A VERY long winded internet dating story, potentially sad ending

[Thinks2Much]

@astro

Wouldn’t 40 hours a weeks as an engineer pay well enough, and be hard enough that he would want to relax on the weekends? If he’s not financially stressed why the hell is he working in bars on the weekends? Engineers usually make enough money to enjoy their off time. I’ve never heard of professional, licensed engineer working as a bar back on weekends. Somehow I really don’t think you have the whole picture in this scenario.

You sound like a good person, and don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes people just need to knew when to stop talking. People who just won’t shut up are simply exhausting, and ultimately annoying, to be around, no matter what their other postitive personal attributes are. You are coming across as borderline desperate to know the status of your very short relationship with him.

It not always polite to recognize this, but many men do enjoy a bit of a chase. If the fox jumps in your lap, and is all over you attention wise, some men tend to vlaue the relationship a bit less. Even “smart” guys. It’s not mature, but it’s reality. Men have to be played like fish in some cases. Give him some line.

Look, he doesn’t work as a “bar back”. He owns his own karaoke business, ok? He is an awesome singer and he likes to show it off. I don’t blame him - he is damn good at it. He has fun doing it, it IS a way for him to unwind, and happens to make him some money. He only does one show a week. But he isn’t a licensed, professional engineer, either. Just a regular run of the mill engineer, like I am. He has child support payments, owns his own home, and lives alone. Houses in this area are very difficult to afford on a single income, even that of an engineer - I should know. I do think I have the whole story on this point at least and that it isn’t an issue.

The other points in your post are fair constructive criticism. The odd thing is, I am usually TOO quiet, actually. People tend to think I am a snob, because I don’t talk much. I only run off at the mouth when I am uncomfortable.

Thanks for your thoughts - candid, which is very valuable.

[peri]

@Thinks2Much

**peri ** - Well, this is exactly what he said the reason was when forced to. He said if it was just going to be about sex, then he wouldn’t care, but it isn’t. He was not happy at being forced to say it, though. So, since you seem to think like he does, what do you think he will do now? Will he let that fear stop him from contacting me again?

I don’t know. (I’m a woman.) I surmise the initial coolness was not because of something you did, but his anxiety over allowing himself to jump in very quickly, something that had not worked in the past. He now has the added embarrassment of having to admit he was scared. Blow to the ego on top of the fear. (When you say forced, what exactly do you mean? If I say I don’t want to talk about something and the other person keeps pushing I get agitated and defensive.)

There seemed to be more than just the sexual connection. Give him a week or so. If you haven’t heard from him and still wish to see him, write him. Say you’re sorry things happened so quickly and suggest having coffee or something. Any meetings you have in the short term should be in places where there can be no opportunity for anything of a sexual nature to occur. Give yourselves the time to get to know one another.

[picunurse]

@Thinks2Much

I have known people who took cocaine, and he was not jittery or hyped up like I have seen in those people. We did talk about drug use that night he told me his life story, and he said he never tried anything like that, and I believe him. (he did tell me about using something else in the past, so I don’t think he was lying to me across the board or he wouldn’t have told me about that one.) However, I have never known anyone first hand who did crystal for sake of comparison.

I HAVE known people who are manic depressive, though, and that was more what I thought I saw - especially with the panic attack he described having the night before our date. He said he woke up at 2:30 am and couldn’t breathe, then couldn’t sleep. He said it was not an uncommon thing for him. He did also mention something about having to go to the doctor to have his kidney function checked, but that it was a long story he would explain some other time. That was how he found out his finger was broken - as long as he was there for his kidney check on Monday, they x-rayed his finger - said he had smashed it at work on Saturday).

So in your opinion as a nurse, would kidney problems result from anything like that?

Kidney disease can be life-changing. If he’s been told he is or may be headed for dialysis, he could very well be depressed. There’s nothing physical that failing kidneys would cause, but there are many aspects that are hard to face.
Dialysis is time consuming and, at least at first, uncomfortable. The drugs that patients must take can cause impotence. Their diet can be quite restrictive. There are other considerations as well. Any of these things could cause one to be depressed. They might also give one second thoughts about asking someone else to share the his life when facing such negative changes.

