Went on a date about three weeks ago. It really, really sucked. She had silvery hair - which was meant to be a turn on - only it looked like foil wrapped around her head like a scarf (“Scarfhead”). I figure screw it, she’s probably nice. No luck there -she swore at some disabled kid walking across the road 'cause he was too slow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not Jesus, but I figured he deserved maybe a li’l more patience than that. Maybe I’m too soft.
But it just goes to show that I can never trust my friends whenever they set me up on these dates. So that’s one option out the window. Where does that now leave me?
Do you ever get the feeling you’re just one of those people who seem so screwed up that they’re bound to be single - dare I use the word forever ?
I mean, I’m a young guy for God’s sake. I should be thinking of boning some girls brains out on the streets (preferably not in traffic). So why doesn’t the thought make me feel any better? We’re biologically hard-wired to screw around right? So how come all I wanna do is hold someone real close, kiss them and be kissed, and be told they’ll never let me go? The very thought itself would make me feel queerish (not gay, but just kinda wierd) and two years ago, all I had in mind was a little time, Vegas and the nightlight girls.
Why are things so different now? I must be the only guy in the world who goes out everyday wanting to meet someone special. Truth be told, I’ve never really screwed around. I’ve only had really long-lasting relationships. After the last one tanked (details aren’t necessary - let’s just say that it was definately mutual hatred) I went on this phase of “I wanna screw everything in the world”. I couldn’t imagine myself ever wanting somebody as bad as I do right now.
It’s not really desperation - b/c I really have (at least according to someone else) mountains of time left. But I don’t wanna wait. Is that wierd or what? How do the single old-timers on this board feel about it? Do you feel time has run it’s little course? Do you ever give up?
Do any of you stop hoping? And does it ever all feel like it’s catching up with you - this feeling of not finding the one you want?
I don’t want this to go into the pit - cause it’s not an insult - nor really a rant. I just need to clear my thoughts. And write on this page. Thanks.
–Xavier
Welcome to my world. I know you did’nt ask for all this in the OP, but here it goes:
You seem like a nice guy, and that’s your problem. Nice guys are usually attracted to nice girls, only problem is that nice girls are’nt attracted to nice guys. 99.9% of the nice girls out there want a bad boy. It’s true, maybe not in asia or africa, but here in america, it’s true. The only time you’ll see a nice girl go for a nice guy is when that nice girl has been emotionally battered and bruised by the bad boy. I’ve seen it a million times. Of course, by then, the nice girl is so bitter about what that bad boy did to her that she’s no longer so nice, or she withholds alot of affection.
I used to be like you, longing for companionship, not just succombing to the baser pleasures of life. I used to put the object of my affections on a pedistal, until I found out, it does’nt work. Hate to say it, but indifference is your greatest tool when it comes to dealing with women. Act like you don’t care and they’ll love you all the more for it. I’m not saying to be criminally negligent here, but just don’t let her know you care as much as you really do.
Amazingly it worked for me, I’ve actually started dating some nice girls. The key is to let her know you exist, while making her long for you to know she exists.
Of course, my standard disclaimer, this does’nt apply to every woman, certainly not one that’s reading this now. Just use it as a guide so you won’t be confused the next time something happens to you.
I feel like every time there’s a thread like this, I need to come in and say that it isn’t true. The are indeed many many many nice girls who want nice guys.
The problem with many - not all - self-proclaimed nice guys is that they come off as whiners. “Why aren’t women attracted to me, etc” - even if they don’t verbalize it, it can come through non-verbally as desperation. And if you say around the women that women don’t like “nice guys”, it’s a serious turnoff, because all women have heard the “women really want a bad guy who messes with them” theory before. Sure, some women do fall for that, and they need to get past that.
As for advice for the OP: Find some female friends and ask for tips on what they think you can do to improve. When you go out, don’t think about being lonely and wanting to find that “someone” - that may be sensed by your date and interpreted as desperation. Look for a friend that happens to be female and might turn into a romantic interest. After all, good long-lasting relationships have a strong friendship at their base, so that’s the kind of thing you need to develop. Make female friends and maybe with one, sparks will start to fly.
I think the problem is that some guys mistake “being a nice guy” for “being a doormat”. To attract women, in my experience, you don’t have to be a jerk, but you do have to play it cool. Many women want someone who comes across as confident enough in themselves that if a particular woman is not interested or available, it’s not that big a deal, because they know they’re good enough to find someone else. Very similar strategy to what Thomas said, although different pop psychology. Once you’ve started dating someone, you can sweep them off their feet and pamper them. Don’t try to act like that from the very beginning, or you’ll come on too strong. Play it cool!
As for the OP, you’ll be fine. Just keep dating – you’ll accumulate excellent stories for later in life, have some great sex, have some bad sex, and then just happen to meet the most perfect person you’ve ever imagined through sheer random luck. You can’t force it, you just have to be patient. It sucks, but it’s true.
[hijack about “niceness”]I think the problem here is that people use the word “nice” when they mean “lacking in self-esteem to the point that you don’t feel you have the right to expect your needs be met” (that may be a little long-winded, but it’s what I mean). The problem with the “nice” guys and girls who end up with self-centered people who use and discard them is usually just that they’re willing to put up with that kind of treatment. If you don’t think you deserve any better, it’s rare that anyone will offer any better.[/hijack about “niceness”]
You don’t say how young you are, but it kind of sounds like you already have the attitude that each date is an all-or-nothing affair, a desperate attempt to bond with the one immediately. It doesn’t usually work that way. Try to relax (harder to do than to say, I know) and take all the opportunities you can to meet people you’re likely to get along with. Do things you enjoy with groups of people whenever you can, and sooner or later you may run across one who’s compatible.
