A Straight Dope Murder Mystery. Part 1.

Author’s notes:
First and formost, this is a work of fiction (obviously).
Any similiarties between what happens in the story and in real life is purely coincidental and unintended. In other words, it’s not my fault! :stuck_out_tongue:
I did, however, take some liberties in making the dopers included in it act and be like how they are on the boards or, rather, come across sometimes…also throwing in some other minor factual things that they have made no secret in hiding.

Secondly, and maybe most importantly, the following is intended to amuse. It is for fun and laughter and enertainment. It is not meant to offend in any way so I’m really hoping it doesn’t. Consquently, I’m hoping the replies and comments stay non-offensive as well.
This is for fun, again I stress, and before the last part, I will actually hold a topic where people can guess at who they think the killer(s) is/are. :slight_smile:
Yes, there is a killer (or killers). And yes, the clues and story, to those who are good at deduction, reasoning, clues, subtly, and and eye for detail, should be able to figure out who the killer(s) is/are by the last part…but only after getting all of the puzzle pieces. :wink:
Thirdly, please, please, please…try to keep the grammar nazi comments at a low. I know there are a few here who itch like mad when they see something spelled wrong or some sentence structure worded wrong, but try not to pick TOO much, I hope.
I typed all of this up early this morning. It took about two hours…so much is to be said for speed story-telling, hah.
Fourth, not everyone was able to be in it. I’m sorry. What I did was choose the 40 SDMB members who currently post whom I thought were the among the most recognizable, regular, daily posters whom, at least, I see all over these boards all the time.
But that doesn’t mean that everyone can’t enjoy the story. Nay, I hope even those who are not in it will get into it, enjoy it, and try to guess, as the story goes on, who the killer(s) may be. :slight_smile:
Fifth, I have used all of the usernames in the story. So yes, it may read a bit weird or corny, but really, it was the only way I could do it, so it’s a minor point you’ll all have to get passed.
And lastly, know this: Everyone who is in the story PERSONALLY gave me permission to put them in the story. I PMed every. single. person in this story (all 40) and heard back from all of them, giving me permission to put them in the story. And every person was not only for it, but seemed to be excitedly for it and a few even gave me permission to use a little creative licencing with them in it. So you’re not reading anyone in the story who didn’t already know they were going to be in it and was okay with it.
I thank you all for reading this far and hope you enjoy the story as much as I did thinking it up. Part two will come either Thursday or Friday. :slight_smile:

And now, the show is starting…get your popcorn, curl up, and let’s start…

The Straight Dope Murder Mystery.

Idle Thoughts regarded the list in front of him with amusement. The forty guests on the paper were bound to show up. He knew that never before in the history of the internet had a get together been so big. The names on the paper seemed to fill the page, bringing a sense of authority to each person listed.
He read the list once, then twice, finally a third time.

Nzinga, Seated
What Exit
Mr Bus Guy
Alice in Wonderland
Lord Ashtar
Boyo Jim
Crafter Man
Green Bean
Johnny LA
Little Nemo
Vinyl Turnip
Cat Whisperer
Shirley Ujest
Hal Briston
Rand Rover
A Monkey With a Gun
Shot From Guns

Idle sighed to himself. Forty people, he thought, forty different souls in one room, at one Dopefest party together.
His mind turned to the activities he had planned. The basic party games would go on, cake, ice cream, live music, one big ol’ get together just like the days of yore. But still, something settled on his mind like creeping ivy. He could feel the night’s vibrance. This would be exciting, but would it really turn out all right? God knew some of the people could not stand each other. Idle just hoped it would all pass without major incident.

They came in droves and herds. Nzinga, Seated and MeanOldLady arrived wearing the same black dress. Elucidator walked in with a white shirt and tie. Shirley Ujest had gone the whole happy, Spring look…wearing purple lipstick and her nails pink with little flowers at the center of each one, her dress a sunny yellow with a light blue ribbon tied around it. Crafter Man certainly turned heads, dressing what he felt most comforable in, what with a torn t-shirt and blue jeans with the legs rolled up.
The prize had to go to Little Nemo, however. Arriving in a limo, he climbed from the depths, took off his hat and strode into the house, his blue tux glimmered against his red tie. He looked either ready for a party or to launch a full scale assult on the fashion police.
On his way by he gave Idle a wink.

