On behalf of the Pit (not really such a bad place, as it turns out) I have decided that what we need here more than anything is our own January 6 Insurrectionist, a Special Someone we can adopt and nurture on the road to Perdition, someone who has not yet been “caught” or “arrested” (in FBI jargon) to be cheered on by the highly sympathetic Pit Regulars, possessors of a refined and tender understanding, the like of which Father Flanagan, founder of Boys Town (“there’s no such thing as a bad boy”) would surely envy (he’d no doubt include girls nowadays too, I mean in the “no such thing” category).
Good people, I have selected one such and here she is! Meet “Little Greenie”.
A bit of background: In an older Pit thread I mentioned that I had adopted a Deplorable - a guy who breached the Capitol and couldn’t resist primping for the camera of a fellow knucklehead by showing off his Jack Skellington onesie and lighting up a cigarette, in defiance of building codes and every sense of decency - I also think No Smoking is in the Constitution, will have to look that one up, but anyway. Since he was unidentified at the time, I gave him a cute name (Billy). This is what he looked like on 1/6/2021:
Well, I vowed to follow his case and sure enough, on December 1 he was discovered living in an unheated trailer in Nevada, frog-marched to the local calabozo and quickly shipped back East to face some pretty daunting Federal charges, since he’d been caught on video swinging a table leg with a nail sticking out of it at some Capitol law officers. At this point, Billy looked like this:
Pretty clever, growing a beard but somehow it didn’t help his cause. Anyway, his arrest left a void in my heart and I thought rather than brood I would just say fuck that guy and pick another Fugitive from among the two thousand or so still out there that the Feds would dearly like to have a word with.
Little Greenie is who I chose. I give her to you, Pit People. It turns out she is #9 on the FBI’s be-on-the-lookout list, which is pretty cool, like she’s a living, breathing low-number Vanity Plate!
Here she is, sitting at someone’s desk (not Nancy’s, that was already occupied) somewhere near the Rotunda, seeming very focused on looking for Evidence, any kind will do, glancing up long enough for us to get a good look at her deer-in-the-headlights expression, but never losing a grip on her Security Flag, her vaping tube well positioned but somehow the intended Cruella De Vil effect seems to have eluded her.
Who is she? The FBI knows her name, I won’t repeat it here (some online sleuths claim she’s the niece of some media figure I’ve never heard of, but we’ll just use Greenie for now, out of some probably misplaced sense of fair play, some sort of “innocent until” nonsense that never stopped a good internet pile-on.
Who is this woman? We all witnessed the calls for blood, the gallows, the cops attacked with anything that could be hurled, the bear spray, the zip ties, the windows smashed, the doors bashed, the Stars’n’Bars*, the filth and the fury.
And the feces. Above all, we must never forget the feces!
Was Little Greenie behind any of that? We don’t know. Was she behind all of it? Maybe! (Many people tell me the person seen on surveillance cameras who planted those pipe bombs might be a woman. Connect the dots, people!)
So keep your weather-eye cocked, and if you spot her, contact the FBI before the trail goes cold. Wouldn’t that be a feather in the cap of the Pit if one of youse made the call! But even if you don’t, please open up your hearts to a child in need. Thank you and God Bless.
- “That’s actually not the Stars’n’Bars, that’s the Confederate Battle Flag.” Me: “Shut up!”