Abortion Experiences

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is an extremely touchy subject, so let’s all stop and take a deep breath…Whew.

I am asking anyone who has had a personal experience with abortion to share. It could have been you, a significant other, best friend, etc. I don’t expect too many responses, since this is such a very personal and possibly painful subject. But I need as much advice/input as possible.

Background: One of my dear friends, who is only 17, told me yesterday that she is pregnant. There is no way she can keep this baby, although her boyfriend wants it. I won’t go into too much detail, but it will impossible to put it up for adoption, and the boy she is with is borderline abusive. Basically her only option that makes sense is abortion. She already told me, when I was trying to talk her into trying just about anything else, that if she can’t get a legal abortion she will get rid of this baby herself. She’s adament (sp?) about it. But I want to stay away from that area of this discussion. Please do not reply if you’ve no experience to offer and only want to chime in about how bad abortion is. I respect your opinion, but it won’t help my friend. In Louisiana, you must have notarized parental consent or a court order if you’re under 18. Since neither of those options are plausible, she’s considering getting a fake ID to get the procedure, or trying out herbal abortions. Simply put, none of her options are good ones, but for her, abortion seems best.

Any expeience of insight would be much appreciated. I want to help this girl as much as possible.

2

Why is the parental consent option not possible? (you didn’t say).

3

Both of her parents are devout Catholics and would rather keep the baby at all costs, even if it means she would be stuck with an abusive husband and a child at age seventeen. They’d also force her to marry the father. She has not told them yet, since she is only three weeks pregnant and found out a couple of days ago.

4

When I was 18, I discovered that I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided that an abortion was the best option for us. We went to planned parenthood and I had an abortion. It helped very much that my boyfriend was very supportive about it, and he stayed with me through the whole thing.

I was scared of the procedure, I didn’t know much about it and I went to a catholic school, all I could think of was how evil I was.

The abortion itself was not all that bad. The emotional toll it had on me was. I felt very guilty for a long time and I still do.

Years later, I am married to the boyfriend, We have two children. But I also had two still born children and a miscarriage. I know that they were not related to the abortion, but I do wonder if things could have been different if I hadn’t had it.

Maybe your friend should seek counseling to help her deal with any decision that she makes. If the guy is abusive, I don’t think marriage is a very good option either.

Bottom line, I regret it. It’s a personal decision.

I wish your friend luck.

5

Thank you for your response, dragongirl. All of the women I have talked to IRL said that they felt the same way you do. They still feel guilty and wonder how things might have turned out had they made a different decision. In our state it is mandatory that one receive counseling before an abortion, so maybe that will help her out a bit.

6

Crispy, would you mind if I emailed you about this? I have some things I’d like to kind of tell you about, but am not comfortable putting it out on the board.

7

Feel free to email me. I’m pretty sure the v-bulletin email link works for me.

8

I remember my senior year in High School, I was helping staff a retreat for my Church. I forget what the purpose of it was, but the final night there was a big thing with Confirmation (it was Catholic, by the way). One of the girls was really upset, and in trying to comfort her and let her know things were going to be alright, she told me she was terribly upset because she had had an abortion a while back. She was 14 at the time of the retreat. Being Catholic, I know that I’m supposed to condemn such a thing, but honestly…a fourteen year old girl, what are the chances of her raising a child by herself? She said she did it because her boyfriend wanted her to, and she was in love, so she did it and he promptly left her. Go figure. So, she had to deal with the guilt. And she felt guilty.

But, even being “Catholic,” I still can’t help but feel she did the right thing. I personally feel abortions are terrible things, and if I ever got into a situation where I got a girl pregnant, I would do everything in my power to help keep the child and raise it. But your friend’s situation, and this young girl’, are a LOT more difficult than anything I could get involved in. Hence, the problem.

If raising the child is ABSOLUTELY NOT an option, and giving up for adoption won’t work (why not, just out of curiosity?), then she should definitely look into getting it done LEGALLY and by PROPER MEDICAL STAFF!!! I would tell the parents of the situation before I let her try to “get rid of it on her own.” Just because they’re Catholic doesn’t mean they’re not understanding. Everyone gets preachy about topics until it happens to one of their own. THen ideas change. They should be made aware. They may not agree with the abortion, but I seriously doubt they’d force a marriage, especially if the boyfriend is abussive. I could be wrong, I don’t know these people. But family support in a situation like this is important.

Whether or not she tells her parents, she should definitely dump the guy. And if she is to go through with it without her parents’ knowledge, again, I implore you, make sure she does it safely and legally (asside from the use of fake ID or forged parental signature).

best of luck to your friend.

