Adult children of alcoholics, or Why did my guy stand me up?

Eva_Luna · September 1, 2002, 4:52am

I’m at a complete loss to explain this. Four weeks ago today, I met a great guy through my personal ad…we’ve been seeing each other a couple of times a week, swapping cute, lighthearted, and linguistically quirky e-mails during the workday, and spending hours and hours talking about all sorts of things, music, politics, life, relationships, work, pretty much everything under the sun. So far, he’s super-smart, sweet, thoughtful, funny, goofy in a cheerfully good way, loves many of the same wacky idiosyncratic things that I do (weird ethnic music, East European affairs, etc.), gives great backrubs, and seems to be as into me as I am into him. He may show up a few minutes late here and there, but no big deal.

The past couple of weeks, things have escalated a little bit in the physical intimacy department. I will emphasize that we have not had sex (I think we’re both fighting our respective natural tendencies to dive into things too quickly and get too involved and get hurt), but let’s just say that there is an obviously mutual physical attraction that has been manifesting itself in slightly more intense ways every time we see each other, and we’ve each stayed over at the other’s place a couple of times. We’ve each had long-term relationships before, and have each been out of our most recent ones for a few months, which I hope has been enough time to get past the bulk of our respective ex-baggage.

However, we had a great last Saturday night/Sunday morning and early afternoon, and even though he had some projects to do on Sunday, he took several hours past his appointed time to kick me out and get up and leave to do them. I talked to him later that night, and we spent another couple of hours on the phone, as neither one of us can ever seem to end a conversation, even if it’s getting ridiculously late.

Well, Monday arrived, and I forwarded him an e-mail inviting him to a friend’s picnic on Labor Day, and he said he’d love to go IF he didn’t go out of town this weekend on his motorcycle. Oh well, I was a bit bummed at the trip plans, but didn’t make a big deal of it; just said that regardless of the trip, maybe we could catch a movie later in the week?

He never answered, and I didn’t hear from him for three days, even though he’d been sending me chatty e-mails pretty much daily. I was trying not to obsess, but it wasn’t working very well. Then I got an e-mail from him yesterday afternoon, apologizing that he hadn’t been in touch, but work had been hell and he’d been there until 1:30 am the night before, but did I want to get together last night or tonight for a cool drink under the moonlight? Sounds lovely, I replied, either night is good, but tonight would be even better; when will you get home from work? No answer; I went home, took a nice bath to chill out, got out at 7:30. Called him at work; no answer. Maybe he’s enroute home? I thought, and left a message there to call me.

By 9:30, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I called again. Got answering machine; left message that if he wanted to get together later, that was OK too, but please call to confirm, as I didn’t want to wait around all night if it wasn’t going to happen that night. At 10:15, I gave up and left him a message that I was a bit mystified as to what had happened, and that I was sure we could find a better way to communicate about this stuff in the future, that I was going to a friend’s house for the evening, and to please call me when he got the message.

I meant to watch a movie at the friend’s house, but we got to talking about guys and their issues, and intimacy, and adult children of alcoholics (she is one, and the guy in question is one). I was talking about how weird it was that he kept getting closer and then pulling away, and a light went off in her head; she brought out a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics: At Home, At Work, and In Love, and flipped to a page with a list of issues that ACOAs have in their intimate relationships. Some possibly relevant portions (pp. 14-15):

“Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.”

When I got home at 2 am, no message. I left him one this morning that I was confused as to what had happened; not angry, but certainly taken aback, and would he please call to discuss. Still not a peep out of him.

So I guess what’s going on, in order of probability, is some combination of the following: a) he’s suddenly become a major flake; b) I’m in the process of being dumped by default in an amazingly chicken-shitted way; c) he decided to take the motorcycle trip by himself this weekend after all, and didn’t bother to let me know; d) he’s having some sort of depressive episode like my last ex did at about this point in our dating history, namely shortly after I attempted to have him meet some of my friends; and e) he had a motorcycle accident or family emergency or something, and is unable to call.

