I invited a friend from my old job in NYC to visit. He’s here until Tuesday. Well, he’s stayed at our house 2 other times (different houses) and was never too annoying. This time is… different. Both my wife and I cannot wait for Tuesday, and his departure. My friend, let’s call him “Bill”, is 50, divorced twice, and has a large circle of friends with whom he stays in contact via cell phone… ALL…THE…TIME.
Since his arrival, the following things have happened:
Bill and his cell phone buddies, for some reason, feel compelled to call each other several times a day and discuss each other’s plans, the plans of their various other friends, and analyze those plans and they went for everybody. I drove Bill and another friend of his (who happens to live nearby) on a road trip Friday evening. 70% of the two hour trip consisted of one, or both, calling their circle o’losers and finding out what each person was going to do for dinner, where they were going afterward, and what the friend thought of the plans of various other friends. The other 30% they spent talking to each other about the phone friends, usually about how the other friends were losers. (Pot, meet kettle.)
We went to a minor league baseball game Thursday night. Bill, on his cell phone to a friend, discussed, rather loudly, some appetizing topics, such as how he had been taking antibiotics for a urinary infection! :eek: I wanted to crawl under home place and wait for a sliding score attempt to put me out of my misery.
He’s committed various other transgressions over the weekend, all of which would have Emily Post giving him the finger: restaurant trips in which he ate (mouth open) with various sounds you normally only hear from cows; picking out food from his teeth with his finger, at the table, etc.
He’s always been a little unaware of his own manners, but has suddenly ratcheted up the utterly boorish behavior, for no reason I can fathom. I’ve never had too much trouble putting up with his oddities (nor has my wife) in the past; but we just can’t take this sudden tenfold increase in ill manners.
The kicker is - we’ve already decided not to have him back as a guest (duh), but he’s actually pushing for another visit over the winter! Believe it or not, up until now he’s been such a nice guy I really can’t turn around and say “Sorry, Bill, but you can never darken our doorstep again”. Other than the manners, he’s always willing to do anything for anyone, including us. So, I guess I could use some advice in letting him know he isn’t coming back - but in a nice way.
I guess you could just avoid making definite plans for him coming back and brushing it off if he brings it up saying we can worry about it when the time comes. And then if he calls you later about it just make up some excuse, assuming you answer his call.
I’d actually speak up and honestly tell him that you are annoyed by some of his behavior. Calmly, sympathetically, but clearly.
“Look Bill, this cell phone thing drives me fucking nuts. You’re on the phone all the time when I thought you were here to spend time with us. It seems kind of (disrespectful/rude/anti-social) of you to be constantly talking to other people instead of me.”
“Bill, I really don’t want to listen to you yell about your urinary infection in a public place. Did it ever occur to you how loudly you speak on your cell phone and how embarassing it is to listen to? You’re not just doing that to me, Bill, but to everyone near you. Please tone it down and watch what you’re talking about at public events, eh?”
The open mouth thing? I guess I’d be downright rude. I hate that.
“Bill, when you were a kid, you learned how to eat with your mouth closed, didn’t you? Well right now you’re chewing your cud a bit too loudly. Zip it.”
Then with the visit;
“Bill, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m not sure that I want you to come back for another visit when your visit consists of spending all your time talking to other people. It really comes off like you aren’t interested in us as anything other than a free meal and bed. Let us think about it and see where things go, but right now we’re not too sure about it.”
Unless you want to hurt his feelings, blunt isn’t an option.
My suggestion is to start a fight with him. If you know some way to irritate the piss out of him, do it. Be a complete asshole, and he’ll feel righteous, petulant anger instead of betrayal.
I see a problem. It’s Not Rocket Surgery! said Bill had stayed with them before, and wasn’t too objectionable. Now, all of a sudden, he is. Like he has some kind of problem in his life and needs… something. Help. Compassion. I hate to sound like a tree-hugger…
A blunt option could be to grab his cell phone and throw it out a car window, or in a lake, or something. Something fatal to it. Could cost you the price of the phone… but the point would be clearly made.
