Absurd and insulting Internet ads

I was contemplating the thread about annoying commercials, and I realized that the ads that I encounter online can be far worse than TV.
Lately there are two genres that are deriving me up the wall, and both do that because of the thumbnails.

  1. “People/businesses/police in (insert your location here) are going crazy/fuming/outraged over new business/new rule/whatever.” The Thumbnail with the ad is so far away from the reality of my location that it is obvious someone isn’t even trying to make sense. We have no such buildings. The DMV is a trailer, not a big office. That’s not a local police car.

  2. Ads for all sorts of assorted things and thumbnails that are completely unrelated. Takes clickbait to a new low, because they aren’t pretending to show you interesting things while bombarding you with ads. They are selling what they won’t show you.

I know, this is what the Internet is. But couldn’t they at least pretend to try? If they want to sell me something, they shouldn’t expect to succeed using a terminal sloth.


What’s the worst you have seen?

Clickbait ads on Facebook for performance enhancing drugs that are headlined by “Ovechkin Released by Capitals” and similar shit for Crosby, Gretzky, Don Cherry, etc.

Also, blatant Facebook ads for ED products. I’m pretty sure I never researched anything to do with this.

“So and so OPPOSES the death penalty for child molesters!”

I’m sorry are you trying to get me not to vote for this guy? That’s not the way to do it.

Worst clickbait: “Try not to gasp when you see how (actress/public figure) looks now!”

I don’t click on them, but they annoy me nonetheless with their blatant calculation.

The genre I despise most is the “weird trick” come-on. “One weird tip that will save you $$$ on your auto insurance!” It’s intended to appeal to that pleasure we humans take in ‘getting away with something without putting in much effort.’

I get "This Brilliant Company Is Disrupting a $200 Billion Industry” ads all the time. They think they are being clever by saying that the company is based in local cities, but they must be picking the cities off of a GIS database, since some of the ones they come up with are laughable (Black Canyon City, I’m looking at you).

Anything that tries to target by IP location is hilarious. It’s like they just had a cross-reference of the names of metropolitan or primary statistical areas, so I used to get ads (when they got past the HOSTS list and adblock) along the lines of “Mom in Albany/Schenectady/Troy did [blah blah blah]”.

How come we are no longer asked to punch the monkey?

I no longer see the ads asking me to punch the monkey. Perhaps because I punched the monkey too much.

What gets me is the ones that Someone doesn’t want you to know. I can understand, maybe, the banks not wanting you to know how to reduce your mortgage payment (well, in principle, at least: In reality, that’s exactly what they want you to do and they’re the ones behind the ads), but why would your doctor not want you to know how to improve your cholesterol? That’s his job. And your wife doesn’t want you to know how to fix your ED? If that’s true, then ED is the least of your problems.

Did you get your iPod? Because I’m still waiting on my free iPod.

I’m sometimes amused by the first. “People in Elburn, Illinois are outraged by this new driving law” while showing a woman next to her car in some arid mountainous region. Is the new law that you have to drive Utah to get your new plate stickers?

Mostly, I see “Clueless Millennials Are Disrupting a $200 Billion Industry”.

No, they’re not.

For those advertisers who think we should scroll through multiple frames endlessly to find out the wounded/trapped animal’s “priceless” reaction to the person who saved them, I’d like to see the rescuer eaten. That would be “priceless”.

Oh, and “guys” are not “obsessed” with this underwear.

At least I hope not.

These ads/promos are actually useful. Anytime I see something advertised with the idea that “they” don’t want you to know, I can be sure it’s a scam.

‘Eat this to lose ugly belly fat.’

Child stars - how they look today and what they’re up to.

‘Doctors in [area] don’t want you to know this one weird trick’

This is NHS country, they run campaigns to stop people going to the doctor for trivial reasons, and there’s no fee per visit. If the doctors round here don’t want me to know about your stupid trick, it’s not because they’d lose business, it’s because it doesn’t work and will probably make me sicker.

“Three foods you shouldn’t eat.” Because everyone knows that if they can just figure which food item is the problem, they can avoid that and suddenly they’ll lose weight and achieve perfect fitness.

“This sweatshirt is sold out six months in advance”

I don’t plan a half year in advance before buying loungewear so I guess I’ll pass.

The only thing being disrupted in Black Canyon City is the Pancake-Industrial Complex. They’ve discovered a secret way to make pancakes larger than any previously known to man!

Here’s one from today:
Gila Crossing. Arizona: This Tiny Company
This small team of data scientists has written an algorithm that is turning the $200 billion car insurance industry upside down.

I mean - really? Gila Crossing isn’t even really a place. I’ve been to truck stops with more people.

Now I’m hungry.