“What can I say? I’ve got some pretty good pay coming in from my prison job. I’m the warden now.” He said with a beam.

The party began. Johnny LA volunteered to do the music with a part-time band that he moonlighted with, The Troglights. Out of the speakers blasted the notes of heavy rock-n-roll. Some started to get their groove on, others gathered around the punch bowl and appitizer table. Fenris was busy talking to Giraffe about how their boards were doing. Diogenes the Cynic was trying to fit as much food on his plate as possible. Shodan caught up with Twickster as she drank her first cup of punch and started a conversation with her. All seemed to be at ease.

Then a hush started from the front, near the doors. Idle strained his neck to see what was happening. He heard Alice in Wonderland mutter something and a muffled cough from Gfactor.

Then there he was. Sapo entered the room, bringing a slightly holier than thou air with him. A line cut down the center of the crowd as he stepped up to Idle. He regarded him for a moment, then spoke gently.

“Ah, Idle Thoughts, finally we all get to meet. Far cry from all of us debating on the boards, eh?” He smiled, showing a row of white teeth. “At least here I can’t be suspended for simply giving my opinion.”
Idle stared him in the eye. Sapo tipped him a wink.

“I guess not, Sapo.” He said with some force, through clenched teeth, hoping against hope that Sapo wouldn’t bring out his arguementative nature here.

“Mhmm,” Sapo seemed to muse, clicking his tounge and regarding the situation for a moment, then his attention was diverted elsewhere “ohhh, what have we here? Caviar?”

He moved to the table where most were standing and listening to the post conversation. The moment had passed.

The night went on. Some people took great delight in trying to poke holes in some of the veiws Rand Rover was currently talking about. Guinastasia sat with Polycarp on a bench and talked non-stop to him. Green Bean found Idle Thoughts a few minutes later with Oakminster and MsRobyn trailing behind her.

Idle! Hi! What a nice party.” She looked him up and down for a minute, seeing him for the first time, then continued. “So, how did you ever think up this meeting? I mean, I have to admit, we’ve never really talked on the boards that much but when I got your invitation, I was honored.”

Idle smiled. “Well, I just thought it was about time for us to meet each other. It didn’t cost as much as I thought it would to get you all out here.”

“Well, that’s great! I just can’t believe almost all of us are here…”
They conversed for a couple more minutes, then Green Bean ran off to say hi to Muffin.

Idle paused and looked around the room. He hadn’t seen TubaDiva yet and was curious to meet her. He saw Cat Whisperer dancing in the middle of the room, tearing up the floor. Monkey With a Gun was right beside her, albeit dancing with a bit more couth. Johnny LA was up on the platform, his band behind him, belting out the music and lyrics as if they were at a real life concert.

Other then the minor moment with Sapo, all was going well.
Unfortunatly, he didn’t know what was to come.
No idea the night would end…
with murder…


Someone had thrown the chip dip onto the floor. Or maybe it had just fallen. It lay near the back leg of the veggie table, its thick cream spreading around the vast array of feet trampling through it. As Idle Thoughts watched, ElvisL1ves walked by and stepped in the green muck without even noticing. His footsteps marked where he walked like an ivory-colored heat censor. **Idle **walked over to where the dip lay, but before he got there, someone stepped in his way.

“Well, Well, awsome party we’re having, ain’t it?”

Idle craned his neck up to see who was addressing him. The girl was short. Her dark brown hair fell across her face in curls. Her eyes shone brightly behind her brown glasses.
Idle smiled.

“So we are, Guinnie.” He stood up and hugged her. “It’s nice to finally have this chance to meet you.”

Guinastasia hugged him back and looked at him in small wonder. “Wow, I would have never thought all this possible; all of us finally in one place together.”