As for his chewing… meh. Some people are pigs. Can’t really be helped.
The loud talking, butt scratching, open-mouth munching and teeth cleaning, let them go. As we age, our quirks level up. You yourself might have one or two new annoyances since his last visit. Don’t focus on this.
The cell phone thing is a real issue.
I really liked **if6was9’s ** idea. For the low low price of a cell phone, you get to make a very clear point, create a great story to tell (whether the friendship survives it or not) and solve the problem even if he is not cooperative.
A less physical alternative is to just tell him that he is welcome to come anytime as long as he doesn’t bring his cell with him. Say no more. Let him reach his own conclusions. If he asks, then elaborate and explain how you feel about it.
I’d let all of it go except the cell phone thing. That’s really obnoxious.
If you really don’t want to see him again, have an excuse ready when he calls. Eventually he’ll get the picture.
We had a “Bill” who came by to work on my computer. Not only did he fuck it up more, but it took him three days to do so! Oh. My. God. I just wanted him to vaporize. I’ll never invite him here again. He was The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.
See what not speaking up about manners lead up to. The issues snowball until you can’t stand the person. Correct him when he eats like a pig. Steal his battery. Don’t commit to a visit in winter.
Move house before winter, and conveniently forget to let anyone know where you’ve gone. Failing that, let him come to visit and then buy yourself a mobile signal blocker. Or hide his cellphone. Or ring him constantly when you’re both in the house, because he obviously prefers to communicate that way.
Treat it like you would a friend who you don’t want to smoke cigarettes in your house…
“Bill we really value your friendship but your cell phone habit has gotten out of hand! We’d love to have you stay with us, but the cell phone is going to have to be turned off when you’re in the house.” (I know if would be nice to eliminate it all together but I don’t think that’s realistic)
You set the ground rules and if he agrees to it then maybe you’ll have a nice visit next time.
Maybe if someone’s 90 and can barely muster the strength to keep their lower jaw hitched up while they chew. Or if they’re suffering from dementia (which is not entirely impossible in this case, though it would be rare). Otherwise, age is no excuse, and certainly not being 50.
Yeah, this is what I’d do too. I’m not much for insulting people and I don’t feel I have either the right or the obligation to parent (i.e., correct the manners of) people who are full grown. So I’d be making vague mouth noises at this point ("we’ll have to see . . . it’s always great to spend time with you but we have a busy winter planned . . . ") and then I’d be busy whenever he suggests it again. This may not work, of course. Depending on how persistent he is (“Not February? That’s okay, I’m free all of March too!”) you may have to either end the friendship or have him again. If he’s a good friend and he’s persistent, I’d probably have him again but I’d try to limit the visit to only a few days and only after it was clear Resistance Was Futile.
I think Pool’s answer was by far the best. Don’t solidify future plans and then be found busy. All the other suggestions are valid in the event you and your wife wish to keep the friendship of this “gentleman”. Since you obviously do not, why both with correcting his behavior?
And people wonder why their lives and relationships are so fucked up.
Yeah, passive-aggressive is the way to go. No confrontation, no ugly scene, no bad emotions (except the guilt inside). No need to keep relationships that make you feel uncomfortable, no need to do anything about those relationship issues, major or minor. Just stop talking to the person and pretend hard enough and it will all go away!
I’m mystified about the need to “make excuses.” If the guy’s behavior is so bothersome that he’s not welcome, then simply don’t invite him to visit. As has been pointed out, “It ain’t rocket surgery.”
If, on the other hand, he tries to wrangle an invitation, don’t take the bait.
“Hi, I’m wondering if I can come visit next February?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“Well, how about March?”
“No, that’s not going to work either.”
If he persists and wants a reason - give me a reason.
“No, you can’t come visit. You talk on your cell phone when you’re here instead of visiting with us and your manners aren’t acceptable.”
If people were more upfront with each other, the world would turn so much more smoothly.
