Sorry for this David…
Once upon a time in the land of Straights (Straight Dope that is), there lived a midget troll who thought he was mighty. He was so inconsequential that he thought having a multitude of stars in his name would get him noticed. Well, the dopers looked around and saw that they weren’t really stars but an unusual type of hat.
“What type of hat is it?” the gay dopers asked falling into the straight concept that gay people are highly fashion conscience.
So the gay dopers, Sqrl, Otto, and Esprix closed in for better inspection. (Sorry, Neurro…lesbians aren’t known for their fashion sense… ;)) To their surprise, it was a magic hat and an evil one at that and seemed to be made of some type of reflective material that shone like a thousands of stars billions upon billions of light years away.
The wicked troll espoused, “begone from here you foul creatures, this is the STRAIGHT dope, not the GAY dope.” He continued to rant and rave performing his tiki rituals until the other dopers realized that aligning themselves with him was akin to aligning themselves with the malign force of nature…or a train wreck. During this rant, he gave gays certain powers: the power of fashion, the power to control ALL media, the power to induce sickness on those who are within the moral majority. In so doing, he gave himself the power to speak for all the Straights out in Straight Dope land. This was his only power and it made him mad that there were gay people out there that he could not control.
Well, soon the straights in Straight Dope land got bored. “We have no fashion,” they cried. So magically the gay dopers granted all who would take them, hip hugging bellbottoms, collarless button-up shirts, nice and comfortable leather shoes, and some really groovy star glasses that allowed them to see people as equals unless proven otherwise.
The accepting Straights were ecstatic at this new found sense of fashion but were still wary since Orion still spoke for all of them and thus were not too comfortable being around the gay people.
Well, the gay dopers were accorded the power to control media and this made Orion mad, but he could not take back a power that he already gave so he made concessions. He knew that the television was evil but the thing was so darn entertaining. Luckily he had a lobby to protect people from all the gay ideas that could so easily be carried over onto television in addition to the gays being afraid of a massive strike against them until one day the straight people. So slowly the television started to decline. Orion in his infinite wisdom decided to go easy on the media… he saw it as less a force to contend with as of late then suddenly shows started featuring gay characters. Soap was among the first, then Busom Buddies and their transvestite exploits, then Ellen (the first show to have a gay lead), and now Will and Grace all started to air.
Orion was mad, he gave up a fight and all of a sudden there were some shows that featured regular gay characters, and low and behold…they were normal. They were similar to him. The straight Straight Dopers saw these shows and since they were written well, were funny and entertaining. The gay dopers rejoiced and thought, “finally the straights can see us as we are… normal like them with just a different preference.”
Well, luckily Orion’s powers were starting to dwindle. The straight Straight Dopers were seeing the gay people in Gay land (next to Straight dope land) as being pretty much just like them. This offended a few straights who left to a place commonly known as Left Behind land, since they were now not in the world where they felt they had to fight to keep gays away. Luckily for everyone involved there have been emisaries in Left-Behind land who actively try to show them their misconceptions of human life in Straight dope land.
Well, this was all going fine and dandy then Orion reared his head again. He said, “Homosexuality should be a crime.” Well, Will and Grace seemed pretty normal. Luckily Ellen lost her show when she ceased to be funny and the even funnier Will and Grace took her place.
Well, the straight crowds saw that Will was pretty normal, perhaps a little too clean and proper for the straight crowd, but they identified with his foibles. This angered the now evil Orion. He started spouting off obsolete laws that were designed to take away various groups of people’s rights. This brings up the following quote:
The straights realized that abridging one group’s freedoms could have the effect that eventually their own freedom would be affected. This scared the straights but Orion cried it was not true, but history seemed to kick him in his teeth.
“But, I have the magic aluminum hat!” He shrieked pointing to the pointy cone.
The straight people with their newfound gay sensibilities shouted back, “but that is unfashionable. You will never find Will wearing that hideous thing.”
“But it is beautiful!” he protested ineffectually. “It gives me powers to grant people things that simply aren’t there.”
“We know,” they yelled back, “see, you no longer speak in our voice because you are wrong… and horribly out of date in the fashion sense. Our hip hugging bellbottoms and groovy glasses have maintained long past your gorilla suit and shiny, star sparkly hat.”
“Well then,” Orion began, “who will be your leader? Who will procreate if gays rule the world?”
“We elect Sqrl. He has that divine sensibility where you are totally lacking. He will not abuse his powers or claim his voice is singular to all people like you do.”
Magically SqrlCub removes Orion********Orion’s aluminum foil hat. “I will not rule you,” Sqrl simply states, “you all have minds of your owns. I will however help in liberating you from this troll.”
Orion shivers as the FBI’s orbital mind control lasers take effect.
“Wow!” Orion exclaims, “I have needed that for a long time. The world isn’t as simple as I have stated. Look over there, those people look like homosexuals. I love you guys. I see now that I am wholly gay. I was just so frightened that I was not like all the rest of the straights out there… I suppose now I have to go feltch Marlon Brando’s crack addict son.”
“No need,” Sqrl our hero states, “you too have a free will. We will not make you do anything that you are not comfortable with…for that matter, we will not make you do anything that you don’t want to do at all.”
With this everyone was happy, and Orion was never thought of as a troll again…Until one day…(see any negative posts he writes since this one.)
HUGS!
Sqrl
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