9

Adoption is not possible because of the boyfriend. He wants the baby and swears that if she tries to put it up for adoption he’ll go to court, etc. I pointed out to her that all of the rights are hers, and that she doesn’t have to name a father. But she “could never hurt him like that”. And chances are, if she names him as father, he will get the baby. He’s got the money, a steady job, and he’d have family support. That’d be wonderful for the child, except that the dad plans to use the baby as a tool to keep my friend around. He knows if the kid is that easily accessible, she will mother it. And she’s the typical woman in an abusive relationship. She knows she should get out, but she’s stuck. Him having the kid would make it a hundred times worse. He won’t even accept an open adoption. I am trying to talk her into telling her parents, but she refuses. I do think that I have her talked into a professional procedure though. I told her I’d be her ride, confidante, so on if she decided that this was the ONLY way to go. Quite frankly, I’m afraid it will be.

10

Is it possible that you both could take a road trip to another state where she wouldn’t require the parental consent?

11

Be careful if you take jinwicked’sadvice, even though it may be the most attractive option. I don’t know how old you are, but in many states with restrictive abortion laws, it is a crime for someone to take a minor who is not their child out of state to obtain an abortion.

If that is the road you decide to take, I suggest talking to a lawyer. There may be a way to do it that’s not illegal, or at least minimize you exposure.

Abe Babe, Esq. (not Louisiana tho’)

12

We considered going out of state, but c’mon, what state around Louisiana would provide a better option? I’m pretty sure she checked up on it, and they’re all basically the same. So not only would we run the risk of getting caught with the fake ID, but I’d get in trouble for driving her. Sigh The conservative South…

By the way, I’m only 18.

13

Well first things first.

My experience with abortions have been this:

I have two sisters both have had an abortion.
My sister-in-law has also had one.

Both my sisters had abortions when they were in college. Both regret doing it. The younger of the two now has three children of her own but has had HORRIBLE pregnancies every time. I will take this opprotunity to say to dragongirl “I know that they were not related to the abortion” Don’t count on it.

Sister-in-law: got pregnant at age 16 or 17 (said she got rapped which was total bullshit). Mother and Father-in-law loads up the whole family and goes to the abortion clinic. (in cheery voice) Made a family outing of the whole event. The emotional scares to my wife (who was 12 at the time) have been significant. Sister-in-law also has one child and had an unusually bad pregnancy and delivery.

Now that that is over with I am going to say that your friends “excuses” for abortion being the “only” option is bullshit. First of all what is “borderline abusive”? Secondly if the father wants the child let him have it. If she isn’t mature enough to leave the SOB in the first place if he is abusive and if she isn’t mature enough to walk away from this child after delivery then she sure as fuck should have left her goddamn panties on in the first fucking place.:smack:

All that being said I don’t want you to think that my anger is directed at you in any way shape or form. It just angers me that people (young and older) refuse to take responsiblity for their own actions. You are in between a rock and a hard place and I don’t envy you in that respect. The parents should be brought into this situation no matter what. Finally on a last note if she is 18 and can’t tell her parents to fuck off about her decisions then here is just one more reason she shouldn’t have been having sex in the first place. Whats done is done tell her to suck it up and take responsibility.

14

Did you read the posts? She’s not 18, she’s underage–hence the difficulties with obtaining the abortion. And I don’t see anyone refusing to take responsibility for anything here. I see a poster trying to help a young girl who, very rightly, understands that having a baby is not a wise choice at this time in her life. Seems to me women of any child-bearing age might find themselves in a similar situation and maturity could have zero to do with it.
If you want to see immaturity and lack of responsibility, look up some articles on girls who deny they’re pregnant the entire time, who abandon babies in dumpsters, who give birth in hotel rooms and drown their children in the toilet. Then come back here and say this girl isn’t trying to address the issue to the best of her abilities.
And for the record, I had a HORRIBLE pregnancy too. But oddly, I’ve never had an abortion, imagine that.

bella

15

My knowledge on this topic could not be less, but aren’t there resources on line worth checking out? I have heard about Emily’s List, which is a Political Action Coalition based in D.C. which focuses on abortion rights, IIRC. Then Planned Parenthood. Heck, it would be worth checking Google for topics like “abortion rights” (or more narrowly focused on Louisiana, etc…).

Ultimately, what I am suggesting is to get more information - about options available to your friend. Some may be above board, some may lead to alternative options - I have no idea. Whatever she does, make sure a legitimate doctor is involved.

also, can she begin getting relationship abuse counseling now (on her own) so she can better assert her rights and independence with this boyfriend.

16

Tough question. All I can say is that trying to obtain an abortion on a fake ID or through back-alley methods should be avoided at all costs. Undoubtedly there are no good options here, but the most likely for her long-term emotional health would be to somehow convince her parents to support her in obtaining an abortion or putting the child up for adoption.

Abortion is surely no reset button; I know of several women who have had the procedure (including my own ex-SO), and even when done in the most compassionate and caring manner possible it is emotionally scarring. OTOH, it is surely more responsible for the mother to have the procedure done than attempt to raise a child in a hostile environment.