“Well, you know, it did take a lot of money, but all in all, I’d say it was worth it.” He said this will his attention diverted. Across the room, Sapo was talking to Mr Bus Guy. He glanced over at Idle and gave him a slow shot from an imaginary index finger gun and smiled slightly.

Idle turned his back to him and focused again on Guinastasia, who was staring at him now. Apparently she had just asked a question.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

She smiled. “I asked how your life was going thus far, silly. Haven’t seen you much around on the dope or Facebook.”

“Good,…good. Thank you.” He found a tissue in his pocket and wiped his brow with it, where sweat began to form. Suddenly the room was too small. He felt crushed. His perception went fuzzy. He saw Shot From Guns talking with Bricker in a corner, like they had some secret conversation to discuss in private. He watched as ivn1188 chugged a whole glass of punch in one gulp. Lord Ashtar was standing near the stage and he seemed to be looking straight at him with a sort of…meanness?

Idle?” Guinastasia’s soft voice stirred him back to the present conversation. “You okay? You look a little bit pale…”

“Oh, I’m fine…it’s just that…I…I really have to clean this mess…see, the dip…” He gestured to the floor where the dip was now growing into a liquid goo. **Guinastasia’s **eyes traveled to the half cannister.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I was almost standing in it.” She laughed, a high chittery laugh that sounded like a flock of birds in a tree. “Well, THAT wouldn’t have been too good, huh? Probably would have tracked it halfway to the punchbowl by now…”

“Yeah, well, that’s okay.” He reached for the towels the same time someone else did.

“Whoa, sorry man. HEY! Idle! Nice party you got going here…”

Idle paid no real attention to the fellow in front of him (Vinyl Turnip said later on that he thought something looked wrong with the guy). He took some towels and bent down to clean up as much of the mess as he could as Vinyl Turnip walked on to the meat table. He was only slightly aware that **Guinastasia **was still standing over him.

“You sure you’re okay?” She asked with true concern in her voice.

Idle waved her off. “Yea, I’m fine. Must be something I ate.” He gave her one of her winning smiles. “Really, I’ll be okay, Mother!”

She grinned at this. “Okay, but if you need anything, I’ll just be right over there trying out my two left feet on the dance floor.”

He watched as she made her way across the room where Twickster still stood with Shodan. He looked again at where Sapo was, but he had moved into a group of people around the stage. Johnny was still crooning out the tunes, never missing a beat. A young girl stood by the side and he recognized Pbbth.

He turned back to the dip and slowly mopped up what he could. Dispensing the carton into the trash, a wave of dizziness hit him like a baseball bat to the groin. He had to steady himself on the table for a minute.

Have to get to the bathroom…have to get coldwater on my face…that’s all I need. This though raced though his head as he made his way to the back of the room to the restroom at the end of the hall, but for some reason, he couldn’t make it. Everyone seemed to be on a mission to stop him. He saw as Cat Whisperer got up, apparently having taken a break from dancing, and blocked his way.

Idle, I’m having a blast.”

He walked past her without saying a word and didn’t see the hurt expression on her face. The people here were now only a jumble of faces and bodies. He saw Kaylasdad spinning around and around, doing his version of a dance. He witnessed Una Persson whisper something to Shirley Ujest that they both laughed at. He passed by a guy (Hal Briston? Marley?) who was making a ham sandwich by the rear table. He wondered briefly where TubaDiva was again and suddenly here was the bathroom. The door was closed.

He knocked twice on the hard oakwood. Heard a flush inside and the sink run for a second. Out stepped What Exit. What Exit later said Idle seemed to be all right save for the fact that his face was bathed in sweat.

“Hey, Id–,” But Idle had already entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him with a slam.


Time is like an essence and seems to lose itself in social situations. The party went on. A parade of people traveled down the hallway and past the bathroom. One of them went in, then came out about 30 seconds later. Nobody noticed. The party raged on.

Marley was the one who found the body. He found the bathroom door apparently closed as Idle had shut it an unknown length of time ago. He knocked lightly but the door had apparently not been latched all the way and it fell open.

