Adoption in the late 60s

Great Debates
1

As many can tell from my chat and my postings I am pissed off at the so-called health care system in general, but what it really comes down to is my birth parents.

The adoptees, for the most part have no fucking choice in life. We are given our circumstances and expected to live with them regardless of our birth family’s or adoptive family’s concerns.

Many of us grow up with the notion that we are “special” and therefore should be thankful.

Well what about us adoptees that were subjected to abuse and pain?

What about us adoptees that NEED to know who our birth families are for whatever reasons?

What about us adoptees, where we only found out about a limited family medical history because we pushed it?

We are the only class of citizens that are denied our original birth certificates. We are the only class of citizens that can honestly say, my mother and father didn’t want me, and it’s true, at least for me.

What brings this on is I happened to seek out my birth parents in 1997 only to be disappointed, which I knew was a possiblity, don’t get me wrong. But thankfully she gave up a little medical history on her end, she has hypertension, which I am on the border line of.

For those that have read my rants in the chat I am sorry, but if I never pursued this I would have never ever known.

I am devistated that I am borderline hypertension. I can’t help but wonder what my birth father’s family has in his background. Yet legally I will never find this out.

She wont give the intermediary his name, only that he has red hair and freckles…

Damnit, this revelation that I have hypertension gives me pause, because I don’t know what other illnesses I may face on my birthfather’s side.

I SO hope that kids that are adopted today don’t have to face this situation. many of us are alone in the world as it is, but to live without knowing so many things just makes you wish you were never born sometimes.

That hurts to say, but it’s true for me, and I know there are a lot of happy adoptees, but the moment something like this hits you may think differently.

2

I guess what I am saying…when is it wrong for an adoptee of my age to say “you must give me as many details as possible regarding you medical history”?

I have gone through this over and over in my head and damnit, if I hadn’t pursued it wouldn’t have known as much as I know. However, I feel I have a right to know more, regardless of what my birth mother thinks.

3

I didn’t realise that there was no legal means of finding your birth parents in the states, are there any moves to change this?
Both of my brothers were adopted (I was unexpected) and one has recently found his birth mother and father quite easily (in Australia) He fortunately had a happy life with my parents, but there was still something missing. The ways he has changed since he has found them is enormous, I think he was always reaching out trying to find that link, like you, and I really don’t think it should be denied.
Good luck with trying to find out more, I do think you have a right to know about things, especially medical conditions.
Take care

4

I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve gone through.

I always thought that a family medical history should be obtained whenever someone gives a child up for adoption, and that the information should be available to the adoptee when he or she wants it. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt to get a genetic counselor in to do it, just so the history will be thorough.

Do adoption agencies even attempt to do any such thing?

Dr. J

“Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!” -Dr. Nick Riviera

5

The thing is, in the State of Colorado, I was born after 67, I have no rights other than what an intermendiary is able to extract and work through.

I am sorry two made me a human and I should have at minimum, the right to know my potential issues.

They privately are able to deal with their lives yet I am stuck wondering if there is more to the story than what I know.

My brother, by adoption(he was not a adopted I was), knows that he has cancer, diabetes, heart disease and mental illlness in his blood lines.

I on the other hand don’t know these things first hand…I am going off hearsay.

I am pissed, or more likely sad because I can’t touch the woman’s face that has a voice almost exactly like mine. That I will never get to meet my birth father with whom my, I suspect, stubborness comes from, although it could have come from her as well…

In either case I am not done with their rejection of me…I cant’ accept this, ever, I know I am a worthy person, but I want them to know that. That if they have secrets from their families, I am secret as well.

I guess what I am saying is, I am tired of not feeling a part of thier lives…I want to know them, I want to go to their homes and they mine as guests, no strings attached…just to connect, just to be whole again.

My world is filled with holes. I want to have some answers first hand, to know that I was loved by her, even though he wanted “to take care of it”.

Yet she can’t face me, and never has…she had the mirrors taken out of the birthing room. She has never spoken up and given me a voice. A mother even if she is a birth mother should give that to her child if asked.