Okay, I’m not single, and I don’t really know how I’d cope (at my advanced age and in my circumstances, I might just heave a sigh of relief and settle into single old age, but who knows). But if you’re wondering whether you have any chance at finding someone with whom you might form a lasting relationship, maybe you should be asking the old married people.
There are a whole passel of different things going on here:
Really nice, honest girls who like really nice honest guys tend to not be avalible for meeting becasue they tend to be (big shock here) in nice, commited, very long-term relationships. Vice-versa is also true.
To expand on what Giraffe said, many people do not respond well to someone who is over-the-top nice right from the get go. This is not because they are insane.. This is because [a] if someone is super, super nice and romantic and sweet, it feels like pressure to respond in kind. This is what the nice girl is thinking:
Ahh! How did that happen? I just hiy space! Redo that post!
There are a whole passel of different things going on here:
Really nice, honest girls who like really nice honest guys tend to not be avalible for meeting becasue they tend to be (big shock here) in nice, commited, very long-term relationships. Vice-versa is also true.
To expand on what Giraffe said, many people do not respond well to someone who is over-the-top nice right from the get go. This is not because they are insane. . This is because:
[a] if someone is super, super nice and romantic and sweet, it feels like pressure to respond in kind. This is what the nie girl is thinking:I kinda sorta like [nice guy], but I am not really sure–it’s just too soon, I don’t really know anything about him. On the other hand, he’s obviously crazy about me, what with the roses and the expensive dinner and the billboard ad and all. I can’t keep stringing him along, and then dump him later if I find out we don’t get along–that would just be too cruel–so I’d best cut it off now.
and
** Coming on too strong too soon suggests you are not really interested in the person, but in some idea of a person or, frankly, in thier face/body. Most people have low self-esteem–they don’t believe anybody could be that crazy about them that fast, and so are suspicious.
My, my. That’s perfectly normal. My advice would be to quit putting yourself in these shitty situations. Life is never what it seems. There are tons of beautiful people in the world. They’re just like you! Chin up! Pip pip, all that rot!
Love being single for a while. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is desperate for the cuddles, not for them as a person? Desperation will not build a good relationship. If you were just desperate for sex that wouldn’t matter. However, you actually want a relationship and anyone who is stable will not want to get into a relationship with someone who is desperate.
So stop being desperate. Love being single. every day do things you can only do because you are single. (Feel free to lie to yourself about this. I told myself that I could only wear my favorite crap jeans because I was single. Blatantly false, but fun. I could only wear my crap jeans and not care about it because I was single.) See movies that you want to see by yourself. Stop by a bookshop on your way home and totally blow your schedule for the day. (If you weren’t single someone would be worried about you, but because you are…!)
I’m single too. In the past five years, I’ve had two committed relationships–one lasted 4 months, the other, 8 months. My life is pretty busy and I honestly don’t have a social life right now. That’s okay, because that can come later (when things settle down.) It’s possible I’ll never meet anyone ever again, period. Who knows? I don’t mind being single. Sometimes I miss being in love, and having someone there for me, but sometimes I don’t even think about it at all. Mostly because emotionally healthy people can be hard to find. (Or at least, that’s been my dating experience!) However, given that I am 26 I do sometimes think that ship has sailed and I’ll probably be single forever… Most of the people I know in my age group are married already.
One of my best friends who is normally quite a level-headed woman offered to set me up with a real gem one time. I am still dismayed, a few years later, that she thought this was a good idea. She had met a guy who is in his late 20s or early 30s (no longer remember.) He is a punk-kind of guy with piercings and coloured hair, and piercings. He has been homeless most of his life. He has had one girlfriend in his life, and she ended up getting murdered. (By whom, my friend didn’t know.) He told my friend he thinks he is gay but he isn’t sure. My friend said if she were single, she’d grab him up herself, but she’s not… and wouldn’t I like to meet him? Yeah, right.
And for the record (regarding the “nice girls like being treated like dirt” garbage) I am a nice woman. I’m smart, pretty, nice, and very level-headed. I am not clingy, or demanding. I don’t put up with crap (and I don’t dish it out, either.) I have no interest whatsoever being with jerky people. That includes the physically abuse types, the liars, the cheats, and yes, even the whiney passive aggressive type. (Read Manda JO’s post again–she nailed it, as usual!)
Ha. I’m looking for a new job, and I’ll probably work with children again. I love working with kids. You know what the biggest drawback is, though? Men don’t work with little kids!
Since I graduated from college, I had two year-long postions working with little kids, with two different sets of co-workers and every freakin’ one of them was a woman; the only male co-workers I ever have are when I work in test scoring over summers- most of those men are also married and/or my Dad’s age. I don’t go to bars because I don’t drink, so there are days when I wallow in self-pity and decide I’m never going to meet a decent guy…but other days make me wonder what I’d want one for anyway
…And if all else fails, chocolate always works to help ME cope. That, or non-prescription sedatives and a Bilie Holiday CD on “loop,” But chocolate is probably better for one’s health in the long run. ;(
Ranchoth
(“I’m sorry, sir. That wasn’t ‘grizzled’ that was ‘wistful.’”)
