do you screw it in?”
“Moooo!”
“Hey! This one looks like yours!”
“Toss down my gap wedge. You can’t get out of here with a nine iron.”
“Look: You gonna play golf, or do you wanna just fuck around all day?”
“What are you pissed off for? I told you: Only if it rains!”
“Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”
“And whatever God wants, he keeps!”
“That sheep’s a liar!”
“Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
The first time he tried it he got sick, and the second time his hat blew off.
Okay, now the big guns are coming out: Little Johnnie
“I know! I know!! It’s a horny bastard!”
“Ahem… Winnie the Shit”
“And if any of you fuckers want to know why this train is twenty minutes late, go and ask the cunt in the kitchen”
“Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”
The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.
“…and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “FUCK OFF!”, the dog ate him!”
“It’s a puppy!”
“Well, it’s a fucking good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!”
“Jesus Christ! You’re feeding me asshole?!?”
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
“A jack.”
“NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
“What’re ya gonna do, fuck him?”
“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful,…just fucking beautiful!’”
“I ain’t got enough shit for that.”
“then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
“What the fuck do you think?”
“But do me a favour and flip her over, Daddy. I’d rather have a puppy.”
" My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so fucking big, she can only fasten eight."
“The color doesn’t tell you, the black ones had dicks.”
“Fucking homework and tests!”
“No Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blow-job.”
“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”
“No, he minded his own fucking business!”
“Well, one’s thing’s for sure, I don’t want the fucking corn flakes.”
“Stay the blazes home” - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
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