I want to touch her face, I want to hear her voice, I want to cry with her and let her know that I will never tell her parents…apparently I am her only child.

Pardon me folks but I have somthing to say to her:

Mom, I know you are there and I know you are afraid. I would never hurt you, I don’t want to do that. Please know that I just want to touch your face, your skin and know you are real. I want to hear your voice, your song, see your car your home be a part of your life in a non-involved way.

You parents never have to know about me, I promise you that, I will never tell them…I just want to know you, you are the reason that I wonder.

Please give me a chance, I would never violate a confidence between you and your parents, I will always be your secret.

< crying all the time she types this, so pardon any typos >

6

Techchick, I am so with you on this.

I’m a birthmother, and an adoptee. Good adoption agencies today get complete medical histories. Because I have an open adoption, my daughter won’t have the problems you’re having. She still can’t have access to her records until she’s 18, but if there’s a question or a problem, she can just call me.

My situation is a little different. I was raised by my birthmother. My dad adopted me when I was 2. My older sister was relinquished for adoption when she was born, in 1966. We have the same birthfather. She found my mom in 1988, then we searched together in 1990, and found our birthfather. Then we found out that he’s an adoptee too. And since he was born in 1948, the only way we’re going to ever get any information on his birthfamily is if we break in to the courthouse & steal it.

So I have a little medical history, from him. But he doesn’t know jack about his own, and it blows.

Adoptees deserve to know, at the very least, their medical histories. I, of course, am a staunch open-records supporter, but that’s another thread (in the GD Archives, in fact).

Best of luck to you, techchick!

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

7

I don’t understand why our past cannot be revealed.
I’m not allowed to know and yet I was never adopted just brought up in state ‘care’

The adoptive parents might feel that after all they have put themselves through that they are being rejected and feel hurt but knowing others in that situation I can honestly say that it is not ingratitude ,it is just a need that many adoptees have.

I would never hunt down my parents
one- because they are no such thing
two- because I made a life without them and do not want or need anything they could ever offer.
three-circumstances may have made it impossible for them to be there but that is no excuse for no contact whatsoever.
four- my love and respespect is reserved for those who showed the same to me.

As for medical records, well you are bound to get something or other eventually, when that happens my doctor will deal with it,other people have a far harder life than I have.

Love and cherish those around you ,it works for me.

8

Techchick:

I agree with casdave. The people you love who are with you now and in the future are your family.

I was born in '61 and a few years ago I went hunting for my mother’s medical records because I was about to have a baby myself. To my great surprise I received a letter from the adoption agency giving me a few medical details, but also the story of my mother’s life. Apparently they had interviewed her, not just requested her records.

I had always assumed she was a young unwed mother, but found out that, in fact, she had been married to an abusive man and finally separated from him. During that separation she got pregnant from a brief affair with another man. She eventually went back to her abusive husband, but didn’t want me to be raised by him.

By the time she was contacted she had divorced her first husband, remarried and had more children. Her second family knew nothing about me. The contact had been a real shock for her and she wasn’t sure what to do.

Anyway, all I wanted to say was that your mother did what she felt she could do at the time. You don’t know what kind of situation she is in now–it could be good or bad. Don’t hang your hopes on contact with her. You don’t have to give up either, but try not to see her as the solution to your troubles.

9

techchick, even knowing your birth parents doesn’t always make it any better. My dad died when I was 7, with no other relatives that I know of, and my mother is now deceased too so whatever my father might have told her about his background is lost to me.

On the other hand, my father died by commiting suicide and my mother spent the last 20 years of her life institutionalized. Knowing my parents’ background I chose not to have any natural children, and it is only now when my ex-step-children by my ex-wife are having children (my ex-step-grandchildren) that I realize what I missed out on by not having children.

Who knows what negative impact on your life you were spared by not knowing who your parents are?

Let’s See What’s Out There … Engage

The world’s loneliest doper.