“Wow, what knockers!”
“Oh, vy sank you, Dr. Fronkensteen!”
of course, we all know that an “innuendo” is an Italian suppository…
Not mine, but I was at a party a few years back and the hostess had served up some pita with homemade hummus, which was really good. It was a rather loud party and as everyone was finishing off their food, she came out and yelled over the noise, “ANYONE FOR SEC’S??” (Sound it out.)
The room instantly fell quiet, the hostess turned red and said in a tiny voice, “…I mean ‘seconds’?” 
A friend of mine has a cat and once, after buying it a new scratching post, was talking about his coworkers. He mentioned one lady and as an aside said, “She’s the one I gave the ol’ scratching post.”
As a teen, I was with my mom when we were bringing home some chicken from KFC. The meal was in a box, not a bucket and was getting rather hot in my lap. So I let it slip down onto the seat but that made it worse as it was starting to toast my chestnuts. I told mom to drive faster and she said there was no reason to hurry. So I said, “Yeah, well you don’t have a hot box 'tween your legs!” I probably wouldn’t have realized what I’d said if she hadn’t gotten all shocked.
Then there’s this event
<hijack>
Reminds me of the time when Dweezil spotted the sign on the building that passes for a red light district not to far from my mother’s house. He asked “What’s an adult toy store?”. He was six, and I had no wish to have that discussion at that time. So I told him it meant grownup things like VCRs etc…
</hijack>
Papa Zappa and I, newlyweds, had attended a potluck dinner where there was a fair bit of wine. We got pleasantly tipsy. Then my dear spouse tried to comment on the fact that since marrying me, he rarely drank that much any more, so his alcohol tolerance was much lower and it took less to get him intoxicated.
Only, what came out was “Since I’ve been with you, I’ve become a cheap drunk!”. :smack:
Having had a bit to drink myself, I actually knew what he meant. It wasn’t until he said “Uh, let me rephrase that!” that I realized just how it sounded!
Can’t help you, folks. My innuendos are almost all on purpose.
A dirty mind. It’s what I got instead of a flair for interior design.
groan
One day at work, a co-worker who had recently returned from a trip to Singapore mentioned he went to eat at the Hooters there. He then complaind that it was blatant false advertizing on their part.
To which I replied “Yeah they should name it something else, like Swallows”.
I really should have thought of a different small bird.
I like to eat diner food. My favorite dish is the classic open-faced roast beef sandwich with hot gravy. Even though it’s the name of the sandwich, people always look at me funny when I order the “hot beef.”
–Cliffy
I didn’t have anything to do with this one, but it’s a personal favorite…
Junior high school, physical sciences class…I don’t remember if we were studying the periodic table or metals specifically or what, but our teacher, Mrs. D, was discussing the properties of copper. It’s after lunch, hot, and everyone’s fading as she drones on until: “…and the more you beat it, the harder it gets.”
Now, this being junior high school, the class went nuts for about a full minute and the teacher turned bright red. And with perfect timing, just as the laughter had almost died away, a voice from the back of the class: “Boy, you sure pulled a boner there Mrs. D.”
which reminds me…
In all seriousness…my boner is a six-inch, straight, stiff F. Dick.
A few of us were trying to make copies with one of those old cranky copy machines. And I discovered that this one door had to be pushed closed, but when I pushed it, the whole machine would roll (why it was on wheels, I’m not sure), so I asked the kid who was on the other side of it, “Hey Benno, push against me.”
A you-had-to-be-there moment? Yeah, probably.
Back in high school German, we had a substitute teacher who was the semi-retired former German teacher and actually much better than our regular teacher. She told that, back when she was teaching full time, she had just come back from a vacation to Germany and was telling her class about the trip. She spent some time in particular describing a large wooden chest she’d bought and some difficulty she’d had getting it through customs. Much to the class’ amusement, she kept referring to her “six foot chest from abroad.”
One of the ladies at the bar I work at was explaining about all sorts of shots she’d had in her arm because of therapy she was going through.
“After about the 5th one, it hurt so bad! I think I would’ve rather taken them in the ass!” :eek:
When I started showing my horse, I competed in the “pleasure” division. Basically, it’s a division where the horse is judged on manners, movement, and talent over smaller jumps (it’s a starting out division). The classes were divided into “adult” and “junior” divisions (juniors were those age 18 and under).
I’m sure many of you are already snickering at the thought of a “pleasure” division, so let me say I went one step more and got so used to the term that I thought nothing of mounting ribbons saying “Champion–Adult Pleasure” in my living room. Yeah, I’m sure that made an impression on my dates!
Even worse, when my father sent out his annual Christmas letter he worte “MaddyStrut has been winning many adult pleasure classes this year with her horse.”
I may never, ever live that one down!
Just heard this one yesterday, and had to share:
My brother was walking through the kitchen in the college co-op where he lives, and he passed by a few of his housemates having a discussion of exotic foods. One of them had spent a semester in Brazil and was describing an unusual fruit that he ate there. The seeds were poisonous, but the flesh was delicious. My brother walked by just as he concluded, “So you can’t chew the nuts, but you can suck the sweet, tender meat.”