[Thinks2Much]

@picunurse

Kidney disease can be life-changing. If he’s been told he is or may be headed for dialysis, he could very well be depressed. There’s nothing physical that failing kidneys would cause, but there are many aspects that are hard to face.
Dialysis is time consuming and, at least at first, uncomfortable. The drugs that patients must take can cause impotence. Their diet can be quite restrictive. There are other considerations as well. Any of these things could cause one to be depressed. They might also give one second thoughts about asking someone else to share the his life when facing such negative changes.

My uncle lived with us for 5 years when I was growing up while he was on dialysis, so I know how horrible it can be. I had not considered how this might affect him mentally, though. Thanks for the food for thought.

[Thinks2Much]

@peri

I don’t know. (I’m a woman.) I surmise the initial coolness was not because of something you did, but his anxiety over allowing himself to jump in very quickly, something that had not worked in the past. He now has the added embarrassment of having to admit he was scared. Blow to the ego on top of the fear. (When you say forced, what exactly do you mean? If I say I don’t want to talk about something and the other person keeps pushing I get agitated and defensive.)

There seemed to be more than just the sexual connection. Give him a week or so. If you haven’t heard from him and still wish to see him, write him. Say you’re sorry things happened so quickly and suggest having coffee or something. Any meetings you have in the short term should be in places where there can be no opportunity for anything of a sexual nature to occur. Give yourselves the time to get to know one another.

Sorry I assumed you were a guy!!

As far as forcing his answer, it was just that I asked a direct question he didn’t feel I should ask. But I didn’t badger him to answer me or anything. He could have refused to answer. It was in an email…

Funny you should say that I should write him. That was what I was just thinking I would do. If I don’t hear from him for a week, I probably will do that.

[John_Carter_of_Mars]

Your story was well written and interesting to read.

Let’s look at this: “Life sucks. I had what felt like it could have developed to be the most promising relationship in years, and I screwed it up by sharing too many of my positive thoughts, and by (accidentally) insinuating that he was playing games and trying to pull the disappearing act.”

I don’t agree that you screwed it up. For whatever reason, he backed off. cuauhtemoc stated that this guy isn’t available, and that may well be the case. I don’t buy it that he was just scared by the speed at which things developed. If it had all been as positive for him as it was for you, he would have been eager to come back for more company/conversation/whatever.

Maybe he was just scared and will contact you again, but I wouldn’t get my hopes too high. Somethin’ ain’t right here and the problem’s on his end, not yours.

Good luck. You sound like a great person that deserves to meet a Mr. Right.

[wonky]

@Thinks2Much

I give up. I think I’ll go be a hermit in Alaska. Relationships aren’t worth it.

They are, and you know it. But, this particular relationship may not be worth what you’re struggling with now.

First, I want to talk a little about online dating: It’s both a terrible and a wonderful thing. The way you have to juggle potential mates in your head and heart is a terrible thing. They way you can meet spectacular people you wouldn’t otherwise meet is a wonderful thing.

There are so many possibilities for what’s going on. Someone upthread mentioned how this guy could be trapped in one of those situations where he’s “dating” someone else, but either that relationship isn’t moving forward or something is wrong with it, and then you come along, and he likes you and things start moving, only he’s got part of himself committed to someone else, even if it’s just a sense of loyalty for a relationship that’s a bit older. I’m not claiming that is what has happened, but it could easily be. Why do I think so? Because I ended up in the same situation myself.

I got over a thousand replies to an internet singles ad I put online in 1996. A handful of those replies led to talking on the phone and meeting in person. I fell in love. Oh, well, fine. It was more like falling deeply in like, with a guy from Connecticut. I liked everything about him. He was perfect and I wanted him. I knew I wanted him and I wasn’t going to stop wanting him! He started drifting away, and I met someone else one weekend when I really felt like hell. The someone else? So not for me! Sure he was funny and smart and all, but he wasn’t The Guy. Sure, I met him and he was amazing and he was the best hugger in the world, but he wasn’t The One. And when I told The One that I had met this Other Guy, The One sounded kinda glum, but maybe kinda relieved, too? But no! He couldn’t sound relieved because he was The One and this Other Guy was just a guy and not The One and the hugs and the conversation and the laughter and the love I was getting from the Other Guy just couldn’t make up for the fact that he wasn’t The One and The One was drifting and drifting and drifting and then, of course, I married the Other Guy because I was completely in love with him and invited The One to the wedding.