Any other thoughts on what the #^%@!^#$ is going on here? Until a few days ago, I really liked this guy, and saw zero signs that he would pull a stunt like this. Am I missing something? Can anyone shed some light on the possible dynamics of this screwed up and highly upsetting situation?

Chicken_Scratch · September 1, 2002, 12:06pm

Perhaps he didn’t get your e-mail saying “tonight would be better”? And if so, he might have made other plans, or assumed that you were blowing him off.

If you speak with him Tuesday, please let us know what his explanation was.

Typo_Negative · September 1, 2002, 12:22pm

He saw the bat signal, and had to go off and fight crime. He’ll call when he escapes from the elaborate, slow-death torture device his nemesis has placed him in.

You should be clear with him what is and is not acceptable. And that you feel like you’ve been stood up and that’s on the not acceptable list. He could actually be foolishly unaware of his transgression. If he calls, clue him in.

Eva_Luna · September 1, 2002, 12:55pm

Chicken Scratch, I returned the e-mail less than an hour later, by 3:30 pm, when he definitely should still have been at work and therefore online; he’s a computer dude, so he is an obsessive e-mail checker. I really doubt he didn’t get it. Plus it was followed up by several phone calls. I find it difficult to believe he didn’t get any of the messages. Plus he’s now missed both nights which HE suggested.

And Spooje, believe you me, I will let him know how pissed off I am, hopefully in a reasonably non-psychotic way. It’s been about all I can manage not to walk over there and interrogate his roommate. I just hope my gut feeling (that I’m being blown off for good) isn’t the case; not that I want to leave any bunnies boiling on his stove, but I really do want to undertand what the hell is happening here for my own educational purposes.

handy · September 1, 2002, 4:14pm

I’m not him, so there isn’t anyway I know whats going on.

However, I basically disagree with this:
?Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.?

Because a lot of people who don’t come from alcoholic families are like this too.

With relationships, you spend your time & take your chances. Update us when you find out what he says.,

CanadianSue · September 1, 2002, 4:27pm

I’m an adult child of an alcoholic and I would have to disagree with what your friend’s book says. Remember that not everyone is a text book case, so don’t read more into this and risk offending him by bringing up that issue.

I’d wait to hear him out and see what comes of that. There’s nothing worse than having something your parents, siblings, friends, etc. do turned around and related to you. It sounds like you are over analyzing things here. Wait and see.

astro · September 1, 2002, 5:01pm

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I find the laundry list of tendencies I’m supposed to have amusing. Adult children of alcoholics might have some issues with alcoholics and losing control but slapping a big, broad psycho-analytical brush on this sizeable and varied population cohort is likely to lead to more mis-understandings and mis-cues than insight.

I’m sure you’re a kind and loving person but given the intensity and close proximity of the relationship you’ve detailed so far, if I were in his position I’d definitely want to get some alone time at this point. I know this sometimes drives the other person nuts but unless youre willing to let the other person breathe you’re probably going to lose him. He might well be pulling away from the intensity and intimacy, but this is a natural reaction many people have in order to get some perspective.

I know it sounds a bit old fashioned, but don’t chase him at this point with emails or telephone calls. He needs to make the next move and he needs to understand that you are not obsessing over his accessibility. Men value and desire women more that are strong enough to take them or leave them (but still love them).

Eva_Luna · September 1, 2002, 5:07pm

CanadianSue,

I wasn’t implying that all the statements in the book were necessarily true of every adult child of alcoholics. I thought the book had some interesting and perceptive things to say, and as I was talking to my friend who lent it to mme, I was mentally running through my list of friends and realizing just how many of them are children of alcoholics. (Close to half of the better ones.) I though it might just provide an interesting framework for analysis…and there I go, over-analyzing again! It’s a horrible habit of mine, this thinking too much business.

