The last time I checked, the ratio of gals to guys was 3 to 1. That means 3 girls for every guy! Now, you got to consider certain factors here in the availability. Firstly; eliminate all married girls. Not only can fooling with them cause you all sorts of frustration but hubby might find out-they occasionally have this tendency to TELL HIM to HURT HIM to see how much HE LOVES THEM - and hubby might get mildly irritated. If he is a big guy he might drop in to say hello and rearrange your bones just a tad.
Eliminate the lesbian factor. From what seems to be in the news media these days, 1/2 of all girls are lesbians. Don’t believe it. Still, it is best to check and see if any interesting girl you encounter has a long prison history and hangs with other chicks who tend to dress and act like men.
Then you have to consider the Ping-Pong factor. These are chicks who broke up with long term lovers and cling to you like a second coat of paint - but spend most of their time talking about the ex (even when humping you thoroughly). You will always be ‘so nice’ and comments like ‘why hasn’t any girl snatched you up before’ will be heard, especially when she gets a little tipsy. Shortly after, she will start seeing the ex again, leaving you to stew. Then, she will dump him and start seeing you because ‘you’re so special’. Eventually, she will be seeing both of you behind each others back. This is a situation to avoid.
Then there is the flake factor. Girls who have been with guys who seem to take great delight in abusing them until they get nuts. By the time you come along, you have a real case on your hands. Usually what happens here is that you’ll patiently spend months, weeks, perhaps years repairing the damage done to them by other guys and they will appreciate it ‘sooooo much’ and ‘love you dearly for standing by them.’ Eventually, just when it looks like you have managed to heal all of the wounds, they’ll dump you and jump at some other guy. Usually one who is much different from yourself and somewhat similar to their previous abusive boyfriends.
Did I mention the kid factor? Watch out for that. Young single mom’s have this determined, genetic drive to find some guy to be a father to her pups after the original one leaves. Some of these girls can come on so intensely that they could arouse a corpse! They’ll go straight for your ego by way of your sex drive and hump blisters onto your stiffy. Plus they’ll dress alternately like a temptress and a casual cutie. (Remember Audry Hepburn? She always looked cute even when painting a room. You think that was unplanned?) Once you are hooked, suddenly the kids start making more and more of an appearance and if they don’t get along with you, hell will seem like a quiet place in comparison. If they do and you get landed, suddenly all of the glamor and seductiveness of the Mom drops away. Silken panties get replaced by cotton. The stunning hair turns into a frizzy mass held in place by rubber bands and sex becomes something to do and get over or gets interrupted by nosy kids.
By the time you manage to get through all of these factors, the 3 to 1 ratio drops off considerably and gets worse the older you get. It would be nice if there was a good, cheap computer dating service out there – requiring current pictures of the applicants – that one could use. (Nothing worse than paying $20 to enroll, finding a great listing for some girl who describes herself as loving, petite, young at heart, cuddly and seductive and when you actually meet her discover she outweighs you by 100 pounds, has the face of a Mack truck driver and works as a bouncer in a local bar.)
It is not easy out there for a single guy these days. (Well, at least for some. I know these guys who seem to attract girls like a magnet attracts iron filings. They never share or if they do, the chick sneers at you and runs.)Now, personally, I don’t look like Harrison Ford. I don’t consider myself handsome nor ugly but at least dogs don’t howl and slink away when I walk by. I’ve come across many a great looking guy who has more chicks than he needs and dumps them like a dog sheds fleas. If you happen to get one such girl on the rebound, be careful.
The initial sex might be GREAT, because she wants to punish HIM. The comes the long period where you have to assure her that she’s a great gal and HE is the looser and scumbag. You’ll find out what she wished that HE would do but did not, and you will. Little cards, letters, flowers, small gifts, chicken soup when the girl is ill, Teddy Bears, Silly String fights, showing her how to eat King Crab legs and hours of back rubs or tickling her back lightly with a feather until she drops off into a pleasant, smiling sleep.(You’ll be lucky if she’ll rub your back for 4 minutes without complaining about how bored she is.)
After a period of time, weeks, or months, suddenly the great sex will drop to OK sex. Then, if you’re in the habit of going to a motel from time to time with her as a treat, she’ll start musing aloud about going there and ‘just talking, watching TV and cuddling.’ When that happens, check her purse for receipt’s of motels she might have paid for with another guy. Shortly after, she’ll start being busy and not seeing you very often or just wanting to stay home THAT weekend. Start looking for a strange car to show up around her place. (They can get guys to hide those things up to a block away - IN a construction lot - IN a mass of weeds or IN some all night store parking lot!) Eventually, you’ll discover HIM, some guy she met who is just ‘sooooo nice’ or just ‘a friend,’ but he’ll look better than you. Pull the plug and hang it up. She’s gone.
Nice guys, a friend once told me, finish last and I’ve begun to believe it. It seems that us nice guys are here to catch and patch up the battered chicks so they can go back out there and find someone else.
Nice guys can get into a fight over a chick with the ex-boyfriend and get their butts beaten and the chick will drag them concernedly from the fight, while screaming vulgarities at the ex. Later, while nursing the nice guys bruises - which he is determinedly acting like they hurt more than they do but doing a poor job of hiding it so he will appear manly and brave to the chick - she will appear distracted while cooing over him and helping him clean up.
Afterwards, she may boff him thoroughly in the sack, but after that, be thoughtful and distracted. Shortly after she will begin seeing the ex - ‘just as a friend’ and because she ‘knew him for so long’ or ‘he’s like a brother to her.’ Take your bruises and go home because she’s going back to him because he ‘fought for her.’ You did also, but that didn’t count.
Understand?
Neither do I, but it happens – a lot.
Mark
“Think of it as Evolution in action.”