Oh, and nswgru1, nice compassionate attitude you have there.

17

I had to think about this for a second…your friend’s parents should be reminded that, if they are “devout Catholics,” they’d know that under Catholic law, no one can be forced to marry. Intent and consent are explicit requirements of marriage in the Catholic Church; hence, the parents’ coercion would likely create an invalid marriage. That’s assuming they found a priest willing to marry them in the first place. (Sure, they could get a civil marriage, but without the religious ceremony it would still be considered illicit.)

IANA Lawyer, but given that your friend is 17, she’s likely still under the guardianship of her parents, who would therefore have a legal obligation of continued care for their daughter regardless of her circumstances. Hence, if there’s any other threat going on here (i.e., “marry him or you’re out of the house”), it’d possibly be tantamount to child abuse. (I know this only because I recently had to research whether a parent can coerce a child into having an abortion under Pennsylvania law.)

Hope that helps.

18

OK belladonna my mistake about the age issue, but the fact that she is only 17 instead of 18 has absolutely nothing to do with the point I was making. The point that I was trying to make was that:

Both of her parents are devout Catholics and would rather keep the baby at all costs, even if it means she would be stuck with an abusive husband and a child at age seventeen. They’d also force her to marry the father. (bolding mine)

How can a girl of age 17 be forced to marry the father. This is not only illogical it is a downright false statement.

Now lets look at this situation for just a minute. It looks like this young girl has five options.

  1. Have an abortion.
  2. Have the baby and try to raise it on her own
  3. Have the baby and get married to the father and they both raise the child.
  4. Have the baby put it up for adoption.
  5. Have the baby and let the father raise the child

Yes # 1 is an option but is it the best option? In my opinion no.

#2 She could do it a lot of young single mothers do make it.

#3 I wouldn’t recomend this because this scumbag probably is just that.

#4 “Adoption is not possible because of the boyfriend. He wants the baby and swears that if she tries to put it up for adoption he’ll go to court, etc.”

#5 Now lets look at this for just a second. Why is this not a viable option. Now we have all heard that the father is “borderline abusive” again I have to ask just what in the holy hell is “borderline abusive”? This does not specifically mean that the father will be “borderline abusive” towards this child. Secondly it sounds as if the father could provide a good stable home to this child. " He’s got the money, a steady job, and he’d have family support. That’d be wonderful for the child" by this girls own admission it would be a good environment for the child. Lets look at the bad aspects. " except that the dad plans to use the baby as a tool to keep my friend around. He knows if the kid is that easily accessible, she will mother it." Here we go again lack of responsiblity to take charge of her own life.

belladonna I am not picking on you but this is a clear case of having an abortion out of convienience. There are clearly other options available to this young girl and abortion should be the last.

By the way could you please show me where in the hell I said women who have had abortions are the only women to have difficult pregnancies? I would really like to see that.

**dragongirl ** my apologies after reviewing what I wrote it sounded very insensitive and I am sorry. I didn’t intend it to be that way.

And before anybody accuses me of being a crazy right wing christian you are dead wrong I happen to be Jewish.;j

19

While I have no experience with the matter at hand, I believe that the issues involved are much too serious for this girl to handle alone (or even with the support of a friend such as yourself). Not only does she have the immediate issue of the pregnancy, but she also seems to have the issue of being in a controlling and potentially abusive relationship. I’d recommend that she speak with Planned Parenthood or another advocacy group (the local health department may be able to make recommendations) who can give her not only place to discuss her options, but can also give her information on how to seek help for the other issues in her life. It isn’t a crime or show of weakness to need, and ask for, help.

20

Sounds like your friend feels hopeless trying to face either her parents or her boyfriend, but since she’s underage, she’s probably going to have to alienate one or the other. Clearly, the boyfriend is the one to let go - even though she probably won’t.

I was not yet 18 when I got pregnant in 1960. My very Catholic parents were devastated. At that time, it was a family disgrace. I didn’t have an abortion, but I went about handling things my own way - much to my parents’ dismay. I lived with friends rather than going to the Catholic home for unwed mothers, and arranged for what was at the time called a “grey market” adoption.

Bottom line: If they’re truly devout Catholics, their initial reaction will heal with time. That’s the thing about caring parents - no matter what, you’re always their child and they love you even when they’re angry at and socially embarrassed by your actions. My mother actually wouldn’t talk to me for a year or so, but she did get over it. On the other hand, if they’re just lip-service Cathoics, I suppose they could be selfish enough to act as you predict they would. I hope they’ll be there for her.

She’s scared out of ther mind, so abortion seems the only answer. If she can’t conquer that fear and insists on abortion, please do everything you can to help her do it in a medically sound manner. No weird herbs or coat hangers. We don’t want to lose two lives.