I was also not planning on throwing it in his face. I felt honored that he felt he could relate something that heavy to me on such short acquaintance, but I also thought that meant he himself felt it had been a relevant part of his human development. The messages I left were along the lines of “we seem to have had a miscommunication of some sort here. Please call me to talk about it, so we can keep from repeating this.”

I fully plan to hear him out, if (and I’m seriously wondering at this point) I ever hear from him again, but am just trying to find some framework to relate this behavior to, as it is VERY upsetting to me. I feel myself getting depressed: can’t sleep for weeks now, don’t feel like eating or doing anything but lying around. A friend is dragging me out of the house in a few minutes for lunch, and I certainly know that this mood isn’t entirely his fault and shouldn’t be blamed on him per se, but I still think I deserve an explanation.

astro · September 1, 2002, 5:09pm

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I find the laundry list of tendencies I’m supposed to have amusing. Adult children of alcoholics might have some issues with alcoholics and losing control but slapping a big, broad psycho-analytical brush on this sizeable and varied population cohort is likely to lead to more mis-understandings and mis-cues than insight.

I’m sure you’re a kind and loving person but given the intensity and close proximity of the relationship you’ve detailed so far, if I were in his position I’d definitely want to get some alone time at this point. I know this sometimes drives the other person nuts but unless youre willing to let the other person breathe you’re probably going to lose him. He might well be pulling away from the intensity and intimacy, but this is a natural reaction many people have in order to get some perspective.

I know it sounds a bit old fashioned, but don’t chase him at this point with emails or telephone calls. He needs to make the next move and he needs to understand that you are not obsessing over his accessibility. Men value and desire women more that are strong enough to take them or leave them (but still love them).

BoBettie · September 1, 2002, 5:50pm

I have to say based on the “work has been crazy” line (and he’s a computer guy), is it possible that his work e-mail server was down and he didn’t get your last message? Either way, it’s very odd. I hope it gets resolved soon- he sounds like a nice guy. I am betting on communication error here.

Sue_Duhnym · September 1, 2002, 6:32pm

Fine, I’ll say what dozens of people are thinking and no one (except **astro[/b way too gently) is saying.

Perhaps, just an off chance, that he’s feeling a little stifled because he suggested a tentative date and you called him five times in less than 24 hours. Topping it off is the last message where you said you wanted to “discuss” what happened.

If I was a guy, I’d never call again.

rsa · September 1, 2002, 6:41pm

It’s not clear from your OP, but did you continue to email him or call him during the three days that you didn’t hear from him? If you did, I’ll second the comment that this can be a sure way to drive a guy away especially if he has dated someone who ended becoming very possesive and demanding of his attention. It’s not necessary to be coy, but constant calling and emailing is a big red flag for a lot of guys.

If you didn’t overdue the calling & emailing thing, good for you and any other speculation on my part would just be guessing.

CanadianSue · September 1, 2002, 7:04pm

First off Eva, I wasn’t being critical, just offering my opinion, which you did ask for. Yes, you do deserve to have an explanation. However, if this is affecting you as badly as you say, loss of sleep, not eating etc., then perhaps you really do need to re read what Sue Dunhym wrote.

This is a new relationship, and new relationships take time to develop slowly. In my opinion, starting off like this is a great way to end the chance of the relationship going further.

Again, just my opinion.

Eva_Luna · September 1, 2002, 8:24pm

Guys, thanks for the feedback. The only contact I had with him during the 3 days last week I didn’t hear from him was to forward one cartoon via e-mail, with no additional discussion of plans or anything else. He wasn’t e-mailing me from the work server; he has his own server set up, which he can check either from work or from home.

The not sleeping part of things had been going on several weeks before I even met him, so I’m certainly not blaming that on him; in fact, that really nice backrub he gave me last weekend seemed to help matters (part of the issue was neck/shoulder pain, partly from bad work ergonomics and probably partly from stress), but the insomnia seems to have returned in force the past couple of nights. These are my own issues, which I’ve been dealing with completely apart from the whole dating thing for the past several months, and I’m fully aware that I’m a participant in all this.