And, at the same time, I discovered that I was The One for someone else entirely, who was despondent that I was drifting and drifting and drifting and then, after a couple of months, I got invited to his wedding, too.

Seriously, I can’t claim that’s what’s going on, but the way internet romances start sometimes leads to this sort of desperate tap-dancing around and through emotional mine-fields. Things we don’t intend to happen can happen, such as falling in like with someone when we already have a sort of half-assed, purely in our own heads commitment to someone else, and there is much guilt and the only thing we can do is wait to see how it all turns up.

As an equivalent, say you met someone else and he’s pretty special and you talk and you’re attracted, and then this first guy calls. Imagine how torn you’d feel. He might be, possibly, potentially, in a similar boat.

On the other hand, he might be a weiner.

[wonky]

@jsgoddess

On the other hand, he might be a weiner.

Which, considering it’s a whole city, would explain the multiple personalities. :smack:

[John_Carter_of_Mars]

jsgoddess: Holy shit, what go-round you had. If I ever find myself single again I’m gonna’ stick to crusin’ bars, ballgames and libraries. They’ve served me well in the past and you get to deal with one prospect at a time!

[wonky]

@John Carter of Mars

jsgoddess: Holy shit, what go-round you had. If I ever find myself single again I’m gonna’ stick to crusin’ bars, ballgames and libraries. They’ve served me well in the past and you get to deal with one prospect at a time!

Sure, but then you wouldn’t get to marry my husband, now, would you?

Okay, so that didn’t come out quite right.

[Thinks2Much]

@jsgoddess

Which, considering it’s a whole city, would explain the multiple personalities. :smack:

Oh, that’s ok - it made me laugh out loud and I didn’t even notice the misspelling. Thanks, I really needed that laugh.

[Thinks2Much]

@John Carter of Mars

Your story was well written and interesting to read.

Good luck. You sound like a great person that deserves to meet a Mr. Right.

Thank you for the compliments. I tried really hard to make it a good read rather than just a journal-style data dump. I actually attempted to write a novel once, but never had the time to work on it.

Thanks for throwing in your thoughts on the situation, too. I have been changing my mind so much, wavering back and forth between it being his fault and me just expecting too much too quickly for the circumstances. It’s probably both.

[Trunk]

Here’s something for women from one guy’s point of view:

If a guy stops calling and starts acting disinterested, that means he’s breaking up with you.

He’s too uncomfortable to actually say it, which is a form of weakness, not assholia.

If you press him on it (like you keep calling or write him a week later), he won’t come out and say it (further weakness) and you WILL construe it as “he’s stringing me along”.

Believe it or not, the guy may think that this is letting you down easy. He doesn’t want to say the words that will definitely hurt your feelings.

I’ve gone out with women and been of the mindset, “well, I’m out with her, might as well have fun and have a good chat and all”. And then, after sleeping on it, one wakes up and goes, “I really don’t care to see her again.”

So, the next day, the guy is tacitly saying, “we had fun, but I’m breaking it off” and the woman is reading, “he was so nice last night and now he’s cold and distant. what did I do in between? where did I go wrong?”

So, Thinks2Much but you’re thinking 2 much. Let it go.

The reasons he wants to break it off: way too complicated to get into. If a guy really likes a girl, a couple slips of tongue, or moving too fast or moving too slow is never a deal-breaker. Don’t think there’s like a mistake you made and if you just hadn’t done that. one. thing. he’d still be interested. He’s just not interested.
Just out of curiosity, what is a licensed, professional engineer? What’s a run-of-the-mill engineer?

The engineers I know are people with Bachelors or Masters in fields with names like “electrical engineering”, “mechanical engineering”, “civil engineering”. Or they actually drive a train.

[An_Arky]

You become a Licensed Professional Engineer kind of like you become a CPA…You get to stamp your work as such, and it probably is good for more opportunity/money, but it’s not necessary to be one to have a good job/career in Engineering.

[auntie_em]

OK, for a couple of minutes there, I thought you were one of my best friends, who (I swear) had the exact same experience with a guy she met through Match.com (I mean, including the “signature service” in the car after a fabulous second date, and everything.

Were it not for the smaller details you provided, like your profession, his karaoke bar, the fact that you’re both divorced with kids, and your location, I would still be convinced.

