A Rough Night

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last night, I’m afraid, I had a particularly rough time battling depression and fears. Bad enough that I could easily not have wound up alive and well enough to post here. I lost my job 4 months ago and I haven’t been able to find a new one. It will be my birthday on Friday, and here I am, crossing from middle to late 30’s, single, straight, yet never married, with no job and no one to come home to.

Last night, the fear and the pain got to me. I was one of several people who were visiting friends of mine yesterday and I was planning on spending the night, so I could plead tiredness and retreat to another room. There, I wound up curled in a ball of pain and fear for I don’t know how long. I had a vision of a cruel, judgemental God, completely opposite to the God I worship, and that threw me in deeper. The friends I was visiting are good friends indeed. One of them stopped off to see me before turning in, realized what shape I was in, and we talked and cried. They also battle with depression, so they know what this is like.

Please, I cannot believe in the harsh, cruel, capricious deity some people worship. If they are right, too many people I love will be lost, and I wouldn’t want to be found. I’m afraid, alone, and I don’t know what happens next. A year ago, I thought I had my life together. Now, I’m not sure what I have.

I’m taking care of myself, for now. I’ve got a hot lunch cooking, and I’m even heating the oven for some ready-to-bake chocolate chip cookies, but I needed to put my thoughts out somewhere.

Thanks, as always, for listening.
CJ

2

I have no words to make it all better, I wish I did. But a lot of people here, probably even ones you don’t know (like me) care and hope things start picking up for you soon.

Lauren

3

I’m glad you’re still here. I’ve come to enjoy your posts the last few months - it seems like I didn’t run across them for a long time, but now I run into them a lot.

I’ve been in that pit where you’re not sure that you’ll make it through to see the morning. And I know that it doesn’t always look brighter when the sun comes up, but more desperate. It’s easy to say “don’t give into it” when you’re where I am - I’m at a good place in my life right now, but nowhere near as easy to when your in the middle of it.

But if you need to babble at someone, my e-mail’s available (just put SDMB as part of the subject or it’ll get deleted with the other spam). My AIM is in my profile too - but I’m signed off now as it’s almost lunchtime, then studying for tonight’s exam.

4

Hang in there…it won’t always feel this bad. Trust me.

:wink:

5

CJ, you might not know me, but I also enjoy your post a lot and I just stopped in to say hello. I’m glad you made it through the night. I know where you are. My husband and I both go through clinical depression once a year or more. I don’t know if this will help at all, but when I get like that I meditate. Actually, I now do it once a day and it helps me keep the depression away better than anything else I’ve tried. I’d be happy to send you a book about it. If you’d like, just email me your address.

6

CJ, first off, thank you for the kind mention the other day as a poster you’re thankful for. It meant a whole lot to me that someone would recognize me and my opinion. And to say it was humorous?? Oh I liked that!

My e-mail is active on this board. I am here and will answer your emails if you need someone to talk with. I may not have all the answers, but I can at least be an ear for you.

Keep the faith!

:smiley:

7

CJ I am sorry to hear you had a rough night. It is especially tough when you are: a) someone who faces depression (I think you stated that in your OP); b) see your personal circumstances as not where you want them to be; and c) part of a world situation that is hard - the economy is bad and scary for most people, and the threat of terrorism and war is very stressful. All of these things make it easier than other times to end up down there.

I have faced similar triple whammies before. They are tough. Please be strong, look to friends, get whatever help you are comfortable with and know you need and do what you can to put one foot in front of the other to move yourself to a new situation in small steps.

Please take care.

8

((((((((CJ))))))))

Well, at least you were in the right place when that wave of depression crashed. You have some amazing friends, and if I can’t be there for you, I’m glad they can (for a while, anyway).

The God you worship isn’t a harsh one. Sure, you’ve led a really tough life, but hasn’t God been there for you? You’re not going to hell. You’re too nice for that. I don’t even believe in hell.

I’d write more, but I must get to class now. I’ll be home sometime around the 18th, so I can give you a real hug.

  • the Kid
9

Well, I would run through this thread naked (as that’s what you thanked me for earlier), but A) it’s DAMN COLD here and it’s MUCH COLDER THERE!

Thank you for being my friend.

10

Sweatheart CJ, remind me to remind you to kick me next time I forget to give you my number.

I am so sorry things are so rough lately. Though I can’t quote you scripture showing how God does things for mysterious reasons or the numerous ways he can make things will get better for you. I can tell you, however, how much you mean to me as a friend. I can tell you how much I’d miss not seeing your posts. I can’t promise the tears and fears will go away forever some day. I can tell you that there is plenty of smiles and happiness around the corner if you are willing to keep looking for it.

I hope you enjoyed your choccie chip cookies, dunking them in a nice big ice cold glass of milk or hot cocoa with plenty of marshmallows.

::gives big hugs and makes CJ nice cuppa Yorkshire tea:: :slight_smile:

11

I hear you, I’m going thru the same things… the only difference is im a bit younger. I’ve had times like that myself. Just hang in there, things always look better the next day.

12

cjhoworth, I’ve been in a place similar to where you are, and I’m sorry you’re going through it now. FWIW your posts have meant a lot to me, and I think you’re a special person. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, and I hope you’re getting the medical attention you need as well. The vengeful spirit that haunts you is a figment of somebody else’s imagination, so don’t pay it any mind. I hate to say “Chin up, Buckaroo” and offer empty words of encouragement, because I know how hollow that sounds when you’re really in the depths of it, but if there’s anything some random dude on a message board can do to help, count me in. Meanwhile, you have a ton of people both here and in real life who care about you, and we’re on your side. :slight_smile:

13

CJ: In this economy, we’re all pretty much there or on the edge of there.

C’mon down to NY for the Dopefest in January and say hi – nothing like the some Dope to cheer you up, I say. I still won’t let you win at master boggle, though. :wink:

14

{{cj}}

Thank you for staying with us. We need more intelligent loving people who believe in an intelligent, loving, fair God.

I’m thankful that you had someone there for you.

15

I wish there was something I could do to help, I really do.

If you can hang on until Washte and I get over to the States, you’ll get a such a huggin’ lass.

Take care of yourself and remember that you have a lot of people around who really do value you. Although you may feel it at times, you are never alone.

16

((cj))

we love you
god loves you

keep warm, eat well, keep busy, sleep heaps and have someone there.
i’ll pray for you.

maybe you could find comfort in psalm 77, or some verses that mean something special to you?

you are treasured so much by many people who have never met you. the one who knows you most can only treasure you infinitely more.