Again, you guys are pretty much telling me what my friends and even my grandmother said; leave the guy in peace, and if he’s worth having, he’ll be back. I’m by no means taking this as an insult; I was just hoping for some slightly less entangled opinions. If he’d said that he just wanted to do his own thing for a few days, I would have been a bit bummed, but I certainly would have accepted it and gone about my business; I do have friends and a life of my own. It’s just that after he made a specific suggestion to get together, and I agreed and tried to make more concrete plans, he’s disappeared off the face of the Earth, which I see as rude and disrespectful.

Again, I hope there is some kind of resolution to this, and soon. Uncertainty is the part of this that sucks. I know my reaction to this is part of baggage relating to at least 2 exes, one of whom used to say he’d come by after a quick beer with a friend and not show up until midnight, after which it was too late to do what we’d planned, and the other, my most recent, who did his first freaking out on me at about this point in our relationship. I try to judge people by their own actions rather than by my past experiences with others, but it’s still hard to wipe out of my brain entirely. Thanks to all, and please keep the feedback coming.

Nacho4Sara · September 1, 2002, 9:02pm

I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, and I can relate to his behavior, although I don’t know that it’s necessarily because I’m a child of an alcoholic. However, often when I meet someone I really like and things start to progress, I reach a point where I just get freaked out and feel suffocated. It usually happens right after things first get intimate - not necessarily sex, but physical (as you described) to some degree. I just feel locked into a path I’m not sure I’m comfortable with, and my gut reaction is to get out of it as quickly as possible. With my past few boyfriends, I’ve made an effort to explain this and work through it, although one of them thought I was rejecting him and promptly dumped me before I could (as he saw it, inevitably) dump him.

Actually, I guess that sounds a lot like what you quoted from that book. I wonder.

handy · September 2, 2002, 12:11am

Sure, let him be & then when you see him someday ask him what happened…then maybe act like you don’t care & tell this guy you had a such a great time without him

Nightime · September 2, 2002, 2:42am

I’m the adult child of an alcoholic, and your book does seem to describe me pretty well, but I wouldn’t say this is necessarily the result of being a child of an alcoholic. As for your situation, I know that I tend to suddenly disappear after a while in a relationship. I can’t really explain it; I still think about the girl, I still care about her, even dream about her, but for some reason I suddenly start avoiding her at all costs. Sometimes the girl will say something like “Well, if you feel like talking, you know where I am” and not try to contact me, and if this happens I am likely to eventually (after maybe two weeks) go back to her like I never left. However, in time I will disappear again, and not come back. I have no idea why I do this, and it hurts a lot. I just figure that I am meant to live a painful, solitary life. There is probably a much more hopeful explanation for your friend’s disappearance.

Eva_Luna · September 3, 2002, 5:06am

[bump]

Believe me, I sure as hell know that adult children of alcoholics aren’t the only people who struggle with intimacy issues. Human beings are far more complex than that, and the particular human being in question is far more complex than most.

I’m also certainly not an issue-free individual; as mentioned in a nother recent thread, my parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. The laundry list of characteristics of children of divorced parents in self-help and psych books is probably as long as the one for children of alcoholic parents; of course, not all items will apply in all situations. I’m equally amused at some of the things I am supposed to do/be because my parents aren’t married to each other anymore.

Yes, I am a child of divorced parents; that is certainly far from being all that I am, but I’d be a complete idiot to say that it hasn’t affected my outlook on relationships in all kinds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Neither circumstance necessarily leaves its survivors completely unable to have satisfying interpersonal relationships; it just may be more of an uphill battle for some of us than for others.

So given that I actually do give a damn about this guy as a human being, and that I really do want to understand what the hell has happened here, even if the relationship doesn’t end up going anywhere, any more thoughts on:

what the hell happened, and why? and
b) what I can do to find out?

Thanks to all in advance; all replies will be carefully considered.

Eva_Luna · September 3, 2002, 5:11am