Abortion Experiences

In My Humble Opinion
21

FYI: I’ve never had an abortion, though I know people who have. They’ve struggled with feelings of guilt, but also feel that they did the only thing that was truly feasible.

I’m thinking, as other posters have mentioned, that it’d be good for your friend to seek out some mental therapy, for a couple reasons:

First: It seems (from your posts) that she knows that this relationship isn’t putting any “fun” in “dysfunctional” - the last thing she needs is to stay with this guy and procreate once again, ending up in a similar boat. It seems that this relationship needs to end in order for your friend to be mentally healthy.

Second: You seem to say that the problem with adoption is that she’s mentally controlled by him, to some degree. She knows she can’t deal with sole custody or bear the thought of hurting him, yet knows what could happen if she allows him to take custody (the kid would be the tether that’d keep her roped into some sort of relationship with this guy). She’s between the proverbial rock & hard place.

Perhaps if she agrees to get some therapy, she’ll be able to extricate herself from the relationship and, more importantly, the mindset that she’s in (“He’s controlling, but I know he loves me”).

And yes, I know that things are complicated by the fact that the clock is ticking, but I don’t know what to tell you about that - I’m just offering the best advice I can think of.

Oh, and along those lines - would it be feasible for her to move in with another family member who’d be more sympathetic to her concerns for a while? I don’t know if that’d neccessarily solve anything, but it might give her some space to think.

22

She may find her parents will e more suportive than she thinks. When my sister told my (devoutly Catholic) parents she was pregnant, they urged her not to marry the guy just because of the pregnancy. She married him anyway and 2 years later he abandoned her when she was pregnant with their second child and wouldn’t abort. The truth is, she’s a child still and needs the help of her parents. Unless she would be in physical danger from them, she should take the problem to them.

StG

23

Crispy,

I was there for a friend from the beginning to the end. It was awful. I went with her to find out if she was pregnant. She was. In her mind there was no alternative to abortion. So I researched the facilities, procedures (so she would know what to expect), and costs. I took her to the clinic and then kept her at our family’s lake house for the weekend so she could “recover.”

A few months later, when she was stable, I asked her if she could have done it over, would she have done things the same way? Her answer was no, she would not have had an abortion - she would have dealt with the wrath(sp?) of her parents, etc. rather than go through it again.

Unfortunately, she and I eventually drifted apart and didn’t see one another for the rest of college (even though we had been best friends). I think I reminded her of sad times even though I was the one that helped her through everything. :frowning:

Don’t get me wrong, the loss of her friendship was still worth the support I gave her in her time of need (I’d want someone to do the same for me).

Hope something here helps.

24

Well, I can’t believe I’d stick my neck out because I don’t talk about this on the boards, but I had to speak up.

I had an abortion. My overwhelming feeling then, as it is now? Relief. I was young, in school, and the father of the baby (and ex-boyfriend) was a complete and utter bastard who told me he doubted it was his anyway. I was not a minor, so I did not have difficulty acquiring the procedure. I told no one, doing it all myself with the help of my (new) boyfriend and a loan from his fraternity brother. I later discussed it with the school nurse, who nearly cried and said they would’ve helped me find a better place and made it easier if only I had gone to them.

I had no problem carrying and delivering a healthy child later, and I take great joy in my son.

I suggest your friend go to a Planned Parenthood clinic and see what they have to say about being able to get this procedure as a minor. She may not have options, but it won’t hurt to find out instead of speculating.

In her shoes, I think I’d disappear without telling the boyfriend I was pregnant. I’d find a supportive home for unwed mothers located where the boyfriend cannot find me (and in a state where the father is not legally required to be named on the birth certificate), then find a loving family to adopt and raise the baby. I realize this plan also has its moral problems, but as a mother who has seen the difference a GOOD father makes in the life of a child, I could live with the knowledge that I denied an unfit father his rights by never informing him.

This is not an easy problem. It never is. Thanks for being a friend to your friend.

25

If you can prevent it don’t let her “try out” an herbal abortion or “taking care of it herself”. If she is going to get an abortion she needs to go to a medical doctor. You don’t “try out” things on an unborn child. What if it doesn’t work? It could be very bad for the baby and the mother. (i.e. baby not aborted but born with medical problems or mother messing up her chances to have a baby in later years or even death to the mother.)

I hate to say it, but if you find out for sure she is planning something like this and you don’t think her parents will physically harm her then you need to tell them yourself. They can’t force her to marry. I guess if they are evil people they can kick her out, but being kicked out is better then being dead.

26

Physical abuse isn’t the only kind of abuse. That said…I think she should tell them, but only when she’s ready to.

Most states that have parental consent laws also allow you to go to court and get a judge’s permission instead. Is this an option for her? I don’t know what’s legally involved in that, or the time frame, but it’s one option that hasn’t been mentioned yet.

Given the alternatives of obtaining an abortion through an illegal provider, a fake ID, or crossing state lines…I would seriously urge NOT seeking a back-alley abortion.

