A few years ago, this sign was spotted by a friend at a local Albertson’s grocery.
I liked the biker bar in Daytona whose sign read:
Liquor in the front
Poker in the rear 
My female boss called me at work from the large department store where she was in the process of picking up supplies for a small repair job that I was involved in at work. She was uncertain about the particular type of fastener, and asked out loud “So are you going to teach me all about screws tomorrow?”…I could hear a number of male voices in the nails and screws department snickering and her attempts to clarify were met with stout rejections by all of the guys around her. Ah, what a moment.
Another time at work, I was trimming a piece of plastic sheeting with the help of a female friend…Using the term “I’ll just whack it off here” caused my colleague to snort, giggle, and then tell the rest of the staff about my whacking it off. Errr…what a moment.
I answered the phone at a customer service job with a combination of “How may I help you?” and “What can I do for you?” that came out “How can I do you?”
Geez.
A friend of mine, a dance teacher, was teaching a line dance class. In one dance, you were to clap your hands on the last beat of a phrase. One woman kept missing it, and not timing her clap with everybody else. Finally, on one run, she gets it right!
And announces loudly to the class… “I’ve got the clap!!!”
Karen, Dan & I are watching the hilarious Peter Seller’s movie “The Party.” There’s a scene where Sellers really, really needs a bathroom, only the downstairs one has a couple making out in it, and the upstairs some pot smokers. Sellers sees a cat’s litter box. I say “Oh no.” Karen says “He wouldn’t stoop so low.”
Dan & I fell off the couch laughing.
Buying a set of kitchen knives many years ago (great set, by the way). Found a nice wall-mounted rack with 5 slots. I’m an amateur, should be plenty for mypurposes. So the sales babe (very VERY pretty young lady, made me nervous to have her undivided attention even in the merchant/customer capacity) is asking me a bunch of questions to see what kinds of knifes I need. We got 4 out of the five right away and then out of the blue, “Do you do much boning?” at which I unconsciously raised an eyebrow & made eye contact with her. We both blushed. At this point I declined to deliver the next 100 smartass responses that flashed through my head and tried to get things back to knives. The answer to her question, in the cullinary sense, was ‘yes.’ So I innocently replied, “Yeah, a good boner’d be nice.” I would have disappeared instantly if I could have.
Damn… I was expecting ‘nice rack’. But good story anyway
I was hanging out at the house of the family I work for. I was playing with their year-old baby and following her as she toddled around while the mother was getting dressed upstairs. The baby toddled into her dad’s study, and I tried to steer her out of it and toward the playroom. She went to a cabinet and started to open it, and I caught a glimpse of a laptop and some other electronic gear. I said in a loud voice, **“Oh, those are adult toys in there.” ** I was going to add “Let’s go play with your toys instead,” when I realized what I had just said.
I really hope her mother didn’t hear me! :smack:
Back in my college days, I discovered that there was a street in a nearby town that shared my first name. Somehow one of the street signs found its way into my bedroom, and got mounted on the wall. A few years later, I had a party, and invited some folks from work. One of them was a very sweet, innocent (single) lass with an oriental name.
She commented on my street sign and wished that she could get one like it. Unfortunately, she said, her name was unusual enough that there probably weren’t any streets with her name. I remembered a small town a few hours away, however, that had the same name she did. Without thinking, I said, “You could get one of the big city limit signs from the town and put it over your bed! You know, the one that says, ‘you are now entering —’.”
Had I said it on purpose, it wouldn’t have been very funny. As it was, she and I were both extremely embarrassed.
This -sounds- made up, but it is true. I’m not sure if it was accidental or not.
Many years ago I was working at one of the all suite hotels that were just becoming popular. Since all of our rooms had sliding doors out to a balcony, some guests would leave the doors open, creating, ummmmm insect problems for future guests.
One day an irate customer comes down to the lobby desk with 3 beetles in an envelope. [Beetle beetles… not roaches] While I’m planning my escape route, he’s shouting at the desk clerk next to me. He says “Look what was in my bed last night!”. The desk clerk looks up at him and says “I’m sure you’ve slept with worse”. :eek:
This is one of the funniest threads ever! It hurts to laugh so much.
Okay, so here’s my story. Our computer guy at work gets free samples of stuff. One time, he got a package of juggling balls. They sat in his mailbox for a long time, so I figured he did’n’t want them. So my co-worker Michelle and I were playing around with these juggling balls, and discussing whether he’d miss them if I took them. The director of our program stuck his head in the door (not my boss, but my boss’s boss), and I said, “We’re playing with Jeff’s balls!” :eek:
As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized what I said, and I said, “I can’t believe I said that.” Michelle and I laughed and laughed. The director just kind of smiled, turned around, and walked away.
Wish I had a picture of the local Jiffy Lube with its neat red and white sign saying: “Please enter at rear.” Soon it changed to: “Please Drive Around Back.”
Hadn’t heard the term at that point in my life. Glad, too, or I might have ended up with a cleaver in my skull.
19 yrs old, 3-4th date with GF and her parents. We went to an all you can eat seafood place where I delcared loudly to my GF that I would “eat her under the table”. I didnt think it was that bad, but man the look her dad gave me…
A few years back I was working on a video-on-demand project that involved a lot of hanging about in clubs. My friend Rob, who worked with me on the project, used to frequently introduce me as his “partner” in the course of chatting up women.
I think he thought it sounded impressive.
I could do little to dissuade him on this point. I don’t know why I could see the little light going on over their heads before they made their polite excuses and drifted away, but he couldn’t. Best guess: Beer.
A friend of mine and her then-husband used to travel together as performing musicians. He was the one who did all the stage patter, and she was usually pretty quiet. During one show he started talking about how she was so quiet, but was actually the boss around the house, making him do all the chores. He said, “She even makes me change the cat box!” To which she piped up, “Well, you’re the only one who uses it!”
She says the look on his face was priceless. Here she never opens her mouth on stage, and when she does, THAT’S what comes out. Of course the audience roared.
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Here’s mine: I’m, oh about ten or so, and my sister had one of those “clacker” toys with two balls attached to a stick that you wave up and down to make the balls knock against each other and go “clack clack clack.” Anyway, one day I found it necessary to call out to my sister (and the whole neighborhood), “[Sister], you left your knockers on the porch!”
Back in my university days, sitting in the dining room studying for a maths exam. There’s a bad Western playing on the TV, which can be heard but not seen. And suddenly, we hear this line:
“Strap this on and be a man”.
A welcome break from hours of theorems.
My sister and her Pizza Hut cow-aitresses threatened to strike until the manager reworded the marquee out front. It said “Our waitresses make eating out a pleasure.”
I worked at a bar-and-grill (the grill part) and used to hang out at the bar after the grill closed, mostly because of the large number of drunk and horny women to be found there. One day I forgot my work-cap and had to borrow one that was the shade of orange that hunters wear.
My bosses’ wife asked me, jokingly, “What are you hunting?”
I, also jokingly, replied “Beaver!”
Apparently she hadn’t heard the word used that way as she then said, in all seriousness, “I’ve never eaten beaver. What’s it taste like?” She couldn’t understand why everyone within earshot was ROTF.
Sorry if this is a little crude but I must share!:
I read this lastnight and told my little brother (11years old) here is the conversation (purely accidental BTW):
Me: I just read the greatest story, you know those toys that are a kind of plastic stick thing with two balls on it…
little brother: no, I don’t know much about those, I don’t exactly use one!
:eek: kids know too much!