Yes, you may sleep on my sofa (long)

Yes, you may sleep on my sofa, but you cannot have snuggles!

Fine, P, my lovely exboyfriend! You’ve had a bad day at work. You want a quiet drink at the pub, but your girlfriend, Hellspawn, decides to join you, has half a pint and passes out, only to wake up when the crap band starts. Your boss arrives, and wants to discuss why every delivery you made today went wrong. You manage to get the drunken gf home, and, surprise, dinner isn’t cooked. You go to sleep hungry yet again, only to be pounced on at 1.30 by your little Hellcat demanding sex. A fight ensues? How awful for you.

I’m having a pleasant evening, playing in an online cribbage tournament (yes, I do need to get out more) and I get a text message: “May I sleep on your sofa? I’ve had a fight with Hellspawn”. Well, why not? You did one night last week - although technically, you slept in my bed, I slept on my sofa. But you know I’m still in love with you and will say yes.

You manage to get a bottle of wine at 2am. I am impressed. It makes a change from last week when you drank everything in my flat. And I listen to your problems … and listen … and listen … and say all the right sympathetic things, without getting too close, because I don’t want to get hurt by you again.

What? It’s 4am already? I’m knackered, and decide to go to bed. No, of course I don’t mind you looking at porn on my pc. You would whether I minded or not, so go for it.

What more do you want from me? You’ve a place to sleep, wine (yes, we finished yours, but there’s more in my fridge), porn on the pc, music stations on TV … oh, you want snuggles! So wake me up and ask for cuddles and snuggles.


This is not going to happen, for very good reasons. I am still in love with you. I would like nothing more than to spend the night in your arms. But guess what? Tomorrow night, you’ll be sharing your bed with Hellspawn, and I’ll be crying into my pillow again. Oh, I’m your best friend, and you just need to be held? That’s okay then, let’s go for it, then tomorrow night when I’m alone feeling shitty, I’ll just ring on your doorbell and expect you to hold me all night long. How’s that working for you? It’s not doing a damn thing for me. It isn’t going to happen, is it?

Great, now time for the “might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb” argument. Well, no, actually, since I’m going to run into Hellspawn in the local pub and I’m a crap liar. Besides, although the slut ruined our relationship, I kinda like her, except for her taste in men. We get along now, and I like that as I don’t have many friends in London anymore. Do you feel threatened by our getting along, perhaps?

The final argument as to why we should cuddle was a real winner. “I’m on Librium, I can’t get a stiffy anyways”. I know, I was meant to take that as a challenge and try my damndest to prove you wrong. I was tempted for a nanosecond, but I’m afraid the answer is still NO.

Quit whining. You are not getting cuddles. I’m emotionally fragile enough atm without spending the night in bed with you. Yes, sex would be lovely, but sex is a distant memory right now and best it’s kept that way. It’s been 14 months since Spawn visited her family in Lancaster and you spent the night with me. I don’t need to be reminded how wonderful sex can be with you. I do remember, but in a distant, far in the mists of time sort of way. That is how it’s going to be until Hellspawn is a distant memory for both of us, or until the unlikely event of my finding someone else. 'Cause you’ve really fucked over my self esteem, haven’t you. Well done, you!

You’ve left now. Obviously I can’t sleep, because I’m ranting to strangers and making little or no sense. Are you sleeping on a park bench? Have you gone home to Satan’s little hadmaiden to continue the argument? I am surprised to find I really don’t give a flying fuck. You had the option of sanctuary at my flat, and you blew it. Yes, this should have been in MSWord, printed and dropped through your letterbox, but my damn printer doesn’t want to work, and I can’t email you because everyone and their dog reads your emails.

I’ll give you the link though, and perhaps by reading this, you’ll understand why I cannot and will not sleep with you. I will try to be your friend, but that is all.

It is nearly 6am. Hopefully, I will be able to get some sleep. I’ve got a busy weekend and I must say, you do pick the worst moments for your crises. My exhusband is visiting from Holland on Tuesday and the flat is a tip. He and I need to have a serious talk about what to do with the damn place. I don’t know whether to stay here, or to move back to Oklahoma to be with my dad. Btw, I’m still upset about my mother’s death, and concerned with how my dad is coping. This is what I mean by emotionally fragile. P, I’ve enough on my plate without dealing with your problems.

Thank you and goodnight.

You don’t really sound like you are looking for advice, but I’ll give mine anyway (becuase I’m a southerner, that’s what we do). You need to get as far away from this guy as you can. He is not your friend, and does not give a rat’s tail about you. Your not going to be happy as long as he is randomly showing up on your door step looking for meaningless sex. But, that’s just my 2 cents, take it or leave it. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you don’t let him hurt you even more.

It sounds like this ex is not nearly ex enough. I’m sorry that your heart still wants him. Hearts can be stubborn and stupid that way. But it sounds like he’s causing you pain. The next time he shows up at your door, I’d turn him away. Or, if it’s too hard to open the door and tell him to go, then I’d just make sure it’s locked and not open to him at all.

All the more reason that this is just the sort of thing that should be communicated via online correspondence.

This guy doesn’t just need shunning, he could benefit from an appropriate level of public humiliation, too.

Nothing you’ve related reflects poorly on you. Print it up in 20 point type and post it up like freakin’ psychic eviction notice. Some types of communication aren’t meant to be discreetly slipped under the door.

How about just saying, “No, you may not sleep on my sofa”?