Been there myself…thought I was pregnant, was unmarried, in college, and with a guy I didn’t want to raise a kid with. Went through emotional hell with him for two weeks before I could do the pregnancy test. Fortunately, I wasn’t pregnant, and had I been, I was old enough to get an abortion…but I would have had to ask my parents for money to do it. I thought they wouldn’t understand.

Now, nine years later, after they’ve supported me through a divorce, kicking out an abusive boyfriend, and numerous other things…I know they would have. Hopefully your friend’s parents will surprise her, too.

Corr

27

Corrvin - I understand physical abuse isn’t the only kind, however, her parents probably aren’t going to be happy with her. And they’ll probably let her know it. She’s 17 - she hasn’t long to remain at home anyway. If her parents help her but give her grief, I think she should be able to deal with that. There are consequences of her actions, and she’s going to have to live with them.

StG

28

I am curious.
If Crispy helps out the friend and in a worse case scenario, something bad happens…

Can Crispy get in trouble because she’s an adult and her friend isn’t?

Could the friend’s parents take legal action on Crispy?

29

Being a guy, I never had to have one, but I did have a friend. Another friend of mine got her pregnant, and then talked her into having an abortion. I had to sit with her bawling her eyes out for a long time after that because she “murdered her baby” (her words). It seriously screwed her up, and it screwed up my friend who got her pregnant. The guilt was incredible. At 17, her parents have a right to be involved in any medical decision that effects thier daughter. Thats why there is a law on the books saying so.

30

Crispy, your friend is very lucky to have someone as caring, intelligent, and supportive as you are looking out for her. I’ve never had an abortion myself, but I can speak briefly about another friend’s experience. She was 21, had been dating someone off and on for about 6 months, had been using birth control, doing all the responsible safer sex things you’re supposed to do, and got pregnant. She had an abortion at Planned Parenthood. She told me that while she felt sad, she didn’t feel guilty. She loves kids and wants children of her own someday.

My brother had a slightly different experience. He got a friend of his pregnant and they decided to put the baby up for adoption. They were very lucky, in that their baby was white and healthy and they found a really loving adoptive family for him. However, although I think the situation turned out really, really well for all involved, there were plenty of tears and pain involved nonetheless. The pregnancy caused a lot of stress in her family and my family. Her mother was an incredible bitch about the whole thing.

A woman’s response to an abortion (or giving her child up for adoption) is going to be a highly individualized one. Some will feel guilty, some will have regrets, and some will feel that they ultimately made the right decision. I suspect that many women feel all three of these things together.

I would advise your friend to talk to the folks at Planned Parenthood and see what advice they can offer. Remember, as other posters have pointed out, her parents cannot force her to marry him.

Good luck.

31

Ok, here’s my two cents.

I had an abortion when I was 17 and in high school. My boyfriend and I were scared to death, but sat down and discussed our options. We made our decision based on our ages, our ability to support a child financially, our ability to properly raise a child emotionally, etc.

His mom took me to the clinic because he had a class he couldn’t miss (not a bad thing). She was so supportive. She even shared with me her expeirience with having to get an illegal backalley abortion when she was young, and how grateful she was that it was legal for me.

It didn’t mess me up, physically or emotionally. Almost 20 years later, I know it was the right choice.

And to those who might fault my decision- fuck you. Were YOU YOURSELF going to adopt my baby, or got to work so I could stay home? Then shut up about MY choice and stick to your own.

32

I had an abortion 3 years ago. The father was the man who is now my husband. We are expecting our first baby in about a month and I have had a disgustingly easy and pleasant pregnancy.

What surprised me about my abortion and the aftermath was how unhorrible it was. The procedure itself was pretty painless, over quickly and performed by the kind and caring OB/GYN who is still my doctor and who I have been seeing through my pregnancy. Recovery was easy and uncomplicated.

I do occasionally think about what might have been, but I never regret for one moment the choice I made, nor do I feel any guilt. Abortion can be a terrible thing for some women, and I’d never presume to say what anyone else should do. But I think it is a fallacy to think that all abortions are painful, scary and upsetting and that they will result in years of sorrow and guilt.

Twiddle

33

PLEASE tell your friend to go to Planned Parenthood. If there’s not one near her, go online, find out where there is one, and see if they will provide guidance or a phone referral. My sister has had THREE abortions with them (OK, she’s not the best example of good decision-making, but at least the Planned Parenthood part made sense). She thinks they are the greatest thing since sliced bread.

She initially wanted to have the baby on at least two of the three occasions (which I think would have been a really bad decision on her part, as neither she nor each of the fathers was ready to deal with a baby, or a fourth baby in one case), but said they were wonderful about listening and presenting alternatives without being judgemental. (They were much less judgemental than I was, since I think she was not at all responsible about contraception, because on some level she really wants to have babies, but just hasn’t found the right person yet.) And in any case, they should be up to speed on state law regarding parental consent, since they lobby on these issues.

