Absessed tooth? Go fuck yourself with it

The BBQ Pit
1

Ah…con artists.

Do you love them? I do.

So I’m standing on the Fullerton train platform yesterday, patiently awaiting the brown line to take me for my massage, listening to the new Rammstein album on my walkman…ALL WAS WELL WITH THE WORLD!!!

Two people wander up to me, a man and a woman. The woman is patting him sympathetically on the shoulder and he’s holding his completely unswollen jaw, lip, mouth with one hand.

Now I have pretty good peripheral vision, and even when I’m blaring music, I can hear what’s happening outside my walkman. I’m also naturally a little suspicious of people.

They were clearly giggling before approaching me.

The man says,

“OH man…can I borrow fifty cents to call my dentist? I’ve got an absessed tooth…oooohhhhh” He groans in agony. Honest to god, I don’t have a dime on me. I have a twenty dollar bill and my debit card.

“I don’t have any change.”

“Fifty cents, that’s all! I’ve got an absess!”

“I don’t have anything, sorry.”

The woman walks up real close to me and says,

“what’s the matter bitch, need change for one of your hundreds?”

Hey, you know what? If I had had fifty cents at that point I would have pushed them sideways up her nostrils and kicked her down the stairs. How fucking dare you? First of all, the last time I saw a hundred dollar bill was when my boss told me to go buy lunch. Secondly, asshammer, if I had a hundred dollar bill and YOU HAD CHANGE FOR IT…why do you need to bother me for fifty cents?

And finally, don’t call me bitch for not falling for your scam. When I didn’t give you my cash, your friend’s tooth immediately healed and you moved on to try to scam someone else.

Oh hey, and you know what else? I was sort of soured on the idea of giving out spare change BEFORE this incident.

Now I’m downright against it.

Bitch.

yours in christ,

jarbaby

2

<sigh> Sorry you got accosted Jarbaby.

I’ve had enough abcesses in my lifetime (thanks for the teeth mom) and I’d have felt the same way.

Was there a newstand or something near the platform you could have pointed them to and told them to go break their 20?

-Doug

3

Aha! Now I see why the literary agent said my dialogue was maddening!

I was the one with not a dime on me. I was trying to illustrate to the reader that all I had was a 20 and a debit card, so even if I wanted to give out change, I couldn’t.

jarbaby

4

jarbaby, I’m disappointed. Such a golden opportunity to call someone so deserving a fuckchop and you let it slip by.

Tsk.

5

In her defense: she did say “asshammer”. Pretty fucking good in my book.

6

She does have a way with the colorful metaphors, doesn’t she?

Fuckchop and now asshammer.

:smiley:

7

Yes, I think it’s clear that I am not one to anger… :smiley:

Although usually I can’t stop laughing after I call someone a fuckchop, so the effect is diminished by me grinning from ear to ear.

jarbaby

8

Sorry to hear that dude. Give me the twenty and I’ll go get you change. Oh! In case I find and ATM first give me the debit card, and your pin. I be right back, while your girlfriend rubs your c**k to make you forget all about that abcess.

9

Great rant, and you’re 100% correct, of course. But I mostly popped in to say that this

would really, really hurt.

Not to mention the whole Ambusol/Anusol treatment controversy.

10

sigh…mahattan…he’s dreamy.

I can’t give myself TOO high a score on the rant though, seeing as I spelled abcess wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME.

jarbaby

11

Erm . . . abscess

Don’t feel too bad, jarbaby. I’m a copyeditor, and I had to look it up to be sure. Damn those s’s and c’s!

12

Good call on the fakery. Having had an abcessed tooth myself, I can tell you that if he’d really been suffering, they’d not have been asking you for $$ for a phone call, but rather for a gun to blow his head off and end his misery. He’d also have been asking from the ground, where he would be rolling around cursing and flailing and praying for god to call him home.

The walking around part, with nothing more than gentle jaw-rubbing, was a dead giveaway.

I got my abcessed tooth just a few weeks after Cranky Junior was born and when labor & c-section pain were still fresh in my memory. I had a good clean comparison as to which was worse (tooth vs. labor/surgery) and I’d say it was a toss-up. I have to go take an aspirin just thinking about it.

13

Cranky, I feel your pain. I had an abscessed tooth last year, and I waited by the phone for my dentists office to open. When they answered my call, I simply said “This is Zette. (They know me)I don’t care if you have to KILL someone, I need to see Dr. Scott. I’m on my way, and I’m in agony.”
When I got there he took me right in. I’m not sure who they killed.

Regarding the OP: That sucks that you got accosted like that. What a fucking low-life!

Zette

14

Hey, who cares…you got the problem solved. I’ll say this for selfish, unrepentant evil…it gets shit done.

Yes. Although after reading these testimonials, I may not even want to wish and actual abcsessed tooth on them.

jarbaby

15

I only give money to street performers, since it takes a nice mix of balls, creativity, and talent. This pair would have really pissed me off, and I would have been pretty rude to them way before that bitch got around to her snide remarks. It makes me happy knowing what it is they do for a living. Next time, let loose, jarbabyj.

[sub]And hey, you finally got “abscess” right!! :p[/sub]

16

jarbabyj,

Streetwise! Get your Streetwise here!

:smiley:

17

Come on, baby…I only got one more to sell. Hey, if you ain’t gonna read it, give it back, then…

18

fucknugget is good too.

19

What always pisses me off is the able bodies college-age kids panhandling. Come on, sure you’ve got no money, but fucking at least learn to juggle! Or do card tricks! Come on, give me something, for Chrissake!

I’m not expecting the hard-core multiply handicapped street people to put on a show, but come on you kids! Sing! Dance, monkeyboy! Amuse me, peon!

20

Regarding the OP:

Do what I always do: put on your best “befuddled” face and say, in a struggling manner:

“Sorry. No English”.

Then start speaking to them in a foreign language. It helps if you actually know a foreign language, but it isn’t necessary - you can always make one up.

Works every time.