The truth is, you just never know what’s going on in someone’s head. And if you can’t get a straight answer when you ask, then there’s nothing to do but . . . well, nothing.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

[Thinks2Much]

@Trunk

Here’s something for women from one guy’s point of view:

If a guy stops calling and starts acting disinterested, that means he’s breaking up with you.

He’s too uncomfortable to actually say it, which is a form of weakness, not assholia.

If you press him on it (like you keep calling or write him a week later), he won’t come out and say it (further weakness) and you WILL construe it as “he’s stringing me along”.

Believe it or not, the guy may think that this is letting you down easy. He doesn’t want to say the words that will definitely hurt your feelings.

I’ve gone out with women and been of the mindset, “well, I’m out with her, might as well have fun and have a good chat and all”. And then, after sleeping on it, one wakes up and goes, “I really don’t care to see her again.”

So, the next day, the guy is tacitly saying, “we had fun, but I’m breaking it off” and the woman is reading, “he was so nice last night and now he’s cold and distant. what did I do in between? where did I go wrong?”

So, Thinks2Much but you’re thinking 2 much. Let it go.

The reasons he wants to break it off: way too complicated to get into. If a guy really likes a girl, a couple slips of tongue, or moving too fast or moving too slow is never a deal-breaker. Don’t think there’s like a mistake you made and if you just hadn’t done that. one. thing. he’d still be interested. He’s just not interested.
Just out of curiosity, what is a licensed, professional engineer? What’s a run-of-the-mill engineer?

The engineers I know are people with Bachelors or Masters in fields with names like “electrical engineering”, “mechanical engineering”, “civil engineering”. Or they actually drive a train.

I have seen this behavior before, women do it, too, which is why I assumed he was going to pull the disappearing act. But the thing is, he didn’t stop calling - well, not until I confronted him about being distant.

[Thinks2Much]

@auntie em

OK, for a couple of minutes there, I thought you were one of my best friends, who (I swear) had the exact same experience with a guy she met through Match.com (I mean, including the “signature service” in the car after a fabulous second date, and everything.

Were it not for the smaller details you provided, like your profession, his karaoke bar, the fact that you’re both divorced with kids, and your location, I would still be convinced.

The truth is, you just never know what’s going on in someone’s head. And if you can’t get a straight answer when you ask, then there’s nothing to do but . . . well, nothing.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

Well, at least I know I am not alone… thanks for sharing.

[hajario]

@An Arky

You become a Licensed Professional Engineer kind of like you become a CPA…You get to stamp your work as such, and it probably is good for more opportunity/money, but it’s not necessary to be one to have a good job/career in Engineering.

The Licensed PE thing is nearly a necessary thing to do for a Civil or Structural Engineer. If you’re a Mechanical or Electrical Engineer and you’re not in the construction industry it’s next to useless and very few people do it.

Haj

[Thinks2Much]

@hajario

The Licensed PE thing is nearly a necessary thing to do for a Civil or Structural Engineer. If you’re a Mechanical or Electrical Engineer and you’re not in the construction industry it’s next to useless and very few people do it.

Haj

He’s mechanical - I’m industrial.
UPDATE!!! So, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I emailed him this morning - I did send him the Bugs Bunny quote, trying to keep from being too serious or deep. I kept it short. I said that I didn’t know what he wanted. If he never wanted to speak to me again, I wouldn’t blame him, and if so, thanks for the time he did give me. If he would speak to me again, I swore to be more rational and patient.

He just wrote back and said he was planning to write or call today anyway to see where I was with the whole thing. He apologized for freaking out and pulling too far back, but ultimately he still thinks he had the right idea in trying to keep us on a slow and steady path. I agree with him. He said we should put the incident behind us, maybe use the terrorist color coding system to warn of future issues, and that he would give me an RSR - relationship status report - if ever the situation warranted it.

I sent a quick reply saying I would like that very much, let us never speak of this unpleasantness again.

I really do think it is more a fear of intimacy from being burned in the past than anything else coming into play on his side. He seems to want to push through that fear. I have my battle scars, too, so I don’t think I should give up just because he wants to take things slow.

[auntie_em]

@Thinks2Much

Well, at least I know I am not alone… thanks for sharing.

Hell, might have been the same guy–he didn’t happen to live in New England a couple of years ago, did he?