My sister still regrets the abortions, but who knows to what extent she would have regretted having babies in her situation? At least they were performed in a safe and supportive environment.

34

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and has tried to help out. I appreciate that most of you have respected my request to not preach or fuss. I’m not pointing fingers, but I feel that certain posters have no real understanding of the psychology of abuse and are being rather rude in their assumptions. Please try to understand that it isn’t as easy to leave an abusive SO as it would seem. BTW, I called him borderline abusive. By this I mean I have witnessed him jerk her around violently and emotionally manipulate her. All of this in front of me, not in private. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said borderline.

As of this afternoon, she has talked to Planned Parenthood, and feels that they haven’t helped a bit. That’s just because she won’t tell them what the boyfriend is insisting on or how he treats her. I’m trying to convince her to go talk to them face to face. Of course, I’ll go for moral support.

I’m still working on getting her to tell her parents, though I don’t think it’s likely that she will. Her mother was in the same situation as her, and married the guy. Twice. Even though both of those marriages didn’t work out well, she will definitely try to force that on my friend. And the way she and her family are, they would probably be able to make her do it. She’s not very assertive.

To those of you who have expressed concern about her “trying it herself”, the whole reason I’m so very involved in this (other than being her friend) is to avoid that at all costs. I want to help her make the safest, wisest[sub]Is that a word?[/sub] decision she can.

35

I have three friends that have had abortions.

Rather than go into second-hand accounts of what they teel me they feel, I’ll say this:

Get your friend to a Planned Parenthood. Not only will they educate her but it’s entirely possible that they will act as an advocate.

They’re a great organization that offer expertise in a lot of areas regarding women’s health. Heck, when I was a poor, uninsured twenty something, I went there for low-cost paps and birth control. They usually work on a sliding fee scale. You pay what you can afford.

BTW, Here ( http://www.plannedparenthood.org/library/ABORTION/StateLaws.html ) it says that the consent of only ONE parent is needed in LA. Maybe her father will be more reasonable than her mother.

36

I just reread that link.

It says (bolding mine):

Are you sure that she needs consent? Or does one parent just have to be notified?

Go to Planned Parenthood. They’ll give you the Straight Dope.

37

Actually – and I don’t mean to sound insensitive – but if there’s been some scarring of the uterine wall, this could increase the likelihood of miscarriage.

Sorry to hear about your misfortunes, BTW. I’ve known several women in the same straits, and I know it’s not easy.

38

Crispy,

Please forgive me for saying that I read your question but I did not read all of the responses. I will only say that, at 17, I had an abortion (In Texas, where it’s LEGAL) and I have never felt I made a wrong decision. The Doctor and nurses were wonderful, sweet and supportive. It was not painful. It was not a bad experience. I knew I couldn’t care for a baby and did not want to do so. And, I have NEVER felt guilty about my decision.

The only shitty thing I remember about that experience was the picket line and how people shouted me down as I crossed the line into the clinic. What a crap thing to do to a young girl! However, they no longer do that sort of thing at the clinic I attended, which has been in business a great many years now. If that’s what she wants to do, please respect her decision.

-p.

39

Also, as a side note, no parental consent was needed.

p.

40

Crispy,

There is an herbal “cocktail” that is out there and have experienced it, but I suggest you talk to a homeopathic doc or an herbalist and I also recommend that your friend look to alternatives to getting surgical abortion out side of the state. Both options can be harmful.

There are so many things that can go wrong, she needs to be honest as she can and not be a “Jane Doe” outside of the state if something goes wrong. Her parents will need to be notified if something goes wrong.

I am sorry she is going through this at this time. I wish I felt comfortable enough with giving you more options but given your friends age, it could hold me and the SDMB at legal odds if I were to blatently give you more alternatives that aren’t legal, could put your friend in medical harm, etc…

I am a pro-choice person, completely. I know of women and (can’t believe I am saying this) I have experienced abortion.

I can tell you that it will be a thing (no matter herbal or surgery) a thing that your friend will need your shoulder on. She will experience loss. But because of your ages and the legal stuff, I can’t do it in good conscience.

I do know that some states will put a judge in charge of her “decision” is there a chance that a close adult friend or a school counsilor can be talked to about this? I don’t know if Louisiana law allows that, but you might look into that.

This is why I am TOTALLY pro-choice. This girl is placed in the worst possible position. She may be legally a minor but she still has ideas of what is best for her and that should NEVER be put aside, ever. It’s a woman’s body, her world, her God, her life. If she makes that choice, that is her choice and she will have to deal with consequences with her “God” or whatever it is she does for her spritial being. But by God, a 14-20 year old should never be forced to bear and/or keep children she is not ready to have. Either way it messes with her mind, no matter the decision. I know this personally.

I want to cry for her. Tell your friend that she has a woman in Colorado wishing for her the best, no matter the outcome. :frowning: