Happens.
See how perceptions can be so different? My take on this sidebar:
fessie:Blah, blah some innocous comment on Priceguy’s post, blah, blah.
Priceguy: That’s why I hate you, fessie!
fessie:Huh? Sorry to have hurt your feelings. Didn’t mean to.
Priceguy: Of course you hurt my feelings. That’s why I hate you.
fessie: Well, sorry if I hurt your feelings.
Priceguy: I don’t want your apology. That’s why I hate you!
Everybody else: Damn, Priceguy. Take it down a notch.
Priceguy: Hey, it aint me it’s all of YOU flying off the handle! Shut up about it already.
O.K. NOW you can say I’m harping on it, Priceguy.
You’re harping on about it.
Fuck, there’s so much goddamn harping going on that I’m expecting posts from Chico and Groucho!
And three hard-boiled eggs, GODDAMNIT!
heh. I don’t even know what’s under discussion.
OK, I’ll wade in on Priceguy’s side. I think fessie was the one jumping to conclusions here. Plenty of people have chimed in saying that banishing an SO to the couch is not for them. Priceguy just stated it a little differently. The problem is fessie has no idea how egregious the statement would have to be for Priceguy to boot his SO. He’s not saying that any disagreement is a banning offense. He’s just saying that there are only two choices: share the bed or leave the relationship. We have no idea where he draws that line. For all we know, statements that would have fessie’s SO on the couch would leave Priceguy’s SO still in the bed, though probably not all snuggly.
BTW, what IS the reason for “never go to bed angry?” What, in case one of you dies in your sleep?
Really it brought to mind those Seinfeld episodes where a lover was AOK until they made some slip-up, then it was goodbye forever. Share the bed/leave the relationship seems rather black & white thinking, to me. YMMV.
Well, to be tasteless for a moment, the lesson of Phil Hartman should be “Don’t make your spouse angry, and then go to bed.”
I think a lot of it is just the way some people handle their anger. For DogDad and me, if it’s important enough to be ANGRY about, then there’s no frigging way we’re sleeping anyway. And if we’re ANGRY about something, enough to need a cooling-off time, sleep isn’t going to come until the issue has been resolved. We’ll go outside, walk the dog, walk around the block, slam tools around in the garage, whatever - but we WON’Tgo to sleep.
If we do try, we’ll just wind up thinking about it all night long, because there’s nothing to distract us from THE ISSUE, and if we DO get any sleep it’s going to be crappy and not at all restful. So we’ll wake up exhausted, and even MORE pissed-off than we were to begin with. At that point, there’s not a chance in hell that we’ll be able to discuss The Issue rationally, or “cooled-off”.
Which is a long-winded way of saying, “If you can sleep and the whole “let it cool down overnight after a good night’s sleep” thing works for you, great. But for some, the issue will NOT improve over time, and it’ll just fester and grow into a HUGE ISSUE, instead of something that could’ve been resolved in a couple hours.”
Hey, “don’t go to bed angry” has led to some 1-am discussions for us, but what the hell - we weren’t sleeping anyway. AND we got the issues resolved and got a GOOD, if short, night’s sleep.
And, quite frankly, if I can actually get a good night’s sleep, then I’m not arguing with anyone, or the issue isn’t important enough to bring up in the morning.
You’re still missing the point. He didn’t say one slipup and she’s gone. He said that if it were bad enough to make him want to sleep separately, it would be too bad for the relationship to survive. You are assuming that means that a small transgression would end the relationship. Another possible assumption is that a huge transgression would have them still sharing a bed. My point is that you don’t know where Priceguy draws that line, so you jumped to a conclusion that he must be intolerant. His statements here could also support an argument that he is extremely tolerant. You don’t know enough to make that judgement.
Yep. You’re exactly right.
My frame of reference, not Priceguy’s.
Why? The point is that he’s willing to share a bed with someone, even if he’s a little pissed at them. I don’t see why that seems like a strange idea to you; I always thought banning someone to the couch was just a sitcome move. I didn’t know a lot of folks did that.
It’s not like his girlfriend accidentally sticks a CD on the shelf out of alphabetical order once and the relationship’s over. You really are starting to look like you’re finding fault with something that’s an unresolvable matter of personal choice. Why do you think this is something worth arguing about?
Why are you continuing the discussion past Red Stilettos’ point, which summed it up perfectly?
At the risk of totally hijacking an already hijacked thread, I’ve got to agree with Priceguy. All he said is that if something was serious enough to him that he didn’t want someone sharing his bed, that it would be serious enough to end the relationship. That means, as far as I can see, that he just thinks that kicking someone out of bed isn’t to be used for minor things, and that if something is really major it’s a deal breaker anyways.
I’d wager he was continuing it, and so was I, because post 111 seemed rather sarcastic. If not then sure, it’s time to drop the issue.
I think that’s also true, FinnAgain.
I’ll even extend the breadth of my apology - as Red Stilettos pointed out, I took Priceguy’s statement as an indication of intolerance, rather than extreme tolerance, without knowing him from Adam. That was unfair.
I was surprised that he responded so defensively, but perhaps that’s b/c he goes out of his way to avoid misogynistic behavior, as demonstrated by his first post in this thread (which I didn’t read that carefully the first time through).
However, OTOH, it’s been my experience that in order for a relationship to last a number of years, major things (that could by themselves be deal-breakers) need to be survived as well.
That in itself might be an interesting thread; I’d be interested to know if other couples have experienced the same.
/on preview - I’m guessing post 111 was mine? Sarcastic? Sheeeeit, I’m not the only one making assumptions.
Apologies. I open up several tabs at once; it appeared not to be posted yet, and I didn’t remember to reload first like I usually do with particularly active threads.
If I sleep on an emotion it tends to become ingrained; also, if I am seriously distressed by something, the only way I’m liable to be able to get to sleep is to shift to an emotional situation where I have given up on resolution.
So basically, if I go to bed angry, I either wind up with a near-permanent grudge or having given up on whatever situation it was that provoked the anger – which, if it’s a Big Relationship Issue, means the relationship.
Red Stilettos, Excalibre and FinnAgain: Thanks for sticking up for me while I got some sleep (alone).
If I were to go to bed angry about a fight with Pricegal (especially if I were banished from the bed), I’d lie there tossing and turning, mulling it over in my head, growing madder and madder, getting more and more bitter, getting some non-satisfying sleep and the next day it would sit so deep in me that it’d never go away. In my experience, snuggling solves many problems. If only people would snuggle more, the world would be a beautiful place.
Hmmm. I don’t agree with your views on men & women & sex but I’d like to think I can admit to that w/o being an asshole about it. Men have responsibility for sex too, a child is theirs jsut as much as the womans. The men just drop out of the picture easier because they aren’t biologically tied to the child for 9 months like the woman is, that doesn’t make it right for them either.
Overall, abortion may be for the best if you are talking about a child where neither parents wants him/her.