Bro, you’re overthinking it. Remove gender from the equation.
Pretend the disrespect is aimed at someone wearing a turban, or an orange robe, or a tattoo, or sandals, or ill-fitting pants. As I said before, it’s about setting societal norms. You don’t bust someone’s balls who isn’t socially able (read: friend) to bust yours back and share big laughs with you; and it’s a dick move to let someone else do it.
ETA: And if you think by the time you got to security, after waiting in line, that you couldn’t tell whether two people were total strangers or married then you’re even more socially impaired than I am.
Ok, how about this scenario. You are out at Home Depot and you see a couple shopping and the man says to the woman “Hurry up and pick a fucking color of paint or else you are getting it when we get home!”
What do you do? What should a courageous bystander do in that situation?
(Prefacing this w/ the fact I’m a 5’6", 140 lb female who’s only intimidating to birds and stray cats.)
What I’ve done in situations like that (while not at Home Depot, yet) is to linger, make eye contact w/ the threatening party to show they were heard and basically keep within a line of sight until they or I leave. That wording is somewhat ambiguous so I’d look for context or the other person’s reaction to consider.
There’s an incident I may have shared here when it happened back in 2004 when I pulled into my college parking lot and in the car opposite me a young man had his back to me while seated on a woman in the driver’s seat and blocking the driver door. I got out and heard him berating her, then beat feet to the security guard at the desk inside the building. I went back to the car w/ 1 guard as the other one called the cops. When we showed up the guy was still sitting on what turned out to be his girlfriend and tried telling us to leave. It was seconds before the cops showed and the last I saw of that jerk he was in the back seat of a cop car. manson1972, I feel that even though the exchange you saw turned out to be a consensual one, you did at least 2 good things - you let the couple know their actions in public could be misinterpreted and also showed anyone watching that people will step in when they believe they see mistreatment. That could be supportive or a deterrent, but either way you set a good example; and while you
were embarrassed at the time I would have been proud to be w/ you that day.
I’d rather embarrass myself (and have) in being too protective of others than chagrined that I didn’t help when I could have. No man is an island.
It was clear from the OP that she was upset by the situation, so your characterization is incorrect and is written in such a way to be inflammatory, bordering on trolling.
Drop this or find a way to discuss what a victim of harassment could have done in such a situation in a less jerkish way.
That story comes from my cousin and I trolling people who try to intervene in situations they know nothing about. It’s actually more fun when they do what you suggest and we just keep it going. Unfortunately more than “zero” amount of guys would say stuff like “yeah, you tell her!”
This was a hypothetical so don’t be proud or anything. But actually, I understand what you are saying with regards to the two good things. Something to think about, thanks.
People freeze under stress or perceived attack for a variety of reasons. It’s called fight or flight. The lot of you are being insensitive and making this about you.
She had a bad experience. She told us. We are trying to support her. You asked us what you could have done. You were told. The immediate response is an attack on women, and complaints about how hard it is on you to have to understand social cues.
This thread isn’t about you. Stop making the OP feel attacked even here, where she tried to share a scary experience and find reassurance.
In this case, someone saying “strip” and “we’re in for a show” is clearly inappropriate, so stop bringing up ridiculous edge cases and diverting. We get it. You are not the courageous bystanders who might say something. You are the ones who will laugh about it later with their buddies.
Sorry, I’m not saying she wasn’t upset, she made it clear she was. Just not sure how a bystander would know that. I’m not trying to be inflammatory and definitely not trolling. Just trying to better understand the situation.
In that case I recommending expanding your posts so they don’t look like one-liners, add context, and fully explain what you are getting at. One liners look like “zingers” or gotcha comments and are more likely to be taken wrong.
I’m not attacking the OP. I’m questioning the fact that some people think that bystanders should intervene in such a situation. As a bystander, this results in people telling me what I should be doing. I’m simply trying to figure out what that means.
Some comments are so out of line that whether the victim is upset is secondary. What the guy said was unbelievably jerky, regardless if a specific persion was offended or not. Someone looking at him and saying “god, dude, really?” would help this gentleman make it to the 21st. century. One can also assume that such a shitty comment probably is upsetting, even in the person is keeping up a brave face. Saying to the victim “are you ok?” is an act of human kindness that is rarely the wrong thing to do.
I’ve been in situations where someone has said something uncalled for, either sexist or racist. I’ve caught the person’s eye and given a nasty glare. Sometimes that will shut somebody up.
You have to read the situation and it’s not always easy. In response to a racist comment I once said something along the “that’s not cool, asshole” line. The guy who the original comment was directed at yelled at me, “I don’t need your help”. I told him I just didn’t want my kids to hear the guy’s racist talk go unchallenged. Meanwhile the original racist asshole had walked away and there I was, floundering like a fool.
Sometimes life is difficult. I used to think that life had improved vastly from how things used to be. Optimism is the first step toward disappointment.
Was looking at the TV guide a little while ago and noticed that “What Would You Do?” is on tonight. I wonder what would happen if this situation was addressed on that show.
Nomination for Clueless Post of the Week Award (CPWA, no trademark). Also Blame The Victim participation trophy.
To the OP, that sounds like an awful experience, and I am revolted that no-one within earshot stood up for you and called that guy out.
In some other hypotheticals suggested by manson, my first reaction would be to reach out to the person on the receiving end and check in with them to see if they are ok or if there is a problem. I would stand nearby with my bulky self and be prepared to do and say stuff, short of physical interaction unless necessary. If they said they were ok but I wasn’t sure if they were being intimidated I would hang around in their vicinity a while, at least until the aggressor got the idea to calm down and/or go away, depending on circumstances. If I were really worried I would follow them to their car and write down the license number, and possibly report it to the police (assuming the two were a couple). If the aggressor was a stranger, I would expect them to slink away after the first interference. If the victim was able to stand up for themself, no harm done and I can walk away.
note: using “they” and “them” as gender-neutral pronouns results in some really awkward grammar. I hope we come up with something better soon.