Seems like a straightforward problem with a straightforward solution to me.


They are ALL my sofas. ALL of them!

Resolved. He can’t sleep on the sofa until he gets a signed waiver from Sofa King.

jesleigh is right. This guy’s bad news, even (especially!) if he breaks up with the new gf.

Next time he needs a couch to sleep on, the answer should be “No.” Practice it. “No.”

I mean, look at this–he’s incapable of cooking dinner for himself if his girlfriend doesn’t do it? Then he withholds sex as a punishment, and comes over to your place to get laid? When he comes over, he drinks everything in your flat? Honey, you’re much better off without this guy. You should throw yourself a party for being lucky enough to get away from him.

By letting him come over and try to manipulate you, letting him drink everything in your flat and ruin a nice evening of cribbage–why do you need to get out more? Cribbage is a good game, and you were having a pleasant time until Bozo messed it up–you are actually keeping the flame alive. You are actually putting more fuel on the dying fire in your heart and fanning it, trying to keep it from going out. That is not what you need, you’re just doing it out of habit. It is not noble to continue to be in love with someone when they’ve screwed you over so thoroughly. Understandable, especially if it was a long relationship, but not noble.

Say it six times every day–“No.” And I’m with Larry Mudd on the email thing, too. If you get along with the new gf now, and kind of like her, do you really want to hide this crap from her?

People who dump you and then want all the nice cuddly relationship bennies like before are evil. They are fucking with your head, and moreover most of them will dump you as a friend in a heartbeat if they don’t get their way. :mad:

(Bitter? Me? Nah…)

Tell him to get a hammer and a big pile of sand and hammer the sand up his ass.

Then tell him to fuck off, not just for the moment or the day or even the week, but for the rest of his life.

If he doesn’t get the idea see the police about a restraining order and throw that one at him.

I don’t know if this is an Aussie saying, but this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. This attitude in men makes me feel like taking a shower to get clean. Where do they think they can shag anything they like, and get away with it. Don’t lower yourself.
Take a look at yourself, what are you doing to make him think he can do that? ( I don’t mean that as a put down, but you are responsible for your own actions so you need to ask yourself this).
Take a stand and rise above it. I’m sorry that you are still in love with him that makes it hard I know.
But how lond do you want this to go on?

Thanks everyone. Jes, Larry … advice always appreciated and Kambuckta, I will say NO from now on. Superstar, cake and eat it too is a phrase I know from London and sums it up quite nicely.

I ended up taking his gf to the local pub tonight to calm down, after he hit her. She and I get along, he can’t deal with that, and that is his problem.

I leave for the US on 9 Dec and I can’t wait, I don’t like my little incestuous part of London anymore. I probably won’t be happy in Oklahoma either, but it won’t be as scary as W14.

The only reason I’ve ever said yes, sleep on the sofa is that I need to talk to someone every now and again. He’s the wrong person to talk to, but it is human interaction and I miss that.

Superstar asks how long I want this to go on. It ends tonight. I :am: better than all this, and it does end tonight.

Thanks all for advice, giggles, whatever … I needed my feeling validated, and I’ve got that somewhat.

Bridget Jones? Is that you? :wink:

Hope you get a happy ending one day.

** Bren ** I am practicing saying “NO” and it gets easier every time. Thank you. Very valid point.

** presidebt**

Funnily enough, a drunk in my local pub thought I was Renee Zellweger, after seeing a photo in the paper that resembled me. We’ve the same chipmunk cheeks and squinty lil eyes.

Hey! I don’t wanna look like Bridget Jones … I wanna look like Renee when she’s hot and skinny!


Let me get this straight.

This guy gets drunk, screws up his job, expects his girlfriend to cook for him at two o’clock in the morning, goes over to his ex’s house when they have a fight to sleep on the sofa and maybe get snugglies, and he’s hitting his current girlfriend.

Tell me again what you see in him?

Go home to Oklahoma. Go home now. Do not Pass Go, do not Collect $200, do not wait until December. You may be lonely, but that is no reason to put up with this crap. No more interaction with him. HE’S NOT YOUR FRIEND. Say that over and over again until it sinks in.

Stop in here when you want to chat, and I’m sure there will be an Oklahoma Dopefest sometime.

Ivy, thanks, it is sinking in. I am leaving England, probably not going to return. But an Oklahoma Dopefest?? No way! I so don’t see that happening!

But well done anyways Ivy, good advice and sensible talk. Thanks.

(bolding mine)

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a loser!!!
So…on top of being manipulative as hell, drunk, assuming, cheating, emotionally abusive and selfish, he’s physically abusive as well?

This is the kind of prat who needs to have his Male Membership revoked (or maybe just his Male Member?) He’s making it really tough for the rest of us by being exactly the type of “man” who makes women wonder just what the fuck is wrong with my gender. Please smack the living shit out of him on behalf of all decent Men and self-respecting women.

I’m glad for you that you’re leaving the area where he is. You don’t need shit like him in your life. Give my sympathies to his g/f, and tell her everything he does…she doesn’t need his shit either, especially if he’s hitting her.

What everyone else said, plus don’t give him any way of contacting you once you go to the States - seriously. Not an email address, not a phone number, not a mail address, not a street address, not the name of the person you’re staying with, not the name of the city you’re staying in. Once you haven’t had any contact with him for awhile, and start to get your head straight, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him. The sooner you start the process, the sooner he’ll be a distant memory.

That dude is not getting any sort of waiver for me.