“Baseball rules are wrong…man with 4 balls cannot walk.”
“Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.”
“Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.”
C’mon…everyone’s got at least one of these! Bring 'em on!!!
… most everything.
A wise woman once quoted a man. 
:: ducks and runs ::
This is the actual advice my uncle gave me on my wedding day.
“Marriage is like the float in a toilet tank. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down. But for the most part, it’s best when it’s up.”
Words to live by even though I have no idea what he was talking about.
These words of wisdom should keep you safe…for now.
Never sail out to sea on a windsurfer until you’ve learnt to turn around.
Never stick your head in anything that has HEAD REMOVER written on it (Duh).
Never play poker with anyone called “The Professor”
If you are swimming in the Amazon and two crocodiles simultaneously grab on to one of your arms, simply clap your hands together fast and hard and it will stun them, allowing you to swim to safety.
If a Rottweiler starts humping your leg, fake an orgasm.
I hope I have enlightened you.
Men don’t have sex. Women have sex and men try to get it from them.
Gomez, you must be a Magician!
How about… “Many men smoke cigarettes, but few men chew!”
or… “Never eat at a restaurant located next to a pound.”
Courtesy of Steve Martin:
“Always carry a trash bag in your car. It doesn’t take up much room and if it gets full you can just toss it out the window.”
I’d say more like . . . "Your penis is like . . . "
::fleeing amidst full beer bottles::
“There is nothing more over-rated than a bad fuck or more under-rated than a good shit.” College roommate
Idiotboy, how many times do I have to tell you? No web surfing until your homework is done, young man.
As my friend just told me about 5 minutes ago, “Don’t stick out your tongue unless you intend on using it.”
Man who sit on mountain waiting for roast duck to fly in mouth have long wait.
“Life is like a sewer, you only get out of it what you put into it.” Tom Lehrer.
Never play poker with a man named “Doc”, never eat at a place called “Moms”, and never sleep with anyone who’s problems are greater than your own.MTS
Don’t shit in the urinal – My best friend’s dad
“A fool and his money were lucky enough to get together in the first place.”
“Money is always there, but the pockets change.”
“In a fifty-fifty proposition, there are some guys who insist on getting the hyphen too.”
“A race doesn’t always go to the swiftest, nor a battle to the strongest, but that’s the way to bet.”
“Lose magnificently, or not at all.”
“There are no non-profit casinos.”
And my personal favourite, a sort of philosophy to live by:
“Son, no matter how far you travel, or how smart you get, remember this: Some day, somewhere, a guy is going to come to you and show you a nice brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is never broken, and this guy is going to offer to bet you that the jack of spades will jump out of this deck and squirt cider in your ear. But son, do not bet him, for as sure as you do, you are going to get an ear full of cider.”
“Never wake up on the wrong side of the bed when your bed is next to the wall.” --interpret it as you will.
I believe your roommate is paraphrasing Mark Twain, who said something along the lines, “The most over-rated bodily function is fornication, the most under-rated is defication.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy one hell of a good time.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crack-up. 