The scene inside was not bloody or messy. It was simple, actually. **Idle Thoughts **lay twisted at an angle so that his feet were by the door and his head under the edge of the shower. A knife blade handle stuck approximtly 4 inches out of the middle of his back. His eyes were already glazed over and the look on his face could only be that of shock.

Marley surveyed this for a minute, not really seeing what he thought he was. Then it snapped into him like a bullet into his brain. He backed up slowly, in shock and surprise, and uttered the words in a 12 decibel voice that drew the attention of the other partygoers.

“HOLY SHIT, I think he’s dead!”

To Be Continued…

Well damn. It was shaping up to be a great party, and then someone has to go all “murder most foul” on the host. I hate it when that happens. :cool:

I’d just like to point out that the murder weapon was a knife, not a gun. Therefore, I’m completely innocent of this foul deed. Wasn’t me. Nope. No knife on me, just this gun. The facts speak for themselves. Completely 110% innocent. Yep.

I dunno. Our dearly departed was showing signs of being poisoned, drugged, or perhaps suffering a heart attack as he made his way to the restroom. There’s a knife in his back, but the scene isn’t particularly bloody, which suggests to me that he may have been dead before he was stabbed…

So do you already have the whole thing worked out in your mind, as far as whodunnit and everything? I’d love to start guessing early, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the story.

But I will say this: I bet it was one of your Mafia buddies. They’re mad because they always get offed on Day 1.

And so the “detective work” by the readers starts. :wink: :slight_smile:

Yep. I already have it all planned out. Right down to the clues and things I’ll wager and put in, all the little subtlies, and who the killer(s) is/are.
So you could start guessing if you wanted…although you’ll have to wait until the last part to find out if you’re right. You’ll get more and more info and pieces as the parts go on. I think there will be six of them.


The body of Idle thoughts was found murdered at 7:11 PM, yet someone has accessed his account and posted at 10:37 to mock the investigation by putting “detective work” in “quotation marks” . Indubitably, the evildoer covets Idle Thoughts’ guest account status and is willing to kill to get it.

A most crafty fiend, but his confidence shall be his downfall. We find who knows that Idle Thoughts’ password is “NSync4Ever”, we find the killer.

Since “A Straight Dope Murder Mystery” sounds an awful lot like a game, I moved the thread from MPSIMS to The Game Room.

It’s not a game. It’s a story. : /

I’m only a moderator in General Questions, but I would have moved this to the Game Room also.

I know. I was thinking Cafe Society. A game would be more if our guesses influenced you at all.

Since you have admins/mods that agreed you could do this, I’d ask them for what they say. I would think they had an idea of what forum would be most appropriate.

BTW, I think you somehow faked your own death. But there will be other people dying later, so the culprit will still qualify as a murderer. In fact, I predict a Drawing room scene where people are trying to guess who it is, and the wrong suspects getting tossed off.

Of course, there’s also the idea that Tuba did it, since you keep pointing out we haven’t seen her yet.

Moved back to MPSIMS at the special request of the OP.

It could technically go in any of GR, CS or MPSIMS, and Wombat had sound reason to move it to GR. However, since the OP has requested MPSIMS, and it fits and looks like it would take off best in MPSIMS, I’ve moved it back.

Gary “Wombat” Robson, hope that’s OK with you. I would normally have waited, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be back tonight.


I heard that he got crushed by a giant pile of books he was moving. Possibly not a joke. :slight_smile:

That’s all OK. The more pressing here issue is, where should we bury Idle’s body? Fame Room, In My Humble Backyard, or Mundane Lifeless Stuff I Must Shovel?

This thread reminds me of meek’s awesome SDMB Musical series:

SDMB ~ The Epic Musical

SDMB Epic Musical III ~ This Time It’s Personal

Maybe Idle Thoughts and meek should get together and make a movie next.

I was going to say that it reminds me of Zebra’s murder mystery game of some years ago, Homicidal Maniac Loose In This Thread in which I totally kicked psychopathic ass.

But it looked better on me. Oh, snap!

That must have been a big dress.

Dammit. The lady at Big Brassy And Beautiful swore to me that it was an original.

Anyways, I know who dunnit.